Day 9: Boundaries = Love { pt. 1 }

Oh, my friends. This one is a hard one for me. In fact, I wanted to ignore the topic of boundaries altogether but I just. can't. It's just too important.

This is a newer concept for me. As I'm writing these words, I too am soaking in each line, allowing it to settle into the deep spaces of my pleaser heart. It's a concept I've been exploring lately because of the incredible, ugly lack I started feeling. My exploration of boundaries is a reaction, an overcorrection of sorts. It's been kind of like peddling backwards toward something I missed along the way. 

Because I believe the topic of boundaries is so important, I've divided it into 2 parts over the next couple of days: 
1. What are boundaries?
2. How to know when it's time to set some. 

Boundary
{boun-duh-ree}
noun
Something that indicates bounds or limits. 

Even some of our favorite activities have boundaries. I learned as child that I could only bounce the ball once in foursquare and the ball has to stay inside of the lines in soccer. It does not offend me that there are guidelines, it's just something I accept because of the way it keeps order and frees up the players to just enjoy playing the game. 

Are relationships different? 

I can almost hear your response: It's complicated. And it is! Very complicated. Anytime you mix independent will and desire and personality and sin nature with another, it gets messy. But I would argue that boundaries are just as important as the rules of a game. 

It gets tougher. In a class I took on life and personal coaching, the professor added a clause to his definition of boundaries:

If it's not directly stated, it's not a boundary. 
(Creswell & Miller, 2005)

OUCH. 

Perhaps there are parameters that I assume are in place, but aren't true boundaries because I've never verbalized them. My inner fear-of-conflict heart starts shrinking away...

What happens when boundaries don't exist? The results are yucky. Codependency, dysfunctionality, bitterness, and basically a bunch of people who run around stepping on each others' toes. I see friendships end, families cut each other off, and hearts raw and wounded. 

Why do boundaries get neglected? Probably because being direct is hard. Stating what can and cannot take place within a relationship feels high maintenance and rude. Also, this one's more convicting: setting boundaries means sitting down, being quiet and facing my own issues. Ouch. Nobody thinks that's a good time. It would be a lot more fun to point out someone else's issues behind closed doors and then pretend to be nice in person. 

But at what cost?? 

What could a boundary look like? A boundary could be as simple as saying, "no, I'm sorry. I'm not available to do that for you." The current boundary I've set in place is knocking hours at the Watson home (in a dorm of 150+ girls, a simple boundary contributes greatly to a balanced home!)

I'm not saying it's easy to have boundaries because it's not. In fact it's easier not to. I'm just starting to see the fallout of avoiding them and it's gross. Boundaries = love. They add depth, safety and trust so the fun relational stuff can take place within those. 

Next we'll explore when you know it's time to start setting some. Let's keep learning together.