The anxious soul's guide to scary current events

I'm sad to say that the last few months'  events have stirred up something truly ugly inside of me. Long talks, tears, stress, disbelief. The unreasonable has become reasonable. That big scary, murderous scene you only see on movies has happened in real life. I always knew evil existed, but it's become more cruel than I imagined. It makes me ache. It makes me want to stay in bed. 

Many of you are scared too- but just a normal amount of scared. It's the same kind of scared when you get lost somewhere in the dark or can't find your mom in Costco. Many of you also feel the stress and wonder what life could be like in a few years. But it stops there. 

For those of us with anxiety, however, the word "scared" doesn't truly communicate the depth of our experience. As I've shared before, generalized anxiety has been a part of my story for most of my adult life. It's been that little, or sometimes big, grey cloud hanging over my head casting a shadow over day-to-day life. Sometimes I know it's there and it doesn't bother me. Lately it's been big, bossy, and really good at blocking out any semblance of sunshine or light. It's always there, waiting to find something to land on to produce panic. You've guessed it, it's landed on these current world events. If you have an anxious soul like mine, you've probably had some of the same ideas as me- to avoid large public arenas like movie theaters, concert halls or stadiums, avoid large cities, plane rides and travel in general.  How can a newly married couple like us even think about raising children in this world? 

Anxiety tells me to play it very safe, stay comfortable and hidden and put my dreams on hold. 

But what kind of life is a life hidden, cautious and fearful? Surely this can't be the life my Creator dreamed up for me. Surely there is another way. 

I can't always just will my anxiety away. Even with encouragement from others, anxiety doesn't just disappear with even the most genuine spiritual discipline. But there are some things I'm trying so I can master my anxiety instead of let it master me. It's a work in progress, as is my heart, but it's helping. Here's a few tips from the anxious soul's guide to scary current events: 

1. Ignorance isn't bliss. Get the facts, but know when to stop researching. 
It's tempting to bury my head in the sand when I'm scared of what I'm hearing and seeing. However, I'm learning that accurate information is key. Ignorance leaves lots of gaps for imagination, which is fuel for anxiety. Rather than avoidance, I choose my sources wisely and get the facts. However, I know when to stop researching. With so many articles shared on Facebook and so many news sources, there is never an end to the seemingly "accurate" information I could find. It's easy to get on a streak of binge clicking on pictures and headlines but end up with less credible information and a giant load of extra panic. Be informed, but know when enough is enough. 

2. May "what if" be an opportunity for perspective. 
I've shared this before, but it's worth sharing again. A counselor once gave me the most helpful and practical tool. It's a simple phrase- a phrase I often take with me and use when I recognize fear in the voice of a friend. 

What if the worst does happen? 

It seems counterintuitive to ask an anxious person what the worst case scenario is because chances are, we've already pinpointed it, explored it and lived it out in our heads three times. But it's effective because of the way that it names the masked unknown. It puts into words something scary that grows powerful in secrecy. It disarms it by calling it by its name. 

And once the worst case scenario is named, it's amazing what happens. All of the sudden the big, bad, worst loses its power. In this case, I've asked myself this question and have found that even if a very bad guy shows up to my town and wreaks havoc, even if devastation finds me, even if (God forbid) my very life is in jeopardy, I find myself at Heaven's doorstep. Is that so bad?? Perspective. It's a powerful thing. May your "what if" become a chance to see beyond the blinding effect of fear. 

3. You become that on which you dwell. 
This is not meant to sound all existential and "I-think-therefore-I-Am" ish. It's just to say that the things the heart and head choose to dwell on become reality. I think that Paul was onto something by his instructions in Philippians 4: "Whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy...think about these things." He must have known the human's propensity to get fixated on things that lead to devastation. I know my tendency. I don't think this means that believers should be ignorant. I think we need to be informed and strategic. Yet we don't need to walk around in paranoia. Make a conscious choice to dwell on what is true and right and excellent and all those other good things. May that become our reality. 

4. Don't let comfort become the ultimate answer. 
I've noticed something. When I am fearful, my priority singularly becomes how I can keep myself safe and healthy. I no longer ask the Lord how He wants me to use my time or what He wants for my future. I zone in on my own wellbeing and my loyalty gets shifted to an idol- comfort. When comfort is my god, the outcome is fear and selfishness. When comfort is my god, I am not the dynamic, thriving, God-pleasing being that I was made to be. I may feel safe, but absolutely everything is stifled and misused. Truth is, my Creator is the only one worthy of my full attention. He may ask me to get uncomfortable, He may ask me to face what scares me most, but He always gives me His peace and presence to go ahead of me and with me. And that's infinitely better than my own self-protection plan anyway. 

So my friends, if you are an anxious soul, you are in good company. Let's link arms and help each other as we learn how NOT to be mastered by anxiety. In the coming days, may we be people of bold faith, not fear. We are more than conquerors, after all. 

Day 31: Mostly happy endings, C.S. Lewis, and a big rhetorical question.

Day 31 is here! It came quickly and took forever at the same time. Finishing this series kind of feels like finishing your last year of school or a reading the last page of a really good book. It's been hours of study, prayerful thought and rough drafts so it's a relief to reach the end. But it's also a little sad too. I ping pong between rejoicing in the free time I'll have back and wanting to start all over again. Overall, what a beautiful journey this word Enough has led me on! It reminds me of the words of C.S. Lewis, "Further up, further in"- the further into this journey I ventured, the more Enough became fuller and bigger and deeper. The more the truth of it soaked into the unreachable spaces inside of me. It began as a small fascination with Enough, and now it has created a sort of lens through which I view the big life decisions, my relationships and the menial tasks on my list. Can you even imagine how vast and unfathomable the character of our God is? I was drawn to worship and growth through one word, one small characteristic of our Father. How much more immeasurable is the heart of our Creator? It both terrifies and fills me with wonder.

Today, I'm sitting at my desk with a list of things to complete, people to talk to, decisions to make and a basket full of things that I could spend some time worrying about. Some of those include direction for my future, interpersonal conflicts, unanswered prayers...and it leads me to the question:

How does { more than } enough apply to even these deep, unresolved things?

To study, meditate, and write on the { more than } enough God, claim to be transformed and then go back to my old habits would be silly. That would not be fruitful. James' words challenge me too:

Be doers of the Word, not hearers only, deceiving yourselves... (1:22)

A doer hears the truth and lives differently. I want to be a doer.

So this morning I told the Lord my faith needed a little help. I confessed that I wasn't sure that he would respond to those aching things I've been praying about for so long. I repented for my disbelief and asked for His eyes, that the truth of { more than } enough would reach even that sacred, secret place closest to my heart.

And these are the words that rang out, piercing the hazy doubt. These words popped out from Scripture and like a dagger, pierced the precise place of unbelief:

Is anything too hard for the LORD?
|Genesis 18:14|


Now obviously that's a rhetorical question: something asked to make an obvious point. The answer is NO. Nothing is impossible for our { more than } enough God. No broken relationship, no addiction, no crippling weakness, no chronic pain or illness, no big dream, no change of heart, nothing. 

I'm looking ahead at the uncertain future and the deep, unresolved things with anticipation because I've spent this whole 4 weeks meditating on His lavishness. Surely He can do something great with these small, worrisome things. For He will once again prove that He is the One who takes scarcity and sacrifice and makes abundance. 

Day 30: The thing about { more than } enough.

There's something really cool about the promise of { more than } enough. In fact, if you only remember one thing about enough, this should be it. 

Most wonderful things only happen once. That 50% off coupon is a one-time-use. That vacation of a lifetime ends with a plane ride home. That blissful wedding day feels as if time stops, but the next morning comes leaving only dreamy memories in its wake. I keep expecting blessing to happen that way. I keep expecting forgiveness to be that way. 

But it's not. 

It's kind of like an ocean. Draw from it, filter it into a river, watch it splash up onto the rocks, evaporate when the sun comes out. It's endless. The ocean won't run dry. My eyes can't even see its limit, can't measure its depth. It's a powerful, deep, limitless, unfathomable force. 

So is our { more than } enough God. 

His provision, His resources will not run out. His grace and forgiveness just keep moving, giving life and restoration to the earth. His good heart of love is constant and steady and rhythmic like the waves and it beats against my very human soul. It's eroding away the jagged sin, stubborn barnacles of infirmity. It splashes, covers, engulfs me. I cannot get it to stop no matter what I do or don't do. And it's really unlike anything else- He wants me to keep asking for more. He blesses me, gives abundance and then reminds me that He's never going to run out. In fact, asking Him is not needy or consumeristic. It blesses His heart and tells Him that I believe He is able. I grab the hand of a tired, worn out friend and drag them to the ocean of grace. I open up my hands, accept his many good gifts and look up toward Heaven expectantly for more.

And like an ocean, He thunders and crashes powerfully onto the shore of this dry land. I know it'll never end. 

Such is the heartbeat of our immeasurably more God. 

Day 29: Our Hope: A big, (painful), beautiful finale.

Let's rewind to Day 2 to the list of responses Facebook friends gave me in response to my question: What does ENOUGH mean to you? 

At the time I was surprised to find that most people associated this word with finality- a response to being fed up and overdone.  A declaration of "no more". It made me sad that people saw this word so negatively- a word that found me, stirred up hope and promise, and keeps getting bigger and better the more I study it. 

But I found something. An instance in Scripture where Enough is used in this context. It's a declaration of finality, a big loud bang of a finish. It's a good thing, too. It's a wham of a finish to the story of you and I. It's spectacular, but it's not the kind of finale we are used to- the 4th of July firework finale, or the fairy tale ending of a good Disney movie. The story does build expectantly toward the end, but it doesn't climax dramatically. But it really is a big deal, and it's easy to miss if you don't look carefully. 

As Jesus hung shamefully from that cross, hundreds watching him suffer, He knew He'd reached the end of his earthly life. Above His head was an inscription of mockery. The people who'd followed and listened to Him the last few years stood by watching in terror, some were even jeering. A group of men were gambling for Jesus' clothes. His friends, His inner circle  and confidantes, nowhere to be seen. Not even His Father, the One who sent Him, could look upon Him for the sins of mankind were too gruesome to behold for the Holy One. 

Why didn't he get himself down from there? Why didn't He bring revenge to his punishers? Why did he allow himself to be the victim of such brutal torture? 

Committed to obedience and restoration, I bet he closed his eyes and thought of all the faces that would be welcomed into his inheritance, His kingdom as a result of His death. And to him, all of this pain, humiliation and loneliness was absolutely worth it. 

So He bowed His head. Took one more deep breath, and spoke the beautiful finale of our story:

It is Finished. 

Sufficient. 
Complete. 
Full. 
{ more than } Enough. 
Finality. 

He did not mean that his life was over. 
He did not say it dejectedly with shoulders sagging, as if He lost. 
His exhalation was a victory chant, the rhythm of the redeemed. 
When He said, 

It is Finished

He also meant:
SIN is finished.
EVIL is finished. 
SLAVERY is finished. 
WALLS OF HOSTILITY are finished. 
CIRCUMCISION is finished. 
SACRIFICES are finished. 
FEAR OF DEATH is finished. 
TRYING TO APPEASE GOD is finished. 
KEEPING ALL THE RULES is finished. 

All of the things that were obstacles to eternal life or formulas to please Him were abolished. Everything that was, no longer is. When He did what He did that day, He opened to the door to the { more than } enough life. Gone are the days of keeping all the laws, living in fear of displeasing God, uncertainty about eternity. Gone are the days of striving. I am in Christ, the One who died once for all and spoke the words of freedom and finality: 

It is Finished. 

And hallelujah, that is more than enough. 

Day 28: Embracing the beauty of less.

This is one of those unapologetic girly posts. I realize I'll lose some people with this one, but I still think it's worth sharing. 

The topic of Enough has me thinking about things in an outside-the-box way. Enough has impacted me spiritually, emotionally, relationally, and now it's even making me think about how I decorate my home. I love love love to nest, rearrange, find new treasures, and make our little apartment feel cozy. What I'm finding is that as I look through magazines or decorator guru's blogs, I drool and wish and figure out how to buy more beautiful things. I get lured into the pottery barn fantasy life and start dreaming about what it would be like to take up residence in Anthropologie. It's a fun dream. It's also an expensive dream. As much as I'd like to think that I'd reach perfect nesting contentment there, with every beautiful, rustic, chic thing at my fingertips, I know deep down in my gut that I just wouldn't. There will always be that new look, that new rug, that new set of throw pillows (don't even get me started on my love for pillows)...and it'll be a losing game. 

So what's a girl to do? How can contentment be achieved in such a world where there is always more to be had? 

I've loved what one of my favorite blogger friends is teaching me about enough in her home. 

Check out my friend Myquillyn of The Nester.  Here is the place where I've learned things like:

It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful. 

and

How to be a Cozy Minimalist. 

This summer she challenged her readers to simplify home decor by clearing surfaces, temporarily boxing up extra knick knacks, letting furniture stand alone, and decorating with simple, natural items. 

Nesting is my art, the way I express the personality of our home. And I don't like boring. I was nervous that for a few months our home would feel boring and expressionless. 

The result was the opposite effect. For the first time in a long time our home felt like it  had breathing room and clarity. I wanted to just sit with a book and soak it all in. I wanted to invite others into our space. 

Surprisingly, I didn't miss all of my extra things. Our home didn't feel lacking. It made me relax, take myself out of the rat race of more, and embrace what we had with gratitude. Just another way this 31 day writing challenge  is changing me these days. I experienced the fullness of enough by embracing the beauty of less. 

Day 27: When enough needs a little help. A story about a metaphor.

We paired up at the request of our professor and sat outside on a bench. It was breezy but warm and the sun was out on that fine Portland day. We had spent a couple days hearing each others' stories, practicing coaching and speaking words of kindness. It was this day that I experienced what it's like when enough gets a little help. And it was an experience I'll never forget. 

If enough is truly enough, why would it need a little help? 

Each man and woman who is in Christ is offered a one-of-a-kind identity. It starts at conception when a completely unique disposition is created, a gift setting apart man as an image bearer of the Creator. It is then solidified at salvation through gifts of the Holy Spirit. This identity, these powerful words in Scripture should be enough. And yet...

The tension comes from what Brene Brown (A-mazing stuff coming from this wise woman!) refers to as the narrative in our heads, playing on repeat like a skipping record. It's all made up but is very believable. It's a message of shame, a message of doubt, a message that loves being kept secret. The result? Identity crisis. Eternally meaningful work neglected. 

The identity Christ has offered me is final. What he says about me is enough. BUT. Sometimes it needs a little encouragement. This is where the body of Christ comes in.

Let's go back to my day in Portland. Carolyn and I sat outside, quietly asking the Lord for a word of encouragement for the other. The assignment? To offer a metaphor in response to the two long days of hearing each others' stories. She smiled, looked into my eyes and gently spoke LIFE into my dry soul. Here was her metaphor to describe me:

You're in a giant row boat full of lots of people. You all have a common desire- to get to your desired location. You are all working hard together to make that happen. Yet your role is completely unique. Rather than facing the front of the boat and rowing with the crew, you are facing the opposite direction. Your eyes are not focused ahead, but glued on the faces of your teammates. Your goal? To keep your teammates rowing. You are cheering them on, calling them to give more, to keep rowing when they want to quit. You are speaking hope to them and they are working harder because of your words. 

 Remember, Katy, that your role looks different than others'. So you'll be tempted to compare their hard work with yours. But you just can't because you are doing different kinds of work and both are vital to the success of the crew. Your teammates need you. Don't compare, don't wish for another role, just get in that boat, look your team in the eye and do what you're made for. 

My {more than} enough, God-given identity needed a little help to get past the iron fortress of my self narrative. A little help came in the form of a sweet friend who was willing to hear me, tune into the Lord's heart, then breathe hopeful truth words. Words are one of the most powerful kingdom forces. 

The narrative in my head? Insecurity, feeling misunderstood, comparing myself to others, questioning my calling and value. 

My true identity? A leader, a cheerleader, exhorter, influencer, life-giver. 

Sometimes enough needs a little help. That's what we do for each other. And it's not just a nicety, it's the vital duty of each believer to listen for a true identity buried in lies, then ferociously help unearth what is true. I needed it, it changed me. I want to be that helper for others who may be struggling with identity crisis. What He says about us is enough, but sometimes it just needs a little help. For me it was a metaphor of a row boat. 

Day 26: Enough words. Is there such thing as TOO transparent?

Ever notice how each generation operates out of some kind of reactionary response to the generation before it? I think I'm noticing what this generation's reactionary response is...brash vulnerability. 

I love being a Generation Y'er. I love working with Millennials. I think both have a lot of strengths. These are some of the most driven, authentic and capable people I know. Compelled by a cause, these people don't just settle for the status quo. This is a culture of critical thinking, questioning what has been, and forging a new adventure. But every gift has its dark side. 

I think our dark side makes sense. I think it's possible that the quest for what is real and vulnerable comes from watching the generations before us struggle through difficulty without opening up with others. We sat in church pews thinking that it was the place that only perfectly clean and tidy folks came with all of their hard, messy things left at home. A few decades earlier, "taboo" topics were neglected such as sexuality, addictions, mental health, family problems, or basically anything broken. So we watched our parents struggle through difficult things, figuring it out for themselves. I bet they told themselves that they would live differently than their parents, and parent differently than their parents. They probably had a reactionary response of their own. 

What is brash vulnerability? 

Well, I made it up. I don't think it's really a thing but let's call it that for now. A guy a know calls it "reckless honesty". I like that A LOT. 

It's something negative that came from something good (like so many other things in this life). That something good originally was a desire for authenticity. The yearning for people to just calm down, take off those masks and heavy self-protective armor and just. be. real. To be willing to open up and stop ignoring the large, obvious proverbial elephant and say, "look, an elephant. Let's talk about that". My generation craves people who will embrace a whole person, messy and clean parts alike. I crave that too. Don't we all? 

Aren't we all a little messy?

BUT. It's gotten a little out of control. Somewhere along the way the desire for authenticity got twisted into a sense of entitlement. This entitlement says: 

Because I have a voice to speak and a story to share, anyone who has ears should and WILL hear me. And if they are put off by what is say, it's not because I have been abrasive with my language, it's because they are not tolerant and therefore not worth my time.

It's a cause and effect. Entitlement breeds brash vulnerability. 

What's the problem with this? A few things. 

For one, Ephesians urges us to only speak what is beneficial for building others up (4:29)- what in the world is beneficial about brash vulnerability? Is it even worth being spoken? It is the equivalent of word vomit, spewing all over whomever is closest. Vomit is really only useful to the one who hurled it out of their system. 

Second, brash vulnerability is the opposite of wisdom. Wisdom looks for a few wise sets of ears who have a deep well of understanding, hearts in tune with the Lord's, and steady souls to handle the weight of heavy things. It is very okay, even wise, to share openly with a few discerning people. They can listen with grace and speak words of truth. Brash vulnerability chooses to tell whomever can hear them. Not everyone with ears should be trusted with the most confidential and insecure parts of the soul. 
{I won't say more on this, but beware of the way social media plays into this! Yikes.} 

Enough and wisdom are closely connected. Enough challenges us on our quest to authenticity to pause and ask a few key questions before divulging personal information:

• Is this the right person to talk to about this? 
• Is sharing this going to be beneficial for them also or just me? 
• Is this appropriate transparency? Or just brash vulnerability? 

So is there such thing as TOO authentic? I would say so. It just depends on what the heart is trying to get out of it. Here is a helpful tip: if it's to find healing, confidentiality and truth, it's probably authenticity. If it's just to get attention, it's most likely reckless honesty. May we be people who know and live the difference. 

Day 25: As much information as I need.

I have quit watching the news these days. It's not because I don't care about current events or what's happening outside of my small world, because I do. It's not because I can't handle things that aren't happy, because I can. It's just that the everyday brokenness beats around and weathers my already anxious heart. 

Plane crash. 
Shooting.
Political campaign. 
Some big business going bankrupt. 
Someone suing someone over something ridiculous. 

I feel the birth pains, the earth longing for restoration and justice. Yes, there is hope in these tumultuous days because of the joy that is to come. But oh my heavens, I just can't stick my fearful self into the swirling whirlwind of evil in the name of being "current". 

When I have spent too much time reading up on the nitty gritty details of current events, I get incredibly overwhelmed. Information doesn't empower me, it paralyzes me. Then I start asking questions like, 

Why?
When, God? 

Anxiety makes me feel entitled to know all the answers. Rather than spend time in prayer, I decide I'd like to avoid anything that could remotely be dangerous. Like yesterday's post stated, I like to fix and feel like I have even a little bit of control. Withdrawal and "having a plan" gives me the illusion that I can keep a tight reign over my world. That if I'm so so so so careful and avoid anything scary, my small bubble will never bump into evil. I guess that kind of works for a while. If I stay in our apartment with doors locked, unwilling to even leave to purchase food or see people, very little bad will happen to me. Very little good will happen to me too. I will also forfeit all of the very beautiful things that come from engaging this world too. That is no way to live. 

What does this have to do with enough? 

Well, that's a good question. I suppose what I'm learning is that life doesn't come with a safety guarantee. It doesn't insure that my world will not encounter chaos at times and even some evil. I wish it did. But what is offered to me is enough. I know enough to live in complete and utter peace in the midst of disaster. Here is the message of enough I'm choosing to meditate on. May it surround your heart with peace today as it does mine. 

God is our refuge and strength,

    a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

    though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

 

though its waters roar and foam,

    though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

    the holy habitation of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;

    God will help her when morning dawns.

 

The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;

    he utters his voice, the earth melts.

 

The Lord of hosts is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Come, behold the works of the Lord,

    how he has brought desolations on the earth.

 

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

    he burns the chariots with fire.

 

“Be still, and know that I am God.

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth!”

 

The Lord of hosts is with us;

    the God of Jacob is our fortress. 

{ Psalm 46 }

Day 24: Knowing when to call it good.

I have this bad habit. I call it a habit because it's been with me as long as I can remember. I cannot remember what life was like before it. It's not a destructive behavior, and if you aren't paying attention you may not even notice it about me. But I notice. And my inner circle of people notice. I've tried it all. Years of accountability, treatments, topical antidotes...and I cannot, will not stop biting my nails. 

Trust me, I've explored reasons, asked myself all the usual questions about why I do it. None of them have provided clarity or given me the sudden desire to quit. No I'm not anxious, nervous or bored. And I'm so not proud of it! I do wish I had pretty, dainty nails so I could get a manicure like a normal girl. But the funny thing about habits is that the longer they stick around, the more you buy into the rationalization behind that habit. After years of battling nail biting, I still think that each time I start picking my fingernails that this will be the last time I do it. That this last time will finally remove the desire to do it completely. 

It doesn't work. 

I'm beginning to understand what's behind this a little bit. I pick at my nails because I want to fix them. What I don't realize, however, is that my "fixing" is making the problem worse. Hangnails and self-conscious hands are the result. I think this quirky, silly problem is a small illustration of something very real. I think it makes me human. 

We humans like to fix things. Fix people, fix problems. It's what we do. There is no satisfaction like the kind we feel after we problem solve and find resolution. Perhaps it comes from our desire to be helpers. Maybe even our desire to feel important. That's where the bad habit starts. Some predicaments aren't mean to be fixed. Some people don't want you to make it go away. Yet we pick, pick, pick then wonder why it seems worse than before. Being a fixer is addicting. 

Part of the Enough message is learning when to call it good. That means recognizing when I'm operating out of my need to fix. Am I helping? Or just enabling a bad habit in myself? Enough says to release control to the One who's always had it. To the One who can handle it. 

I don't have this one figured out yet but I'm sure going to work on figuring it out. You'll be able to tell by checking my fingernails. 

Day 23: Marriage: the place where not quite enough is a good thing.

Marriage is so fun. 

We knew it would be. 

It wasn't too long ago that we ran out of an old church, had bubbles blown at us, jumped in my uncle's 50-something Bel Air and stared at each other with giddy adoration. My dress took up half the back seat and he looked so dapper in his suspenders. As the car took off we knew deep down that we had just signed up for a totally new adventure. 

And yes indeed, it has been an adventure. I can almost hear Karen Carpenter, low and melodic, 
We've only just begun....
We really have only just begun. Just a year-and-a-half old, we are growing gracefully into this new thing called marriage. Some may say that we are living off of the "honeymoon high" or something silly like that. Maybe we are. But we've had our jagged, brittle edges too. Like most good things, marriage is an interplay between incandescent joy and the sheer grit of sticking with it when it's hard. I love the peaks and dips that are making our journey so full of life. It's laughing 'til we cry about something no one else cares about. It's the comfort of closing out the day with his warm, strong arms. Belonging, closeness, companionship. These are the fruits of this great gift. 

Yet even at its very very best, we are learning that even marriage has its limits. Our hunger for each other, though given to us by God, cannot be fully satisfied in each other. Our craving comes from something much greater, woven into the very makeup of our souls. We long to be united, yearn to be fully open and known, crave to be wanted. Aren't we all just creatures longing to experience these things with our Maker, the one who dreamed us up and designed us for Himself? 

So marriage is good. It is deeply satisfying. But it's not not quite enough to quench the longings of my heart. And that's a good thing. It reminds me why we said "I do" to begin with- it's always been and always will be about modeling His lavish love to His people. I may not understand this yet, but sometimes the soul craves what the limited flesh cannot conceive (and that is not a marriage pun). 

Marriage was never meant to be where I find all of my needs met. It's the one place where not quite enough is a very good thing. 

Day 22: What I'm telling my worry these days.

For those of you who've read my words for the last few years, especially the words in last year's 31 day challenge, you are aware that worry is a periodic struggle for me. Okay...maybe more than periodic. It's actually more like a reoccurring patch of eczema that repeatedly shows its itchy, scaly self after years of doing all the right things. It just keeps coming back. I'm not proud of it. I'm not giving up on trying to fight it. I'm not paralyzed by it anymore. It's just kind of there. Some days it's all red and flared up. Some days it's subdued. 

This last week, I had a few days of red, flared up worry. There was a complaining session (but I called it "processing". Much more dignified, I think) and there were some tears. To be honest, I can't even fully recall or put into words what exactly I was all worried about. 

I'm guessing you've had a few of these days too. That bill came in the mail. That phone call rang with that news. You're just not sure if you're going to be able to handle what's ahead. 

How can someone live in this life and care deeply about things withOUT worry?? 

As I'm studying the deep significance of the word Enough, I realized that it plays into this pesty little struggle of mine. So I'm trying some good 'ole self truth talk. 

Enough. 
Peace, be still. 
The Lord is on your side. 

These ancient words calmed an anxious David as he fled from Saul and hid in a cave for refuge. Those words may have been all he had. If he managed to speak truth to himself when his very life was in danger, how much more will the bold truth of enough set me free from my smaller everyday concerns?

Enough striving. Enough spinning your mind in a tangled web of worry. Enough fixing. Be still. Whatever is so worrisome to you is no match next to the all knowing, deeply compassionate, oh so able Creator. And He's on your team. 

That's what I'm telling my worry these days. I'm not saying it's a quick fix. Worry doesn't dissipate with a quick pop of a truth pill. But maybe saying these words will engrain in me something new- something restorative. 

These words reach a different part of my heart when accompanied by beautiful music. So I've spent many hours with this song on repeat. If you have a few minutes, I'd recommend you have a listen too. 

Be Still My Soul {Leigh Nash}

So if you're a worrier, you're in good company. I hear you, friend. The struggle is real. Let's join forces and start speaking to our worry together. I invite you to start speaking boldly to mine.