Day 28: Embracing the beauty of less.

This is one of those unapologetic girly posts. I realize I'll lose some people with this one, but I still think it's worth sharing. 

The topic of Enough has me thinking about things in an outside-the-box way. Enough has impacted me spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and now it's even making me think about how I decorate my home. I love love love to nest, rearrange, find new treasures, and make our little apartment feel cozy. What I'm finding is that as I look through magazines or decorator guru's blogs, I drool and wish and figure out how to buy more beautiful things. I get lured into the pottery barn fantasy life and start dreaming about what it would be like to take up residence in Anthropologie. It's a fun dream. It's also an expensive dream. As much as I'd like to think that I'd reach perfect nesting contentment there, with every beautiful, rustic, chic thing at my fingertips, I know deep down in my gut that I just wouldn't. There will always be that new look, that new rug, that new set of throw pillows (don't even get me started on my love for pillows)...and it'll be a losing game. 

So what's a girl to do? How can contentment be achieved in such a world where there is always more to be had? 

I've loved what one of my favorite blogger friends is teaching me about enough in her home. 

Check out my friend Myquillyn of The Nester.  Here is the place where I've learned things like:

It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. 

and

How to be a Cozy Minimalist. 

This summer she challenged her readers to simplify home decor by clearing surfaces, temporarily boxing up extra knick knacks, letting furniture stand alone, and decorating with simple, natural items. 

Nesting is my art, the way I express the personality of our home. And I don't like boring. I was nervous that for a few months our home would feel boring and expressionless. 

The result was the opposite effect. For the first time in a long time our home felt like it  had breathing room and clarity. I wanted to just sit with a book and soak it all in. I wanted to invite others into our space. 

Surprisingly, I didn't miss all of my extra things. Our home didn't feel lacking. It made me relax, take myself out of the rat race of more, and embrace what we had with gratitude. Just another way this 31 day writing challenge  is changing me these days. I experienced the fullness of enough by embracing the beauty of less. 

Day 27: When enough needs a little help. A story about a metaphor.

We paired up at the request of our professor and sat outside on a bench. It was breezy but warm and the sun was out on that fine Portland day. We had spent a couple days hearing each others' stories, practicing coaching and speaking words of kindness. It was this day that I experienced what it's like when enough gets a little help. And it was an experience I'll never forget. 

If enough is truly enough, why would it need a little help? 

Each man and woman who is in Christ is offered a one-of-a-kind identity. It starts at conception when a completely unique disposition is created, a gift setting apart man as an image bearer of the Creator. It is then solidified at salvation through gifts of the Holy Spirit. This identity, these powerful words in Scripture should be enough. And yet...

The tension comes from what Brene Brown (A-mazing stuff coming from this wise woman!) refers to as the narrative in our heads, playing on repeat like a skipping record. It's all made up but is very believable. It's a message of shame, a message of doubt, a message that loves being kept secret. The result? Identity crisis. Eternally meaningful work neglected. 

The identity Christ has offered me is final. What he says about me is enough. BUT. Sometimes it needs a little encouragement. This is where the body of Christ comes in.

Let's go back to my day in Portland. Carolyn and I sat outside, quietly asking the Lord for a word of encouragement for the other. The assignment? To offer a metaphor in response to the two long days of hearing each others' stories. She smiled, looked into my eyes and gently spoke LIFE into my dry soul. Here was her metaphor to describe me:

You're in a giant row boat full of lots of people. You all have a common desire- to get to your desired location. You are all working hard together to make that happen. Yet your role is completely unique. Rather than facing the front of the boat and rowing with the crew, you are facing the opposite direction. Your eyes are not focused ahead, but glued on the faces of your teammates. Your goal? To keep your teammates rowing. You are cheering them on, calling them to give more, to keep rowing when they want to quit. You are speaking hope to them and they are working harder because of your words. 

 Remember, Katy, that your role looks different than others'. So you'll be tempted to compare their hard work with yours. But you just can't because you are doing different kinds of work and both are vital to the success of the crew. Your teammates need you. Don't compare, don't wish for another role, just get in that boat, look your team in the eye and do what you're made for. 

My {more than} enough, God-given identity needed a little help to get past the iron fortress of my self narrative. A little help came in the form of a sweet friend who was willing to hear me, tune into the Lord's heart, then breathe hopeful truth words. Words are one of the most powerful kingdom forces. 

The narrative in my head? Insecurity, feeling misunderstood, comparing myself to others, questioning my calling and value. 

My true identity? A leader, a cheerleader, exhorter, influencer, life-giver. 

Sometimes enough needs a little help. That's what we do for each other. And it's not just a nicety, it's the vital duty of each believer to listen for a true identity buried in lies, then ferociously help unearth what is true. I needed it, it changed me. I want to be that helper for others who may be struggling with identity crisis. What He says about us is enough, but sometimes it just needs a little help. For me it was a metaphor of a row boat. 

Day 26: Enough words. Is there such thing as TOO transparent?

Ever notice how each generation operates out of some kind of reactionary response to the generation before it? I think I'm noticing what this generation's reactionary response is...brash vulnerability. 

I love being a Generation Y'er. I love working with Millennials. I think both have a lot of strengths. These are some of the most driven, authentic and capable people I know. Compelled by a cause, these people don't just settle for the status quo. This is a culture of critical thinking, questioning what has been, and forging a new adventure. But every gift has its dark side. 

I think our dark side makes sense. I think it's possible that the quest for what is real and vulnerable comes from watching the generations before us struggle through difficulty without opening up with others. We sat in church pews thinking that it was the place that only perfectly clean and tidy folks came with all of their hard, messy things left at home. A few decades earlier, "taboo" topics were neglected such as sexuality, addictions, mental health, family problems, or basically anything broken. So we watched our parents struggle through difficult things, figuring it out for themselves. I bet they told themselves that they would live differently than their parents, and parent differently than their parents. They probably had a reactionary response of their own. 

What is brash vulnerability? 

Well, I made it up. I don't think it's really a thing but let's call it that for now. A guy a know calls it "reckless honesty". I like that A LOT. 

It's something negative that came from something good (like so many other things in this life). That something good originally was a desire for authenticity. The yearning for people to just calm down, take off those masks and heavy self-protective armor and just. be. real. To be willing to open up and stop ignoring the large, obvious proverbial elephant and say, "look, an elephant. Let's talk about that". My generation craves people who will embrace a whole person, messy and clean parts alike. I crave that too. Don't we all? 

Aren't we all a little messy?

BUT. It's gotten a little out of control. Somewhere along the way the desire for authenticity got twisted into a sense of entitlement. This entitlement says: 

Because I have a voice to speak and a story to share, anyone who has ears should and WILL hear me. And if they are put off by what is say, it's not because I have been abrasive with my language, it's because they are not tolerant and therefore not worth my time.

It's a cause and effect. Entitlement breeds brash vulnerability. 

What's the problem with this? A few things. 

For one, Ephesians urges us to only speak what is beneficial for building others up (4:29)- what in the world is beneficial about brash vulnerability? Is it even worth being spoken? It is the equivalent of word vomit, spewing all over whomever is closest. Vomit is really only useful to the one who hurled it out of their system. 

Second, brash vulnerability is the opposite of wisdom. Wisdom looks for a few wise sets of ears who have a deep well of understanding, hearts in tune with the Lord's, and steady souls to handle the weight of heavy things. It is very okay, even wise, to share openly with a few discerning people. They can listen with grace and speak words of truth. Brash vulnerability chooses to tell whomever can hear them. Not everyone with ears should be trusted with the most confidential and insecure parts of the soul. 
{I won't say more on this, but beware of the way social media plays into this! Yikes.} 

Enough and wisdom are closely connected. Enough challenges us on our quest to authenticity to pause and ask a few key questions before divulging personal information:

• Is this the right person to talk to about this? 
• Is sharing this going to be beneficial for them also or just me? 
• Is this appropriate transparency? Or just brash vulnerability? 

So is there such thing as TOO authentic? I would say so. It just depends on what the heart is trying to get out of it. Here is a helpful tip: if it's to find healing, confidentiality and truth, it's probably authenticity. If it's just to get attention, it's most likely reckless honesty. May we be people who know and live the difference. 

Day 25: As much information as I need.

I have quit watching the news these days. It's not because I don't care about current events or what's happening outside of my small world, because I do. It's not because I can't handle things that aren't happy, because I can. It's just that the everyday brokenness beats around and weathers my already anxious heart. 

Plane crash. 
Shooting.
Political campaign. 
Some big business going bankrupt. 
Someone suing someone over something ridiculous. 

I feel the birth pains, the earth longing for restoration and justice. Yes, there is hope in these tumultuous days because of the joy that is to come. But oh my heavens, I just can't stick my fearful self into the swirling whirlwind of evil in the name of being "current". 

When I have spent too much time reading up on the nitty gritty details of current events, I get incredibly overwhelmed. Information doesn't empower me, it paralyzes me. Then I start asking questions like, 

Why?
When, God? 

Anxiety makes me feel entitled to know all the answers. Rather than spend time in prayer, I decide I'd like to avoid anything that could remotely be dangerous. Like yesterday's post stated, I like to fix and feel like I have even a little bit of control. Withdrawal and "having a plan" gives me the illusion that I can keep a tight reign over my world. That if I'm so so so so careful and avoid anything scary, my small bubble will never bump into evil. I guess that kind of works for a while. If I stay in our apartment with doors locked, unwilling to even leave to purchase food or see people, very little bad will happen to me. Very little good will happen to me too. I will also forfeit all of the very beautiful things that come from engaging this world too. That is no way to live. 

What does this have to do with enough? 

Well, that's a good question. I suppose what I'm learning is that life doesn't come with a safety guarantee. It doesn't insure that my world will not encounter chaos at times and even some evil. I wish it did. But what is offered to me is enough. I know enough to live in complete and utter peace in the midst of disaster. Here is the message of enough I'm choosing to meditate on. May it surround your heart with peace today as it does mine. 

God is our refuge and strength,

    a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

 

though its waters roar and foam,

    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

    the holy habitation of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;

    God will help her when morning dawns.

 

The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;

    he utters his voice, the earth melts.

 

The Lord of hosts is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Come, behold the works of the Lord,

    how he has brought desolations on the earth.

 

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

    he burns the chariots with fire.

 

“Be still, and know that I am God.

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth!”

 

The Lord of hosts is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

{ Psalm 46 }

Day 24: Knowing when to call it good.

I have this bad habit. I call it a habit because it's been with me as long as I can remember. I cannot remember what life was like before it. It's not a destructive behavior, and if you aren't paying attention you may not even notice it about me. But I notice. And my inner circle of people notice. I've tried it all. Years of accountability, treatments, topical antidotes...and I cannot, will not stop biting my nails. 

Trust me, I've explored reasons, asked myself all the usual questions about why I do it. None of them have provided clarity or given me the sudden desire to quit. No I'm not anxious, nervous or bored. And I'm so not proud of it! I do wish I had pretty, dainty nails so I could get a manicure like a normal girl. But the funny thing about habits is that the longer they stick around, the more you buy into the rationalization behind that habit. After years of battling nail biting, I still think that each time I start picking my fingernails that this will be the last time I do it. That this last time will finally remove the desire to do it completely. 

It doesn't work. 

I'm beginning to understand what's behind this a little bit. I pick at my nails because I want to fix them. What I don't realize, however, is that my "fixing" is making the problem worse. Hangnails and self-conscious hands are the result. I think this quirky, silly problem is a small illustration of something very real. I think it makes me human. 

We humans like to fix things. Fix people, fix problems. It's what we do. There is no satisfaction like the kind we feel after we problem solve and find resolution. Perhaps it comes from our desire to be helpers. Maybe even our desire to feel important. That's where the bad habit starts. Some predicaments aren't mean to be fixed. Some people don't want you to make it go away. Yet we pick, pick, pick then wonder why it seems worse than before. Being a fixer is addicting. 

Part of the Enough message is learning when to call it good. That means recognizing when I'm operating out of my need to fix. Am I helping? Or just enabling a bad habit in myself? Enough says to release control to the One who's always had it. To the One who can handle it. 

I don't have this one figured out yet but I'm sure going to work on figuring it out. You'll be able to tell by checking my fingernails. 

Day 23: Marriage: the place where not quite enough is a good thing.

Marriage is so fun. 

We knew it would be. 

It wasn't too long ago that we ran out of an old church, had bubbles blown at us, jumped in my uncle's 50-something Bel Air and stared at each other with giddy adoration. My dress took up half the back seat and he looked so dapper in his suspenders. As the car took off we knew deep down that we had just signed up for a totally new adventure. 

And yes indeed, it has been an adventure. I can almost hear Karen Carpenter, low and melodic, 
We've only just begun....
We really have only just begun. Just a year-and-a-half old, we are growing gracefully into this new thing called marriage. Some may say that we are living off of the "honeymoon high" or something silly like that. Maybe we are. But we've had our jagged, brittle edges too. Like most good things, marriage is an interplay between incandescent joy and the sheer grit of sticking with it when it's hard. I love the peaks and dips that are making our journey so full of life. It's laughing 'til we cry about something no one else cares about. It's the comfort of closing out the day with his warm, strong arms. Belonging, closeness, companionship. These are the fruits of this great gift. 

Yet even at its very very best, we are learning that even marriage has its limits. Our hunger for each other, though given to us by God, cannot be fully satisfied in each other. Our craving comes from something much greater, woven into the very makeup of our souls. We long to be united, yearn to be fully open and known, crave to be wanted. Aren't we all just creatures longing to experience these things with our Maker, the one who dreamed us up and designed us for Himself? 

So marriage is good. It is deeply satisfying. But it's not not quite enough to quench the longings of my heart. And that's a good thing. It reminds me why we said "I do" to begin with- it's always been and always will be about modeling His lavish love to His people. I may not understand this yet, but sometimes the soul craves what the limited flesh cannot conceive (and that is not a marriage pun). 

Marriage was never meant to be where I find all of my needs met. It's the one place where not quite enough is a very good thing. 

Day 22: What I'm telling my worry these days.

For those of you who've read my words for the last few years, especially the words in last year's 31 day challenge, you are aware that worry is a periodic struggle for me. Okay...maybe more than periodic. It's actually more like a reoccurring patch of eczema that repeatedly shows its itchy, scaly self after years of doing all the right things. It just keeps coming back. I'm not proud of it. I'm not giving up on trying to fight it. I'm not paralyzed by it anymore. It's just kind of there. Some days it's all red and flared up. Some days it's subdued. 

This last week, I had a few days of red, flared up worry. There was a complaining session (but I called it "processing". Much more dignified, I think) and there were some tears. To be honest, I can't even fully recall or put into words what exactly I was all worried about. 

I'm guessing you've had a few of these days too. That bill came in the mail. That phone call rang with that news. You're just not sure if you're going to be able to handle what's ahead. 

How can someone live in this life and care deeply about things withOUT worry?? 

As I'm studying the deep significance of the word Enough, I realized that it plays into this pesty little struggle of mine. So I'm trying some good 'ole self truth talk. 

Enough. 
Peace, be still. 
The Lord is on your side. 

These ancient words calmed an anxious David as he fled from Saul and hid in a cave for refuge. Those words may have been all he had. If he managed to speak truth to himself when his very life was in danger, how much more will the bold truth of enough set me free from my smaller everyday concerns?

Enough striving. Enough spinning your mind in a tangled web of worry. Enough fixing. Be still. Whatever is so worrisome to you is no match next to the all knowing, deeply compassionate, oh so able Creator. And He's on your team. 

That's what I'm telling my worry these days. I'm not saying it's a quick fix. Worry doesn't dissipate with a quick pop of a truth pill. But maybe saying these words will engrain in me something new- something restorative. 

These words reach a different part of my heart when accompanied by beautiful music. So I've spent many hours with this song on repeat. If you have a few minutes, I'd recommend you have a listen too. 

Be Still My Soul {Leigh Nash}

So if you're a worrier, you're in good company. I hear you, friend. The struggle is real. Let's join forces and start speaking to our worry together. I invite you to start speaking boldly to mine. 

Day 21: Enough and the American Dream are not friends { pt. 2 }

The other side of the American Dream has been affecting my world a lot lately. As my husband and I prayerfully consider the future, we've received a lot of advice:

You're young. Do whatever you want while you can! 

When your college debt is paid off, go on vacations, buy things and treat yourself. 

Get all your adventure out of your system before you settle down and have a family.

I trust that the intentions behind the advice are good. But I must say that I'm disappointed overall with the assumptions behind these tips- that the world is ours, we are entitled to play, spend and live lavishly if that is what we desire. We get to choose what makes us happy and operate out of the timeline of our very perfect, very American expectations.  I'm disappointed because of the way it matches what I hear so loudly from the media and product marketing. 

I want it. I deserve it. I will get it. Now. 

It's really gross. 

Shouldn't we, the people of God, be giving different words of wisdom? 

The message of enough teaches me contentment. It tells me that having more is not bad, though it should never become my identity and source of happiness. Enough teaches me gratitude for what it is that I do have, peace about what I do not. Enough reminds me that abundance comes from the hand of the lavish Giver, not from my hard work or what I can buy. Enough says that His way is the very best way. Contentment is a choice. It's the fruit of understanding the message of enough. 

If I were an older, wiser woman speaking to myself today, here's what I would say:

No amount of money will make you feel fulfilled and secure. 

A happy, full life means being submerged in purposeful Kingdom work, not running around looking for something better.

More stuff doesn't mean more joy, it just means more stuff. 

Your life has never been about you and it never will be. Work, make decisions, and dream about the things the Lord dreams about for you. Then pursue those. 

Just another way that enough and the American Dream are so very opposite. Which do you choose? 

Day 20: Enough and the American Dream aren't friends. { pt. 1 }

There's this message floating around the workplace. It's a message so subtle that it's easy to buy into without even knowing what you're subscribing to. It's not implicitly stated. Though it is powerfully real. 

It makes me sad. 

It's a message coming from the belief that hard work is the ultimate virtue. 

Outwork everyone. 

40 hours is a minimum. 

Time off is never an option for success. 

Home life can never stand in the way of professional life. 

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for hard work and purpose and productivity. It's no accident that one of the first conversations the Creator had with Adam and Eve was to assign them a job in the Garden. Work is built into human DNA. This way among multiple others is what makes us like the Creator Himself. 

BUT. We were created for rest and for pleasure and for relationship too. For dancing, for eating pie and sipping strong coffee, for laughter, for snuggling. These are equally valuable parts of being human. Life requires a delicate balance between each. 

This workplace message is the foundation for the American Dream: hard work, independence, autonomy and grit. And those things are good. I am thankful for our founders' work on our behalf. I am thankful for freedom and opportunity. 

But WHEN, oh when did the American Dream become the ultimate goal? When did this become our object of worship? If work becomes our identity, we miss the big picture. We fall terribly short. 

The result of this message of the American Dream has been troubling-workaholism, perfectionism, families with 1.5 parents, and dried up, crumbling personal lives. Sure, your career is successful. You will make some good money. You will feel powerful. But at what cost? 

Is this the abundantly more life that we were created for? Surely not. 

The message of Enough touches this area of our culture. It floats into the workplace, subtle like the message of workaholism, though it's available to those who will hear it. Enough marches to a different beat and sings a different tune: 

Work hard, but remember who you really work for. 

Do things with excellence, but know when to stop. 

Perfectionism is a losing game. 

You are not your work. Remember what is truly important. 

Set boundaries, go home for dinner, Kiss your wife, play with your kids. 

And so we get up, go to work and the messages of enough and the American dream go to war within us. We get to choose which one wins. 

I pray that believers will rise up as first class employees, business owners, doctors and professionals. But may we model something different in the workplace- something balanced and healthy and whole- the message of enough. 

Day 19: The Gift of Daily Bread { pt. 2 }

Bread is my favorite. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Appetizer. Dessert. Midnight snack. 

And this is exactly what the people of Israel consumed all day. Everyday. For 40 long, arduous, hot, tiring, years. 

In part 1 we learned about the symbolism of bread: life, sustenance and nourishment. Bread was a most basic element for life together and worship. It meant provision. It symbolized the heart of the { more than } enough God. 

And the whole congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness...

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people shall go out and gather a day's portion every day, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not...  So Moses and Aaron said to all the people of Israel, 

“At evening you shall know that it was the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt, and in the morning you shall see the glory of the Lord, because he has heard your grumbling against the Lord. 

And when the dew had gone up, there was on the face of the wilderness a fine, flake-like thing, fine as frost on the ground. When the people of Israel saw it, they said to one another, “What is it?”For they did not know what it was. And Moses said to them, “It is the bread that the Lord has given you to eat. This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Gather of it, each one of you, as much as he can eat.

And the people of Israel did so. They gathered, some more, some less...whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack. Each of them gathered as much as he could eat...

Moses said, “This is what the Lord has commanded: ‘Let an omer of it be kept throughout your generations, so that they may see the bread with which I fed you in the wilderness, when I brought you out of the land of Egypt. 

{Exodus 16} 

Here's what I'm learning about daily bread and enough from the cranky Israelites: 

1.  Enough is only delivered one day at a time. God could've chosen to rain a flood of Manna that never spoiled in order to provide for them for the entirety of the wandering years. Yet He chose to give just exactly what they needed each morning. Storing up extra manna for longer than a day meant that it would rot away. Do I meet with the Lord daily to gather exactly what He wants to provide for me? His job is to provide enough. Mine is to walk outside of my tent and receive it. Every day. 

2. Daily bread isn't always what we ask for, but it's just what we need. The Israelites complained because what they thought they needed was rich, gourmet food like they had when they lived in captivity. Knowing their fickle, ever changing wants, Yahweh heard their outcry but met their need instead. He provided simple, basic, raw, dry sustenance. Not fancy, but exactly what their bodies needed to sustain life. Similarly, I must remember that the One who designed me knows my deepest needs and how to meet those. I can ask for what I desire but ultimately need to submit to the truth that He knows what is best. I know that He will provide what is enough. Exactly what I need. 

3. Enough has always been and will always be about Him. 

• You shall know that it was the Lord. 
• You shall see the glory of the Lord
• That they may see...

He heard their grumbling and had compassion on them. He rained down bread from heaven. He instructed for them to keep about a cup full of Manna. Why show compassion? Why ask them to remember? So that their very basic need to eat would direct them to Him. So that as they ate each crispy bite of the flaky bread they would taste his provision. So that someday when their grandchildren asked how their people stayed alive in the desert, they would show them the cupful of sustenance and bow in reverent gratitude to the God of Heaven. Enough blesses His people but it's always been and will always be about His fame. It's for that exactly reason that I can trust that He will provide. It's just what He does.