Then the angel of the Lord told her {Hagar}, “Go back to your
mistress and submit to her.” The angel added, “I will increase your descendants
so much that they will be too numerous to count.”….
She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the
God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”
(Gen. 16)
It had been a year since the roots of my faith became the
anchor that empowered my life to take flight. A year since the big Question and
my big (terrified) answer: yes. Yes, I trusted Him. A year since I cut the ties
that linked me to my very big dream. It had been a year of healing, question
asking, wrestling, and needily clinging to the One whose strong hand sustained
me.
What I did not realize when I said yes to faith, was that it
was only the beginning of a series of other challenges. My naïve, learning
little self expected the fulfillment of the promise to come instantaneously. So
I waited, eyes shifting expectantly, as if my demonstration of faith merited a
heavenly reward. And I waited. And waited more. The honeymoon period following
a climax of trust dimmed, leaving me lonely and confused. So I rolled up my sleeves and looked
for ways to expedite the promise He gave me. My impatience and fear of being
forgotten convinced me to try things for myself. This commenced a 6-year period
I like to call:
The wandering.
I so see myself in Sarai.
I impetuously pulled my heart back into my grasp and jumped
back into the dating world. I leaped before I looked, wishful thinking acted as
my guide. Gentlemen were not difficult to find, each funny, good looking and
just my type- the husband type. I reached down, picked up that neatly packed
box of dreams that was shattered, and awkwardly attempted to put it back
together. It was the only context I knew, and each date was with a gentleman
who fit so neatly into that box. I reverted back to my old methods and informed
God that I would like him to open my heart up to this very nice, safe and
predictable potential husband. Long walks, phone talks, and letters from afar
marked my expedition to find love. My poor family walked alongside me, lovingly
investing in each one, then had to say their goodbyes when I couldn’t commit.
Something just wasn’t right. There was a forever-present fortress up, walling
off my heart, making it impossible to receive love. There was a severe lack of peace. The one thing I ached for
was the elusive ghost that flitted so closely to my heart, but absolutely could
not land. So my heart learned a pattern. It was a pattern that got me into a
cycle of fear that I numbly circled through dozens of times.
Intrigue. Pursuit. Commit? Fear. Run away. Disillusionment.
Discouragement.
And like Hagar, fear plagued me, swarming around my busy
mind, drowning out the peaceful tune of God’s melody of love for me. I ran.
I had no other option. Over and over I ran, away from things that were close to
my heart, away from commitment, away from the abiding life I was called to. It seemed
as if the aching desire to be married was unreachable and God had forgotten His
promise.
It was in the running, in the deserts of anxiety that I was
met with the compassion of my Maker.
Where is it that you
are going?
He always meets me with a question. Not just any question,
but a gentle, knowing question. A question that makes me cry and come clean.
Again he reminded me,
My heart for you is good.
Go back and submit to my way. You
can’t hide to avoid what scares you.
Remember: I created your longings and will do immeasurably more than
you know how to ask for. Trust me.
I so see
myself in Hagar.
Why is it that we avoid waiting periods? For me it was a
lack of control. It was a little doubt that grew rapidly- could I really trust?
Now fast forward a few years. The wandering did not end. The
anxiety still plagued me at times. Though I had one good year- a year where I
learned the art of contentment. I learned that trust was messy. It meant facing
what scared me. It meant embracing the rock solid foundational certainty that
Jesus was and is enough.
I met my husband in the most unlikely place in the most
unlikely time, when I wasn't on a husband hunt. He was strong, comfortable, kind and so not the type to fit
neatly within my little box. He was home. And I was delighted to receive the immeasurably more that was
promised to me so many years before. It was more than a longing fulfilled. It
was a longing extravagantly satisfied, filled with blessing and abundance
spilling over. My mouth proclaimed the joy spilling from my satisfied soul,
“I have now seen the One who sees me”!
Fear is no match for the radical way I am seen and
intimately known by the One who pursues me into the desert of my anxiety. He
sees me. I am changed.