Day 24: Knowing when to call it good.

I have this bad habit. I call it a habit because it's been with me as long as I can remember. I cannot remember what life was like before it. It's not a destructive behavior, and if you aren't paying attention you may not even notice it about me. But I notice. And my inner circle of people notice. I've tried it all. Years of accountability, treatments, topical antidotes...and I cannot, will not stop biting my nails. 

Trust me, I've explored reasons, asked myself all the usual questions about why I do it. None of them have provided clarity or given me the sudden desire to quit. No I'm not anxious, nervous or bored. And I'm so not proud of it! I do wish I had pretty, dainty nails so I could get a manicure like a normal girl. But the funny thing about habits is that the longer they stick around, the more you buy into the rationalization behind that habit. After years of battling nail biting, I still think that each time I start picking my fingernails that this will be the last time I do it. That this last time will finally remove the desire to do it completely. 

It doesn't work. 

I'm beginning to understand what's behind this a little bit. I pick at my nails because I want to fix them. What I don't realize, however, is that my "fixing" is making the problem worse. Hangnails and self-conscious hands are the result. I think this quirky, silly problem is a small illustration of something very real. I think it makes me human. 

We humans like to fix things. Fix people, fix problems. It's what we do. There is no satisfaction like the kind we feel after we problem solve and find resolution. Perhaps it comes from our desire to be helpers. Maybe even our desire to feel important. That's where the bad habit starts. Some predicaments aren't mean to be fixed. Some people don't want you to make it go away. Yet we pick, pick, pick then wonder why it seems worse than before. Being a fixer is addicting. 

Part of the Enough message is learning when to call it good. That means recognizing when I'm operating out of my need to fix. Am I helping? Or just enabling a bad habit in myself? Enough says to release control to the One who's always had it. To the One who can handle it. 

I don't have this one figured out yet but I'm sure going to work on figuring it out. You'll be able to tell by checking my fingernails.