Advocates for Dignity- Seeing what is already there

Life has a way of presenting one with multiple opportunities to interact with people; Passing words uttered amongst beings stuck within an orbit of busy circling. Each one has their own full agenda and the to do list is the dictator. Faces in correspondence, but do they see the eyes of the one to whom they speak? Do they see the ache to be seen? To be known?

This is something I am learning to be better at- stop, see, engage, and give dignity to people. My sweet husband is very gifted in this area. He has a way of understanding the marginalized, a soft spot for the overlooked.

(photo credit to the husband~ Kenneth J. Watson, Thailand 2008)

The gas station is not just a place to refuel; it’s a place to meaningfully engage that man asking, “regular fill?” That veteran on the side of the road, cardboard in his hands, begging for work is not just homeless, he’s searching for belonging. Our window rolls down and my husband’s hand extends, reaching to give the veteran just what he’s looking for. No money to share, but “just saying hi is enough”, he says with hope in his eyes. The Mexican man pouring my coffee at our honeymoon breakfast is not just a resort employee; it’s a man who is working 12 hours a day to provide for wife and child. Our tip is not just extra, it’s indispensable. I watch the two, my new husband and this hard working man. Broken Spanish and smiles build a bridge between two cultures. Kindness is simple but profound and forges friendship.

I wonder how society would be shaped, how culture could shift if we paused and truly saw people; if we asked questions to know their stories. If we distributed kindness freely without consideration of what we would receive in return. It turns out that all it takes to break out of the dizzying orbit of egocentricity is to stop and see. Look into those eyes, even if just for a second. Look for that longing, that very human longing that you recognize because it’s what you see in yourself: the longing for dignity. Each interaction, however small, is an opportunity to give dignity. Not to assign dignity, for it was already assigned by the Creator, but to dust it off and call it out. Remind that soul that it’s there, you see it. It doesn’t need to be a long philosophical conversation. It starts with mindfulness and is carried out with a humble view of oneself in the sight of God. Aren’t we all just hearts hunting for worth? It’s His generous dispensation of acceptance that compels us to engage people. It starts with us. It starts with we who claim to study and know the way of Jesus. If not us, then who? I’d like to start a new way. To choose an eternal perspective, to purposefully interact in such a way that gives people the gift of dignity.

Want to join me?

Tips from a Recovering People Pleaser

Chances are, if you were drawn to read this because of the title, we are kindred spirits. 

Do you ever lay awake and replay a scenario on repeat, wondering what that person could think of you now after what you said? Do you worry (a lot) when someone is or could be upset with you? Have difficulty making decisions (even small ones) without consulting an entourage? Do you feel guilty when you say no? 

Me too. Or at least I did. But I'm finding that living to please people never did anything good for me. It has never made me a better friend, sister, daughter or servant of Christ. So it's time to remove the alias that people pleasing hides behind, name it, and start prying it's little controlling talons off of my identity. 

Are you with me?

There are so many possible origins of people pleasing- hurt from the past, family habit, insecurity or simply the desire to be liked. Sometimes it's helpful to look back and pinpoint where it all started. 
*Insert small, shameless plug for solid, Biblical, professional counseling. Seriously, we could all benefit from it at least one season of our lives. But that's a whole separate post that I won't go into today.*
Finding the "when" is a helpful piece to the mosaic of change. 

Now find the "why". Why is it that I shrivel up and withdraw when I sense that I don't have all of the approval I need? The desire to please people in itself is not wrong! In fact, people pleasers are often some of the most intuitive individuals who tend to be highly invested in their relationships. It's when this desire morphs into a larger beast, fed by good intentions and ignorance. My guess is that the "why" is that approval has suction cupped itself to identity. Significance is now only found in affirmation, and when the well of affirmation runs dry, significance dwindles. My friends, if you share the faith in Christ that I do you know your worth and value have been established once and for all for you, right? A worth that will never tarnish or fade away. And it has nothing to do with the work you did. So why are we striving so hard? 

Now to the"how". How is the undo'ing of people pleasing. I am still in the "how" and I invite you into my journey. What I have found is that approval addicts need fuel. And like all fuel, you get to choose which kind to fill up with. Fuel that's most readily available is the kind that also feeds insecurity, fear and worry. It's the kind that tells you to agree with popular opinion, to walk in the chains of indecision. Choose this fuel and the people pleaser in you will eat its fill and grow. The good fuel, the hearty kind that takes work, is the fuel of truth. 

Truth is the most powerful weapon in our fight for identity. 

The best place to find truth (not the 'whatever feels right' truth, but the ancient, transformative truth) can always be found in Scripture. Here are some truth to fuel our recovery:

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

You'll know that you are living to please others when you experience a lot of guilt, both self-induced and others-induced. Remember, God's kindness leads us to repentance. And Godly sorrow leads to repentance. NOT an overall heaviness whispering insignificance. Simply the presence of guilt does not always indicate the presence of sin. Ask yourself what it really is that you are feeling- what's the root? And the "why"- what sensitive part of my identity is this hitting and why is it affecting me this way? This may be a case of approval addiction.

So. Are you still with me? There's a lot here and the undo'ing is quite a bit of work. Is it worth the struggle? I 100% believe so. Yes. And here's why:
People pleasers forsake freedom. Freedom to make decisions, live with peace, and bask in the complete acceptance Christ offers. Recovering people pleasers start to unlock those chains. They say no and yes without apology. They make wise and confident decisions. They understand the the difference between needing to apologize and needing to let go. They identify unhealthy self-expectations and embrace their unique, God-given personality. They open up and say yes to peace. Most importantly, they loosen the grip people pleasing once had on identity. They are freed to give, receive, and love the way they were designed to. 

I want this. And I'm pretty certain you do too. Let's keep recovering together.