1. Boundaries are hard but necessary for healthy, loving relationships to exist.
2. If it's not directly stated, it's not a boundary.
Now that we've discussed what a boundary is and why it's important, let's uncover how to determine when it's time to have a boundaries conversation.
Like I mentioned before, my new discovery of boundaries has come as I'm looking in the rearview mirror. As I peek backwards I see ways I did not set up loving parameters. But the wonderful thing about learning the Gospel way is that it's just never ever too late to do something differently, more healthily. It's never ever too late to position yourself to be open to redemption. It turns out Jesus cares not only about our personal growth, but about the flourishing of our relationships too.
Here's a few ways to know that it might be time to have a conversation about boundaries:
(This is definitely not an exhaustive list but it's a start!)
1. When a relationship starts putting hostility between you and your spouse. Married friends: your spouse is your most important earthly relationship. The wedding day, that glorious day of celebration and love, was the day that all other earthly relationships took the backseat. Sure they are still in your car, along for the journey, they just forfeitted their right to be the driver in your life. Each turn and destination is up to the discretion of the two married ones in the front seat; there is no room for backseat drivers. Is there someone who frequently tries to squeeze in between? Time for a boundaries conversation. 1 + 1 =2 and 3 is a crowd. Be it a friend, family member, or well-intentioned church buddy, boundaries mean love. It's time to show some.
2. When the calendar starts being the tyrant of your life. You've probably felt it before. I do frequently. When it's sunday night and you open up your planner to see every evening for the next 10 days totally full. That feeling you get when someone asks you to do something to help and you want to scream,
"Do you have any idea what else is on my plate right now??!"
Overly busyness is addicting; its smooth claws pull you in as if to hug you, but sink deep and hold you captive instead. In this case, it's time to sit down, be still and have that boundary talk with yourself. Yes there will still be invitations, meetings (unfortunately), appointments, etc, but you are the one with ultimate say over what gets put on the calendar. Currently in our household, a boundary we've chosen is that we must be home at least one night a week. Social things are fun, but rest, quiet nights and housework are necessities too. Also it would be nice to see each other for more than 1 hour a night. This is one boundary we've set to make space for spontaneity and life (feel free to ask us about it!)
3. When you suddenly desire to start avoiding a close friend. A mood? Too busy to make time? Probably not. Perhaps the weird tension that's settled in between you and that friend comes from a crossed boundary. Sometimes it's crossed accidentally. Sometimes it's been crossed very deliberately. Both can happen when you choose to be friends with someone who's imperfect (good luck finding one who is not!) The knee-jerk response is typically to start avoiding. That anxious sensation turns into frustration, then resent, then bitterness starts to set up shop inside your heart. Was it a clearly stated boundary? If not, maybe it's time to state it. If it was, maybe it's just time to have a loving, open conversation. Assume the best intent, but don't let hurt fester. Communication and humbleness are the best path to healing. If boundaries are perpetually disregarded, perhaps it's time to reconsider the long term value of this relationship. Love is not forceful or manipulative. Love does hard things ultimately for the sake of wisdom and harmony and truth.
There are many other situations that could benefit from a boundaries conversation. These are just the ones that I, in my limited experience with such healthy practices, have encountered. May they speak some truth to you and push you closer toward relational health.
The topic of boundaries is a BIG one. If you'd like more information, here are some great reads:
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