I watched her hair bob as she excitedly shared her plans. The exuberant, confident 30 something spoke of her dreams and I put on my best listening face. Her husband was her biggest fan. She talked about her research, her ambitions, her story. I too started to believe that she was capable of attaining her most grandiose desires and nodded excitedly with her. Until...
That ugly feeling entered the scene.
That unintentional sinking feeling when you realize that someone else shares your dream. And they may be better at it than you.
My enthusiasm dampened, withdrawing to coddle my very puny looking idea in the shadow of her grand ambition. The ambition which I too had dreamed, aspired, hoped, prayed for. My usually encouraging self pulled back, unable to speak empowering words. Insignificance held my tongue.
I reflected on the drive home.
Why do I get all small when I hear of a pursuit that looks like mine?
This plagued me most of the way down I5 South.
So I started to nitpick my little baby steps that I'd already taken. I questioned my usefulness, even the validity of my big dream. Maybe it's just too big for small me.
Ever felt this way?
What is that feeling called, exactly?
Comparison.
That sticky, poky, nosey little creature that slithers in to evoke insecurity. Its shifting eyes look back and forth between you and others, pointing out dutifully every little way that others are just better. Skinnier. Smarter. Funnier. Just better than little you. And you shrink down, down, down and up go walls to protect the insignificant you. The small you.
I am convinced that nothing threatens to shake my identity and calling more than comparison. The weird thing about it is that comparison shows me the bravest, most beautiful, seemingly flawless snapshots of others. Not the times they mess up, have a bad hair day, cry really hard or get impatient. How in the world can everything I know about myself EVER match the flawless snapshots I see?
I'm thinking that this enthusiastic 30 something probably questioned her dream too. Maybe it even happened yesterday. Maybe there is someone she feels small next to.
When I consider all of this and, setting comparison aside, let the Lord inform my perceptions, the dream He's given me reappears. I dust it back off and take a look. Its bright colors fill my imagination, giving me hope. If I keep my eyes off of others and lock my gaze on the Giver of all good gifts, I remember my divine usefulness. I won't do it like she does. To do so would mean forfeiting my uniqueness.
I think I'd rather pursue my big dream in a way that only I can. And that's more than enough.
A very honest description. Thank you for putting into words the feelings that we all experience. I stopped perusing photography, put down my crochet hook, became more self conscious about singing in front of others, and ceased using sign language when i worship because of comparison. Something you once felt confident or accomplished in now feels insignificant. One way someone put it is, "of course the grass is greener on the other side. It's astroturph."
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