Day 26: Choosing different. Fighting the fear of generational sin.

Life seems to happen in cycles. 

Sin seems to happen in cycles. 

That's precisely what scares me. 

The further into my adult life I go and the more I hear peoples' stories I find that every family has its broken pieces. Every family has its skeletons in the closet. We tend to look at the outside layer of families, the neat and tidy layer that seems to look even prettier on Facebook, and compare it to everything we know about our own. We get sad. Discontent. Comparison saps us of our perspective. It saps us of our joy. 

But dig down deeper, beyond the Facebook exterior. Spend a week in that household, maybe even just a day and you'll find something in that family that closely resembles your own. That secret sin, that shameful addiction, that unresolved hurt from years ago. We all do our best to slap on a happy, loving face and live in spite of it, though the aftershock of sin comes in waves and each family member feels it in his or her own way. Some families fight, each carefully protecting themselves as they shoot fiery arrows with words aimed at each other. Then isolation, silence, estrangement. Some families avoid, terrified of naming the hurt. Consequences and distrust follow along with a fake smile and tight grip on comfort. 

There's this idea out there that is paralyzing. This idea that sin will come back to bite you and your future family. That your children will be destined to follow the path of sin their forefathers lived. That if you were a victim you are destined to victimize. It's the what-goes-around-comes-around mentality. 

I get the idea of consequences. It's biblical, it's reasonable. Sins ripples go wider and further than just the one who committed the sin.

But where do restoration and redemption fit?? 

Each person comes from a broken family. Even church going families with a mom and a dad can be broken. Even families that love each other. It's the response to brokenness that determines healing and holiness. 

When unresolved, unhealed, and shamefully hidden,these broken pieces fester and grow. They grow, infected and swollen and painful. And these broken pieces become the weapon with which to harm others. Unfortunately this is the most common response we see to brokenness. This is the kind of brokenness that is used to fuel the fear of generational sin.

What if we took those broken pieces and submitted them over to the hands of our Father? What if we admitted our brokenness, walked into the wound rather than away from it, and asked for healing? The Almighty Creator is the only One who can make ugly beautiful again. He is the only One who can re-create. What is placed in His hands is never wasted. This is the response- the beautiful, repentant response that blesses God's heart. This is the response He longs for. 

I am choosing different. I am a daughter/sister/granddaughter of a loving (yet broken) family. Aren't we all? I don't believe in the destiny of generational sin because I know the living, active, loving Healer. I give him my broken pieces and in exchange I find restoration. Sometimes it's painful. Yet with Him, scars are transformed to evidences of grace. Aches are becoming stories of redemption. 

For myself and my family, I am choosing different. 

Day 25: It takes bravery to stand against church consumerism.

Oh, what good consumers we are. 

We research, weigh the pros and cons, check reviews, try before we buy and analyze, analyze, analyze.

How does this suit MY needs?? 

If the potential purchase is a precious gem or a plasma television or a home, this makes sense. It's even wise. 

BUT. It saddens me that this same consumeristic mindset is used by believers when choosing a church. 

Is the pastor funny? Does he preach exegetically? From the ESV? Will it meet me where I'm at spiritually? Is the music professional quality? Is the sound not too loud, not too soft? Are there enough hymns? No hymns? Is this church relevant? Will it have everything to meet mine and my family's needs? Does the youth pastor wear hip designer jeans? Do we receive a friendly smile and greeting from everyone on the first day we visit? Gee, I sure hope they aren't one of those "seeker friendly" churches. 

The desire to get a good buy, to get the most of your money is not a bad thing. But we cannot bring this same process into our journey of finding a body of believers to grow with. Though finding a church is a big decision, it is not AT ALL the same as purchasing your first home or your dream TV. 

There are a few things to remember when deciding on a church home. Or deciding whether or not to stick with yours. 

1. Church is an earthly representation of a perfect union. Therefore, your church will be imperfect. It is a gathering of spirit-filled believers who bear the stains and scars of sin. The people next to you in the pew will disappoint and hurt you sometimes. Even the pastor (gasp!) will offend you occasionally. Why? Because the church was never meant to meet all of your deepest relational needs. We are all on this bumpy journey to becoming Christ-like. We are both already and not yet like Christ. This journey takes forgiveness. It takes grace. Lower your unhealthy expectations that you project onto the leadership and people of the church. 

2. If you are willing, restoration can be found. Like most meaningful (and eternal) relationships, brokenness happens. We know this, but it always seems to catch us off guard for some reason. The easy response is to walk away, disillusioned and burnt out. But it takes bravery to stay put, ask questions to gain understanding, then shut up and listen. You can choose to stick with what you committed to, even though it has let you down, and restoration is possible. BUT, it will be hard. Expect it. Roll up your sleeves, pray hard and fight for restoration. It's worth it. Do the brave thing. 

3. Know what the essentials are. There are absolutes in God's Word. Absolutes that define the pillars of our faith. Absolutes that have never and will never change about God's character and His design for us. However, there are things that have not been implicitly stated that we have grafted into our church code of conduct. Sometimes no one is sure how it got there. Maybe tradition, maybe just bad exegesis. These are what I'm going to call the non-essentials. These are the non salvation-oriented things that the church is really good at wounding people with. Also, these are the things that many leave churches for. These need to be moved from the "must have" category to the "luxury" category. The imperfect, God-designed beauty of the church is that it is comprised of different types of Christians. All different shapes, sizes, colors and opinions on these non-essentials. We need them all. Remove the diversity and we become a cult. Make sure if you are considering a church or considering leaving a church, you've prayerfully sorted out if you're caught up on an essential or a non-essential. 

"In the essentials unity, in the nonessentials liberty". 

Augustine

4. The church does not exist to meet your needs. Yes, come hungry. You will be fed. Yes, come weary and you will find strength. However, these are both things found in your relationship with a living God. They are offered to you daily, hourly. A church gathering is not the only place to be filled. It is an extension of your personal daily worship, just paired with fellowship and public expression. True growth happens in AND outside of church walls.  The church represents a perfect union between Christ and His bride to a dying world. How can we represent such a union when we are busy turning up our noses and getting our panties in a bunch over things that don't suit our fancy? 

5. Be the change you want to see. Want more of something in your church? See a need for change? Have you ever considered that you might be the solution? Don't get irritated about a lack, sit and wait for change or leave because of it. Talk to your pastors, ask questions to understand why, then ask yourself how you can be a part of the change. 

There is no exact prescription for finding the perfect church fit. There are also exceptions. The point is, church consumerism is an unhealthy pattern. The funny thing about patterns is- they repeat. No matter the church. 

Pick a church in your community. Know the essentials. Plant your roots. Commit to growing and sharing life alongside imperfect people. Commit to being Jesus in your community. It might hurt, it might be hard. But why does it matter? It's not/never been about you. Let's drop the consumeristic mentality. 

Day 24: what the Hunger Games teaches me about fear.

The Hunger Games series has me totally inspired. Talk about a story with fear in it. This story is basically founded on fear. Today I saw Mockingjay, the 3rd of 4. Now I won't give a spoiler and I don't claim to be a movie critic. I am very intrigued, however, at the subtle and overt messages the Hunger Games teaches me about fear. 

Fear and manipulation are very closely linked. Not every type of fear, but the fear I've addressed in previous posts. The kind of fear that suffocates. The kind of fear that thrives in the uncertain, the irrational. The capitol built a system on the very basis of this type of fear- a rat race for power and privilege. By using this kind of fear, they shove people into rigid categories with specific regulations about work and conduct. For years, these categories of people operate inside of a paradigm that many have accepted as normal, unquestioningly. What keeps them there? Manipulation. The assumed belief that as lesser people they cannot amount to more. What's the tool used to accomplish that manipulation? Fear. Tactics that inject panic and brainwash. Fear is powerful and merges effectively with manipulation. 

Fear is the hardest habit to unlearn. Fear runs deep. It goes beyond a feeling or response. It becomes innate and engrained. It can commandeer identity, altering the very fabric of the human character. Once locked behind its iron gates, it becomes hard to imagine life outside. It is destructive. It is the hardest habit to unlearn. Unlearning it takes time, sweat, roll-up-your-sleeves work. Unlearning it takes healing. 

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Surprisingly enough the villain is the one who offers these words. Though fear is the hardest to unlearn, it is not impossible. It can only be conquered by a source larger than self, larger than factors that trigger it. People long for a symbol of hope, a symbol pointing to a coming redemption. Those under the oppression of the capitol are inspired to rise up and fight when the Mockingjay is in their midst. It's not the symbol itself or Katniss's story that inspires, but what that symbol represents. A symbol of hope compels people to fight and to fight to the death for a cause that is bigger than themselves. Fear rules when there is no greater cause. Hope, tethered to a symbol of the good that is to come is the only way to unlock the tyranny of fear. Not surprisingly, it seems that every good story points to this symbol of hope. This longing for a coming redemption seems to be woven into the tapestry of the human DNA. This longing is the one breathed into us and fulfilled by the symbol of hope we receive in Christ, the once-for-all hero of all sin.  

Day 23: bold enough to face insecurity.

Pssssst.... I have a secret. 

It feels really raw to put it into words. 

I am designed to be an encourager and minister. I am a people person. In this season, I am called to work with college people. I love this vulnerable, hard, deep and meaningful time in a person's life. I get the privilege of coming alongside to enter into the messy questions and insecurity. I also get the privilege of having a front row seat to growth as roots move deeper and fruit is in abundance. 

But here's the raw part. Some days I feel very helpful and wise. Other days I feel more insecure than ever. With trepidation, I tuned into the dialogue in my head. 

Not good enough. 
Not organized enough. 
Not as good as (so-and-so).
Not smart enough.
Just mediocre. 
Disappointing. 

And I wilt. And withdraw. 

Today was one of those days where I had to purposefully strain to hear above the droning on of that familiar dialogue. I squinted to read the lips of those who'd speak to me, fighting the monotone noise in my head. And on I trudged throughout this Monday, feeling like the victim. 

Along came a not-so-coincidental wise man, a coworker of mine. His engaging smile told me that he was interested in having a philosophical chat...not exactly what I was looking for. In the midst of that conversation, my ears received words and my heart beat fast. You know that feeling when you know that the Lord's pressing something important into your soul? He said,

Be careful of the voices you hear about yourself. Which one of them is Jesus? His is very rarely one of judgment and distaste.

I don't even remember the context. I just knew those words were predestined for my heart. Insecurity is a smorgasbord of half truths. Insecurity's intent is to paralyze and make you small. Bravery cuts through that reminding you that you are not a victim. Face that insecurity. Listen for the familiar old tunes that are stuck on repeat. Arm yourself with truth, grab a wise friend and face that insecurity. Then ask yourself who's voice you're listening to. Make sure it's the right one. 

Day 22: { Meet Hannah }: a different type of strong.

I sometimes think that courageous and strength are synonymous. The Russell Crowe type characters are those who come to mind- the Gladiator  who faces insurmountable odds with stoicicism and large biceps. I have trouble relating to that kind of courage. It's a great story, but it doesn't connect with my heart.

There are others who teach me the meaning of courage.

Meet Hannah. She is one of my student leaders I have the joy of working with. I'm fairly certain I learn more from her than she does from me. Hannah defines courage to me.

About 2 months ago, she sat by the bedside of her ailing mother. She stroked her frail hand and looked into the eyes that match her own. It had been years of struggle and now with each labored breath, this woman of faith tiptoed nearer to her eternal home.

No matter how long you have walked through illness, no matter how thoroughly you have prepared for the future, loss is so so hard.

Hannah ministered by whispering words of love, being a caregiver, staying awake long hours and bringing her encouraging presence to her family. Hannah ushered her mom right up to the gates of Heaven- the place where her Creator would warmly welcome her and clothe her with His righteous robes.

Hannah has showed me that courage looks vulnerable and even, at times, broken. Courage is transparent and meek. Courage has aches. Courage chooses to share grief rather than hide it. The abundance of comfort she receives from Christ flows out to bring peace to those close to her. Courage can smile even when all around is heavy clouds  with no sunshine in sight. Courage embraces loss as a way to connect more deeply. It admits when things are really really hard and isn't afraid of tears.

 

She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come

Prov. 31

 

Her kind of strong looks different. It's beautiful, gentle, meek and pure. Her heart rests content and healing. Her joy persists and nurtures me. Hannah showed me that there's a different kind of strong. Brave looks beautiful on her.

 

Day 21: Marriage. Bravery to sing a different tune.

It may seem cliche that I would write about marriage since I am so new at it. It also may seem silly that I would have such strong opinions when I have only shared life as a wife for 5 months. 

But there's something piercing my heart. To write about anything else today would not be genuine. 

{As a disclaimer, these words are not meant to point fingers or label those who have experienced failed marriages. I have not walked your journey. I know that some decisions are outside of your control. I know that there has been pain. May you know the rich grace and healing available to you in Jesus.}

I used to think that life would be so much better, so much easier after I got married. I used to think that fear would not assault me nearly as much with a strong husband by my side. 

What I've found is that fear has taken another tune. It plays in and out of my head and it shakes my security. 

The world doesn't believe in marriage. Sadly, a lot of Christians don't believe in it either. I've heard so many stories of the destruction of this relationship. I watch movies where divorce "just happens" to find its way into the lives of two people who were once so very in love. I've heard plenty of the ole "ball 'n chain" jokes from those who call themselves wiser. My head gets bombarded with the message from Hollywood saying that marriage is misguided  and naive. You can leave when you fall more in love with someone else that's more attractive or a better fit for you. Married people lose what they once had. As if there's some kind of curse on those who have said their vows. 

It makes me sad. I cried tears on my husband's flanneled shoulder last night as I shared these thoughts. 

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The way of truth is costly, isn't it? Misunderstood, frowned upon, attacked. 

And I guess I can understand. If I didn't have a faith in a God who modeled covenant faithfulness to me, why would I have gotten married? It's because of His example that I did. It's because of the beauty of sanctification; the messy, hard, difficult process of making each other more like Jesus that I did. It's because of the hope of eternity that I did. 

And I am ever so glad that I did. I am ever so glad that I DO everyday when I wake up. I am so glad that God shows up for those who model their lives after Him. He honors the covenant that we make in his sight, for His glory. 

It takes bravery to live the truth and power of marriage. Not because it is power in itself, but because of what it represents to our world. The world who scoffs at marriage and mars it with the silt of infidelity and sin. It takes bravery to recognize the value of a covenant relationship knowing that through it we are being made new and standing tall together, hand-in-hand showing the world the richness of what love is. It also takes bravery to speak highly of this relationship even in the face of those who say they share our beliefs yet look on marriage with disdain. 

Marriage takes bravery. As those who know why we're in it, it's time to be louder and braver with our message of truth. 

Day 20: Lies we believe. And a special guest.

FEAR is just a lie. 

Truly! If it sounds too simple it's probably because it is. So simple yet so deeply profound. This idea is the reason why I've subtitled this 30 day endeavor "Choosing faith, not fear". Faith: the antithesis of fear, the one truest most powerful weapon, the stuff our lives should be made up of. It compelled Peter to drop one leg out the side of that boat, it brought the thief on the cross next to Jesus straight to the doors of paradise when he awoke. Faith. This is no cheesy slogan knitted onto pillows, no warm-and-fuzzy Christiany feeling. Faith is powerful and real. It is active. It is something we fight for. 

I saw this video circulating around on social media and found it to be so simple and so challenging. Rather than fill up this post with my words trying to recreate something that's already been said, I'll let Mike share it. Got 3 minutes? It's worth a watch! Enjoy. 

Fear is Just a Lie {Mike Donehey}

Day 19: Repeat. Remember. Learn.

Ever learned something well only to turn around to have to learn it again? 

Me too. 

I can't tell you the number of times the Lord has reminded me, put words in front of me or had others tell me this message:

Do not {worry: to torment with cares, anxieties, etc.; trouble;plague.}

It was a crisp fall day. I was sitting in a borrowed vehicle in a city that was not my home. I had been a traveler, alone on the road for 2 months for work. It was a beautiful, crisp fall day. Yet all I felt was a terrifying sensation that it was only me, alone with my frenzied thoughts. I was worrying about my future again. Tears warmed my eyes. I parked in an Albertsons parking lot and tried to read my bible for comfort, but couldn't get my fretful mind to comprehend the words on the pages. 

My eyes caught something- up above, high above the city was a very very large group of birds flying. Their pace was unencumbered and smoothly peaceful. The Lord spoke the language of my heart that I did not know how to read.

 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

Matt. 6:26-27

It was then that I stared in wonder, both mouthing this promise and repenting of my unbelief. I marked this truth in my bible and walked to my next appointment, the weight a lot less burdensome on my shoulders. 

Fast forward a few days. Wandering thoughts, trying circumstance, hard conversation, and here I go doing what I know I don't need to do: worry. Fret, fret, fret, worry, worry, worry. I frantically flipped through Scripture to find some aid. A well-worn, dog-eared page quickly flipped open. Then I remembered the birds. The promise. How could I forget such a powerful experience so quickly? 

The truth is, we all have a knack for forgetting. The human nature does not recall things, especially valuable things, with ease. Fortunately for us we have a God who knows this about us. And He has mercy on us.

During the wandering times in the desert, God commanded His people to build an altar to worship or to set up stones of remembrance (Ebenezers) to commemorate a time when their God saved them. In most cases, those Ebenezers still stand today. Write it down, set up a memorial, repeat, repeat, repeat, remember. 

The phrase "Do not fear" is written in the Bible 365 times. For every day of the year the Lord provided a command not to give in to that carnal habit of fear. He did not leave room for ambiguity. He was clear about His expectations for us. He was 365 times clear. His caring heart for us knew that unless He steadily beat this truth into our minds, it would be forgotten. He did not casually suggest, He commanded with authority because He knew the destruction of fear. He knew that fear was the opposite of faith. He knew that little sheep like me would be ineffective if fear was in the driver's seat. Repeat, repeat, repeat, remember. 

So I keep learning. Sometimes I still forget. Aren't you so thankful for the Creator who patiently holds our hand, speaking once again those well-worn words that call us into freedom?  

Day 18: Loving the courageous way.

Loving is hard. 

I'm talking the stick-with-it, messy, difficult-to-balance kind of love.

No, this is not another post about marriage, surprisingly. 

Lately as I watch the news, read opinionated Facebook posts and circulating blogs, I am shocked over and over again with this thought: the world knows nothing about love. 

Society says to love is to tolerate. To accept. To applaud anyone with an opinion because it's what works for them. To never offend. In this type of love, everyone is the ultimate authority on what is right and wrong. Which means- is there really a wrong anymore? Being "judged" is now just equal to disagreeing with someone; how many times do you hear 

"don't judge me!"? 

And so around we all spin, basing our lives and dreams on a foundation that we ourselves built with relativity. A foundation that shifts and changes with feelings as the ultimate guide. 

I see this as quite an issue for the church. Society's voice is loud in saying "Accept me! Tolerate my life decisions!" Some churches, afraid to lose people, embrace tolerance letting their understanding of love shift to match the majority. "All are welcome here", they proclaim. Yet they shy away from the labeling and confronting of sinful behavior. Other churches swing to the other end of the pendulum by loudly (and sometimes abrasively) laying down the law, communicating the message that those who attend must be sin-free. A class system is created to distinguish the clean-cut churched from the unkept unchurched. 

Both are so devastatingly wrong because they fall so devastatingly short. The result? Damaged humans. Either puffed up with a false sense of confidence due to lack of accountability, or wounded from the insensitivity of those who say they worship God. 

Neither of these are the love I see flowing from Love Himself. The creator. 

I see a gracious, dusty-footed teacher who interacted with a promiscuous woman at the well. He treated her with dignity by looking at her in the eyes as he spoke, for she was one of a people group Jews did not associate with. Yet he named her sin. And He loved her well. 

I see a humble Rabbi, sought out by a young, rich man. Eager to understand eternal life, he asked questions. Then Jesus spoke the truth without shame. It was not an easy answer. And He loved him well. 

Love Himself modeled a love that is both perfectly truthful and perfectly gracious. Love without either TRUTH or GRACE is not truly love. Our earthly rendition usually only includes one or the other. 

Loving is hard. It's so not how we do things naturally. It's inclusive AND it's exclusive. It's built on the foundation of God's Word AND it's gentle and kind. Love means sharing life, welcoming sinners, treating people with dignity. It means saying "come as you are" but caring SO deeply that you desire and pursue transformation of the heart so that they can't stay as they are. When Jesus interacted with someone, the result was always transformation. He listened, respected, addressed sin and loved deep enough to propel them forward toward sanctification. 

Love doesn't always tolerate or agree, contrary to popular opinion. It means holding the soul  of a person close while speaking hard truths. It means accepting yet not tolerating habitual sinful living. 

Loving is hard. 

Loving takes courage. Let's be a generation of courageous (truth + grace) love. 

Day 17: It takes bravery to ask for help.

This post has me feeling a bit nervous. I feel a bit nervous because I know what the Lord has pressed in on me to share, but I know that it may not be completely popular or agreed with. (As a pleaser this is frightening to me! But I'm practicing brave, right??) These words do not come from a spiteful place. These words do not come from a jaded heart looking for controversy. These words come from a heart that is grieved by an injustice that I believe is plaguing Christ-followers. So here it goes...

Depression. Anxiety. Their greasy, poisonous, suffocating existence steals joy and forces isolation. Did you know that anxiety disorders affect 40 million Americans over the age of 18? Depression is the leading cause of disability for ages 15-44*. Those who have struggled often feel trapped, and down they spiral into a pit that feels overwhelmingly deep. Sometimes these conditions exist for a season following a major life change. Sometimes they have simply always been present. The origin varies, but that's not the point. 

The point is- they DO exist. Depression is real. Anxiety is a thing. They are deep, they are complicated. They are not imagined. 

Trust me, I know.  

I've wrestled with Generalized Anxiety for most of my adult life. Here's the thing about anxiety- it comes in waves. Some days it's overwhelming. Some days it's manageable, though always always there. I call it my little black rain cloud, hovering overhead waiting for something to land on. I often feel like I'm playing "whack a mole", running around trying to bop my little worries on the head to make them disappear. And some days, it's just too hard to keep up. Friend, if this sounds familiar, take heart. You are more than a conqueror. 

Many well-meaning church goers advised that it was all spiritual. That I should exercise greater spiritual disciplines to manage anxiety. So pray I did. Read my bible, met with a mentor, and memorized scripture. I fought and I fought hard. These were all beneficial and eternally worthwhile. But try as I might, that unwelcome friend, that pesky joy-stealing thief would not leave. I can't blame them for their advice. Those who have not walked this road seem to have a very easy solution. Those who have walked this road know that it is so much more messy than that.

I don't have an answer for how to solve the problem of depression and anxiety. But I do know it exists. Even to people who love Jesus (gasp!). Here's what I've learned in my journey to health:

1. Counseling is a very GOOD idea. Not psycho-babble, Freud-loving, Zen-like counseling but Biblically-based counseling. Someone with whom to share the soul by speaking a similar heart dialect. Someone to pray, seek Scripture and face hard truths with. Call me crazy (no pun intended) but I think every person needs some good counseling for at least one season of life. It takes bravery to ask for help.

2. There is strength in numbers. We are all pilgrims on a journey to our heavenly home. Strength grows when we share our story. We offer strength to other pilgrims. They share too and we grab hands and continue moving together.  Anxiety & depression thrive in isolation but it's worth the hard work to invest in friendships. Oh, the joy that is shared when the burden is shared.

3. Over-spiritualization is very damaging. What truly saddens me is that Christians are the worst at asking for help. Christians (not all but many) respond to anxiety and depression with trite pep talks and try-harder messages. Often there is a stigma, draping shame and guilt over top of the child-like faith response to seek help. Oftentimes these well-meaning, though wrong, sentiments are offered in the name of our Savior. I feel like the heart of God grieves when his people speak out-of-place words on His behalf. Sometimes these disorders are the result of trauma or unresolved conflict. If that is the case, grab that helping hand and prayerfully dig down deep to find it. Other times, these disorders are a predisposition or a genuine physical imbalance. If that is the case and a physician recommends medication, faith takes a new form. A prayerful yes could be a great leap of faith. For many, medication helps restore the healthy self once again. This should never be a knee-jerk response to psychological stress, though it is a valid, non-shameful stepping stone to healing. (This was a very radical and very freeing realization!) 

It's time to look at these things differently. It's time to applaud those who stand up, admit a need, admit a hurt or habit and reach their hand out toward professional healing. No more spiritually-muscling our way through a disorder. That is just about as effective as using positive self-talk to rid the body of a sore throat. It's time to utilize the God-given tools available to help get un-stuck. It's time for the church to praise and advocate for christian counseling. It's time to roll up our sleeves, do some hard soul-searching work, and do the brave thing. 

So back to my story. Anxiety is still a struggle. Maybe it always will be until I get to Heaven. However, I have grown and accumulated effective tools to manage it. Even more importantly, my little box of understanding of these disorders has expanded. My empathy has expanded. It is no longer a stronghold due to the grace of God, faithful counseling and my decision to actually deal with it. 

It's time to call it what it is and ask for help. It's not for the faint of heart. But it's worth it. 

*Anxiety & Depression Association of America

Day 16: Brave enough to believe who He says I am.

We walked around a room filled with pictures. Pictures of scenes, people, places and objects. The assignment: to identify a picture that best represents who you believe God's called you to be. Eyes searching, heart prayerfully inquiring, my vision centered on a painting. I smiled. The identity bestowed on my heart that I was unable to put into words was discovered in this painting. 

Brave. It's the reason I've started this 30 day writing adventure {30 days of Brave}. Down deep, when I quiet my soul and practice stillness, I have heard His voice speaking my calling into existence. 

What is calling? Sometimes we complicate things. We wait for a neon sign or writing in the sky to reveal Heaven's master plan for our lives. In the meantime we sit. We passively wait. We miss sacred moments. I think calling is beautifully complex yet uncomplicated. It teams up with the command to make disciples, unlocking bold and powerful effectiveness in the Kingdom. 

I am called to lead; to inspire and influence by being a teacher and an encourager. I know this because of the way that these things bring my heart to life. I know this because of the wisdom of wiser, older souls who've spoke meaning into risks and experiences. And yet...nothing scares me more. 

There is a maze of insecurity to wander through on my journey to follow a calling. What if I misstep? How do I lead as a woman? What if others misunderstand? And I shrink, smaller, safer, quieter. Sometimes who He says I am doesn't fit into my neat, tidy box of how I think things should be. 

I take these questions to my Maker. Like this picture, He raises my chin and raises my fist in the air, commanding me to bravely be who He who He says I am. My heart still pounds, hands still shake, but I've discovered something comforting. You can grow into calling. The Giver bestows identity, breathes encouragement, and with time I can become who He says I am. I am a work in progress. I am  unfinished. I am already but not yet that woman who leads with grace and boldness. 

All it takes is time and a whole lot of brave.