Day 30: The fear I will never apologize for.

Day 30! It's here! 

Now, originally this series was intended to be a consecutive 30 days. However, mine did not turn out that way. I'm not going to use the excuse that my life was busy because everyone is busy in their own way (even though it's sort of true *wink*). But I realized that in order to make each day quality writing, words that were worth reading, I needed to slow down, take a deep breath and write when I could contribute something meaningful. The result? Hopefully words worth reading. Not just a task crossed off my daily to do list. And at last (70+ days after I started day 1), I've reached the end. 

Honestly, I'm just grateful I finished. This has been a new & challenging journey for me. It's one I'm so glad I said yes to. I pray that these words have challenged, inspired, encouraged or pushed you nearer to the presence of our Lord Jesus. Thanks for being on this journey with me, friends. 

Day 29: Bold enough to enter the throne room.

Remember when you were a small child and you needed something? Or remember when you even just wanted something badly? What would you do?

Ask. Okay, sometimes beg unbecomingly. But your request was clear, right? 

Maybe that request was heard, but not always granted. Or sometimes it was. Sometimes it was granted with gladness, bringing happiness to your heart. 

But somewhere along the way it became embarrassing to ask. Something crept up into the grownup psyche, something masked as polite. Pride? Self-consciousness? Probably because you were told not to beg. Begging is bad behavior. But what about asking? 

I believe this has completely messed with our prayer life. We come, tiptoe'ing, eyes closed for fear of the response. We open our shaking lips to whisper a prayer that is mostly composed of unclear mumblings, a fearful attempt at humbleness. We say amen, realizing that what we just said didn't even make sense. We were so afraid of over-asking, of begging like a child that we forgot to even ask at all. When did asking become something to be embarrassed by? When did this open relationship became hindered by such unclear words and shakiness? 

For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

{ Hebrews 4:15-16 }

The One who delivers- the perfect high priest who strives on our behalf so that we may have relationship with God offers Himself freely. The doors of the throne room are open wide, a warm invitation is extended from the One who lived this life, suffered this life. He gets it. He pleads for us to enter, assuring us that there is nothing too shocking or too messy for Him. He bids us to come in, asks to take our coat, His warm presence encouraging us to ask. To ask with confidence! He has the means to offer grace and meet those deepest needs. Why not ask? Asking does 2 things:

1. It builds trust. Asking opens the lines of communication. Whether or not the request is granted right now, later or not at all, asking states a need and learns the heart of the One on the throne. 

2. It builds faith. Faith is bold and risky. It doesn't come with a safety guarantee, it may lead to disappointment. But faith is the language of man to God, the language that points to deep and wholehearted belief in Jesus. Life lived in faith doesn't mean easy, it means fulfilling. Nothing moves the heart of God more than a wholehearted statement of belief that He is who He says He is and rewards those who seek Him. In fact, you cannot please Him without this kind of faith (Hebrews 11). 

This kind of asking may mean that we need to face some insecurity, some fear that we will be too needy. What is a loving relationship without honest dialogue? Without courageous asking? There is nothing to lose. Perhaps we are afraid of His answer? Friend, there is no guarantee of the answer you desire. 

But what happens when you enter into this throne room, you find a Father brimming with grace and goodness. You may even find that what you came to ask for wasn't what you really should be asking for. Once you open your eyes to see Him, really see him, you see that maybe you were settling. It's time to ask bigger, for now you know that He is able. May you be wide-eyed and expectant as you enter the throne room of grace. May you fight the fear that keeps you from asking and truly see the heart of your King this season. 

Day 28: Two words that indicate bold letting go.

There are 2 words, 2 very difficult words that indicate bold letting go. 

They are powerful words. Words that can untangle some of the messiest, wildest tangled up knots. Words that can release one from the captivity of guilt and be the catalyst of healing. Words that are some of the hardest syllabus to utter. Fear doesn't like these words. 

{ I'm sorry. }

And here's why fear doesn't like them. 

1. It's vulnerable. It's open. It's risky. Fear says to keep yourself safe and protected and walled up so you won't get hurt. Fear says to let someone else take the first step. 

2. These words admit fault. Saying them indicates that you claim responsibility. Fear says to pretend you know what you're doing- to pass blame on another when something goes awry. 

3. Not everyone will appreciate the bravery of these words. They are not guaranteed to be followed with forgiveness. They may be perceived as weak. 

4. They must be said with sincerity. Fear doesn't value genuine or heartfelt. Fear keeps things light, on the surface. 

Saying "I'm sorry" is truly powerful when it's offered with a sincere and repentant heart. It's transformative because of how it takes initiative without assurance of how the other person will receive it. It's easier to be stubborn. It feels better to be stubborn. These are some of the least offered words because they are just plain hard. Saying "I'm sorry" means swallowing the urge to explain or defend oneself. It's simple, it's raw, it's honest. It lets go of the need to see immediate justice because it waits hopefully on the One who will one day make all things right. 

These 2 words diffuse anger. They take the 1st step to start a trajectory toward restoration. They indicate a bold letting go of the need to prove and defend self. They indicate bold maturity. Bold contentedness with self and bold leaning on the One who ultimately restores. 

When was the last time you exhibited this kind of bold? 

Day 27: When you aren't sure which way is brave.

There comes a time when you know you need to do the brave thing. You want to do the brave thing. But you aren't quite sure which way is more brave. 

Typically this occurs at a crossroads, a point of decision. 

I don't know about you but I sure don't like decision making. Especially when it touches the things I value, the things that are close to my heart. I'm learning not to let decisions paralyze me but it is a daily, arduous process. 

A few years ago I was at a crossroads. I had 2 very good job options presented to me. Both good dream jobs. Both very unique and had the potential to take me down very opposite paths.

Decisions are hard. Decisions with 2 very good options are even harder. I looked long and hard at both options, my analytical brain buzzing and worrying about the what it's. Both were good, maybe even great options. I prayed and heard nothing. I waited but felt indifferent. I was terrified of choosing wrongly. I was terrified of missing the best. 

I shared my predicament with a close friend. Knowing my heart and my habit of fear, she chose wise words. 

Which one takes more faith??

There wasn't an easy answer. To uncover it required a time of stillness, listening and reflecting. 

I then reached a point where a decision needed to be made. I did not have a Divine epiphany or magical moment where I just knew. I just picked the one that required the most faith. And you know what? That same day I received a phone call informing me that the job I was most interested in was no longer available. I was shocked, I was confused, but I had an answer. I just got to it in a way that made it irrefutable. I took the other job with complete confirmation and peace. It was absolutely the right decision for me, as it opened the door for me to shepherd the students I share life with now. 

Sometimes answers come as a response to a step taken in faith, before you know. Brave doesn't have the luxury of waiting until clarity comes. Brave looks for the direction requiring more faith because it knows that there's no other way to live. The brave way, the way of faith is what pleases the Father. The brave way, the way of faith yields a life well-lived. An eternally significant life. When you aren't sure which way is brave, choose the way that takes more faith.