Day 2: Hagar & Sarai. Where I see myself. {pt.1}

Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.

 The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur.  And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?”

“I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered. 

(Gen. 16)

Running, running. Feet pounding the earth, heart pounding in the ears. Tears flying, warm and disappointed. Feet pounding, driving her to a place far away. Far away from that look- the look of jealousy, hot hatred and contempt. Heart filled with so much anxiety, what else was there to do but flee? Mistreated, vulnerable, uncertain, scared.

I see myself in Hagar.

Fuming frustration. A promise was given, but no blessing in sight. Faith was waning. If the Almighty God was so able why, WHY was He causing her to wait? Hope and anger directed at the same source. Jaded and burnt out, bitterness stored up and decaying, the stench became an embarrassment to the neighbors. Trust. Trust. Had he really promised? Perhaps a push, a little effort on her part to move his hand…

I see myself in Sarai.

This chapter, this small story tucked into a chapter in Genesis, seems like the insignificant tale of a servant girl. However, to me this story speaks hope. This story speaks healing to a fearful heart.

I am no stranger to fear. No, I have not been a slave. I have not been mistreated and abused. But I have experienced the kind of fear, the kind that both paralyzes you and tells you that the only escape is to flee. I know the frustration that comes when your head reminds you that God’s heart for you is good, that you can trust that your deepest desires are ones that He planted. But the battle in the heart starts when those pushy doubts lure you into taking what is for certain and turning it into a question.

I am no stranger to fear. It forced its large, yet sneaky, slithering self into my life at the dawn of my young adult life. College brought change and late nights and independence and friendships and the sprouting of seeds prayerfully sown by my parents. Beliefs and interests and values began a beautiful merging that was terrifying and fulfilling and real. My heart beat a new rhythm, a rhythm that was strong and seemed to align with the heartbeat of my Creator. It was as if I stopped and finally noticed the sun as the source of all lumination, rather than just accepting the presence and convenience of light. 

Coming to college was scary. High school was easy and familiar. It was the place in which I knew my place. I graduated, tossed my cap and squished all my dreams into a neatly packed, small box and informed God of my plans. One of those dreams, one that stayed so close to my heart, was the desire to be a wife. Mr. For Sure, my boyfriend of 3 years, was tall and respectful and I loved him as much as a 17-year-old knew how. We wrote letters, had homework sessions, shared holiday dinners, held hands, and dreamed about forever. The first and last man who I thought would ever capture my heart. My heart knew no other option.

Halfway through college, at the dawning of a fresh faith journey, was what I understand to be my first life-shifting encounter with the Holy Spirit.

Do you trust me??

Big words. Big question. Yes? A slow nod in response, quizzical expression on my young face.

Again, Do you trust me??

Tumultuous emotions ensued. Troubled sleep. Soul searching. For the first time, my soul felt out of place. After weeks of prayer and counsel seeking, the hovering haze of anxiety had a place to land. And I was terrified. Trust meant releasing my grip on the neatly packed box of plans and letting it fall down, down, down until it broke and tumbled open and rearranged completely. Trust meant starting over completely. Trust meant saying goodbye to Mr. For Sure and letting my comforter comfort while whispering bigger dreams to my heart.

So I said yes. When the Creator asks you a question, it begs an answer and it always involves heart change. My little box of dreams was pried from my fingers and messily spilled all over my tidy life. My heart was upside down and aching. Yet in the messy aching and dropping of dreams, He met me there. He met me there with gentleness and matched my tears with his own. I had lots of questions. I had so much hurt. I didn’t trust Him. His response:

My heart for you is good. I created your longings and will do immeasurably more than you know how to ask for. Trust me.

And so began a beautiful, very scary, very meaningful time of tip toe faith and sometimes wandering. A journey from fear to faith.