Day 26: Choosing different. Fighting the fear of generational sin.

Life seems to happen in cycles. 

Sin seems to happen in cycles. 

That's precisely what scares me. 

The further into my adult life I go and the more I hear peoples' stories I find that every family has its broken pieces. Every family has its skeletons in the closet. We tend to look at the outside layer of families, the neat and tidy layer that seems to look even prettier on Facebook, and compare it to everything we know about our own. We get sad. Discontent. Comparison saps us of our perspective. It saps us of our joy. 

But dig down deeper, beyond the Facebook exterior. Spend a week in that household, maybe even just a day and you'll find something in that family that closely resembles your own. That secret sin, that shameful addiction, that unresolved hurt from years ago. We all do our best to slap on a happy, loving face and live in spite of it, though the aftershock of sin comes in waves and each family member feels it in his or her own way. Some families fight, each carefully protecting themselves as they shoot fiery arrows with words aimed at each other. Then isolation, silence, estrangement. Some families avoid, terrified of naming the hurt. Consequences and distrust follow along with a fake smile and tight grip on comfort. 

There's this idea out there that is paralyzing. This idea that sin will come back to bite you and your future family. That your children will be destined to follow the path of sin their forefathers lived. That if you were a victim you are destined to victimize. It's the what-goes-around-comes-around mentality. 

I get the idea of consequences. It's biblical, it's reasonable. Sins ripples go wider and further than just the one who committed the sin.

But where do restoration and redemption fit?? 

Each person comes from a broken family. Even church going families with a mom and a dad can be broken. Even families that love each other. It's the response to brokenness that determines healing and holiness. 

When unresolved, unhealed, and shamefully hidden,these broken pieces fester and grow. They grow, infected and swollen and painful. And these broken pieces become the weapon with which to harm others. Unfortunately this is the most common response we see to brokenness. This is the kind of brokenness that is used to fuel the fear of generational sin.

What if we took those broken pieces and submitted them over to the hands of our Father? What if we admitted our brokenness, walked into the wound rather than away from it, and asked for healing? The Almighty Creator is the only One who can make ugly beautiful again. He is the only One who can re-create. What is placed in His hands is never wasted. This is the response- the beautiful, repentant response that blesses God's heart. This is the response He longs for. 

I am choosing different. I am a daughter/sister/granddaughter of a loving (yet broken) family. Aren't we all? I don't believe in the destiny of generational sin because I know the living, active, loving Healer. I give him my broken pieces and in exchange I find restoration. Sometimes it's painful. Yet with Him, scars are transformed to evidences of grace. Aches are becoming stories of redemption. 

For myself and my family, I am choosing different. 

Day 25: It takes bravery to stand against church consumerism.

Oh, what good consumers we are. 

We research, weigh the pros and cons, check reviews, try before we buy and analyze, analyze, analyze.

How does this suit MY needs?? 

If the potential purchase is a precious gem or a plasma television or a home, this makes sense. It's even wise. 

BUT. It saddens me that this same consumeristic mindset is used by believers when choosing a church. 

Is the pastor funny? Does he preach exegetically? From the ESV? Will it meet me where I'm at spiritually? Is the music professional quality? Is the sound not too loud, not too soft? Are there enough hymns? No hymns? Is this church relevant? Will it have everything to meet mine and my family's needs? Does the youth pastor wear hip designer jeans? Do we receive a friendly smile and greeting from everyone on the first day we visit? Gee, I sure hope they aren't one of those "seeker friendly" churches. 

The desire to get a good buy, to get the most of your money is not a bad thing. But we cannot bring this same process into our journey of finding a body of believers to grow with. Though finding a church is a big decision, it is not AT ALL the same as purchasing your first home or your dream TV. 

There are a few things to remember when deciding on a church home. Or deciding whether or not to stick with yours. 

1. Church is an earthly representation of a perfect union. Therefore, your church will be imperfect. It is a gathering of spirit-filled believers who bear the stains and scars of sin. The people next to you in the pew will disappoint and hurt you sometimes. Even the pastor (gasp!) will offend you occasionally. Why? Because the church was never meant to meet all of your deepest relational needs. We are all on this bumpy journey to becoming Christ-like. We are both already and not yet like Christ. This journey takes forgiveness. It takes grace. Lower your unhealthy expectations that you project onto the leadership and people of the church. 

2. If you are willing, restoration can be found. Like most meaningful (and eternal) relationships, brokenness happens. We know this, but it always seems to catch us off guard for some reason. The easy response is to walk away, disillusioned and burnt out. But it takes bravery to stay put, ask questions to gain understanding, then shut up and listen. You can choose to stick with what you committed to, even though it has let you down, and restoration is possible. BUT, it will be hard. Expect it. Roll up your sleeves, pray hard and fight for restoration. It's worth it. Do the brave thing. 

3. Know what the essentials are. There are absolutes in God's Word. Absolutes that define the pillars of our faith. Absolutes that have never and will never change about God's character and His design for us. However, there are things that have not been implicitly stated that we have grafted into our church code of conduct. Sometimes no one is sure how it got there. Maybe tradition, maybe just bad exegesis. These are what I'm going to call the non-essentials. These are the non salvation-oriented things that the church is really good at wounding people with. Also, these are the things that many leave churches for. These need to be moved from the "must have" category to the "luxury" category. The imperfect, God-designed beauty of the church is that it is comprised of different types of Christians. All different shapes, sizes, colors and opinions on these non-essentials. We need them all. Remove the diversity and we become a cult. Make sure if you are considering a church or considering leaving a church, you've prayerfully sorted out if you're caught up on an essential or a non-essential. 

"In the essentials unity, in the nonessentials liberty". 

Augustine

4. The church does not exist to meet your needs. Yes, come hungry. You will be fed. Yes, come weary and you will find strength. However, these are both things found in your relationship with a living God. They are offered to you daily, hourly. A church gathering is not the only place to be filled. It is an extension of your personal daily worship, just paired with fellowship and public expression. True growth happens in AND outside of church walls.  The church represents a perfect union between Christ and His bride to a dying world. How can we represent such a union when we are busy turning up our noses and getting our panties in a bunch over things that don't suit our fancy? 

5. Be the change you want to see. Want more of something in your church? See a need for change? Have you ever considered that you might be the solution? Don't get irritated about a lack, sit and wait for change or leave because of it. Talk to your pastors, ask questions to understand why, then ask yourself how you can be a part of the change. 

There is no exact prescription for finding the perfect church fit. There are also exceptions. The point is, church consumerism is an unhealthy pattern. The funny thing about patterns is- they repeat. No matter the church. 

Pick a church in your community. Know the essentials. Plant your roots. Commit to growing and sharing life alongside imperfect people. Commit to being Jesus in your community. It might hurt, it might be hard. But why does it matter? It's not/never been about you. Let's drop the consumeristic mentality. 

Day 24: what the Hunger Games teaches me about fear.

The Hunger Games series has me totally inspired. Talk about a story with fear in it. This story is basically founded on fear. Today I saw Mockingjay, the 3rd of 4. Now I won't give a spoiler and I don't claim to be a movie critic. I am very intrigued, however, at the subtle and overt messages the Hunger Games teaches me about fear. 

Fear and manipulation are very closely linked. Not every type of fear, but the fear I've addressed in previous posts. The kind of fear that suffocates. The kind of fear that thrives in the uncertain, the irrational. The capitol built a system on the very basis of this type of fear- a rat race for power and privilege. By using this kind of fear, they shove people into rigid categories with specific regulations about work and conduct. For years, these categories of people operate inside of a paradigm that many have accepted as normal, unquestioningly. What keeps them there? Manipulation. The assumed belief that as lesser people they cannot amount to more. What's the tool used to accomplish that manipulation? Fear. Tactics that inject panic and brainwash. Fear is powerful and merges effectively with manipulation. 

Fear is the hardest habit to unlearn. Fear runs deep. It goes beyond a feeling or response. It becomes innate and engrained. It can commandeer identity, altering the very fabric of the human character. Once locked behind its iron gates, it becomes hard to imagine life outside. It is destructive. It is the hardest habit to unlearn. Unlearning it takes time, sweat, roll-up-your-sleeves work. Unlearning it takes healing. 

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Surprisingly enough the villain is the one who offers these words. Though fear is the hardest to unlearn, it is not impossible. It can only be conquered by a source larger than self, larger than factors that trigger it. People long for a symbol of hope, a symbol pointing to a coming redemption. Those under the oppression of the capitol are inspired to rise up and fight when the Mockingjay is in their midst. It's not the symbol itself or Katniss's story that inspires, but what that symbol represents. A symbol of hope compels people to fight and to fight to the death for a cause that is bigger than themselves. Fear rules when there is no greater cause. Hope, tethered to a symbol of the good that is to come is the only way to unlock the tyranny of fear. Not surprisingly, it seems that every good story points to this symbol of hope. This longing for a coming redemption seems to be woven into the tapestry of the human DNA. This longing is the one breathed into us and fulfilled by the symbol of hope we receive in Christ, the once-for-all hero of all sin.  

Day 23: bold enough to face insecurity.

Pssssst.... I have a secret. 

It feels really raw to put it into words. 

I am designed to be an encourager and minister. I am a people person. In this season, I am called to work with college people. I love this vulnerable, hard, deep and meaningful time in a person's life. I get the privilege of coming alongside to enter into the messy questions and insecurity. I also get the privilege of having a front row seat to growth as roots move deeper and fruit is in abundance. 

But here's the raw part. Some days I feel very helpful and wise. Other days I feel more insecure than ever. With trepidation, I tuned into the dialogue in my head. 

Not good enough. 
Not organized enough. 
Not as good as (so-and-so).
Not smart enough.
Just mediocre. 
Disappointing. 

And I wilt. And withdraw. 

Today was one of those days where I had to purposefully strain to hear above the droning on of that familiar dialogue. I squinted to read the lips of those who'd speak to me, fighting the monotone noise in my head. And on I trudged throughout this Monday, feeling like the victim. 

Along came a not-so-coincidental wise man, a coworker of mine. His engaging smile told me that he was interested in having a philosophical chat...not exactly what I was looking for. In the midst of that conversation, my ears received words and my heart beat fast. You know that feeling when you know that the Lord's pressing something important into your soul? He said,

Be careful of the voices you hear about yourself. Which one of them is Jesus? His is very rarely one of judgment and distaste.

I don't even remember the context. I just knew those words were predestined for my heart. Insecurity is a smorgasbord of half truths. Insecurity's intent is to paralyze and make you small. Bravery cuts through that reminding you that you are not a victim. Face that insecurity. Listen for the familiar old tunes that are stuck on repeat. Arm yourself with truth, grab a wise friend and face that insecurity. Then ask yourself who's voice you're listening to. Make sure it's the right one. 

Day 22: { Meet Hannah }: a different type of strong.

I sometimes think that courageous and strength are synonymous. The Russell Crowe type characters are those who come to mind- the Gladiator  who faces insurmountable odds with stoicicism and large biceps. I have trouble relating to that kind of courage. It's a great story, but it doesn't connect with my heart.

There are others who teach me the meaning of courage.

Meet Hannah. She is one of my student leaders I have the joy of working with. I'm fairly certain I learn more from her than she does from me. Hannah defines courage to me.

About 2 months ago, she sat by the bedside of her ailing mother. She stroked her frail hand and looked into the eyes that match her own. It had been years of struggle and now with each labored breath, this woman of faith tiptoed nearer to her eternal home.

No matter how long you have walked through illness, no matter how thoroughly you have prepared for the future, loss is so so hard.

Hannah ministered by whispering words of love, being a caregiver, staying awake long hours and bringing her encouraging presence to her family. Hannah ushered her mom right up to the gates of Heaven- the place where her Creator would warmly welcome her and clothe her with His righteous robes.

Hannah has showed me that courage looks vulnerable and even, at times, broken. Courage is transparent and meek. Courage has aches. Courage chooses to share grief rather than hide it. The abundance of comfort she receives from Christ flows out to bring peace to those close to her. Courage can smile even when all around is heavy clouds  with no sunshine in sight. Courage embraces loss as a way to connect more deeply. It admits when things are really really hard and isn't afraid of tears.

 

She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come

Prov. 31

 

Her kind of strong looks different. It's beautiful, gentle, meek and pure. Her heart rests content and healing. Her joy persists and nurtures me. Hannah showed me that there's a different kind of strong. Brave looks beautiful on her.

 

Day 21: Marriage. Bravery to sing a different tune.

It may seem cliche that I would write about marriage since I am so new at it. It also may seem silly that I would have such strong opinions when I have only shared life as a wife for 5 months. 

But there's something piercing my heart. To write about anything else today would not be genuine. 

{As a disclaimer, these words are not meant to point fingers or label those who have experienced failed marriages. I have not walked your journey. I know that some decisions are outside of your control. I know that there has been pain. May you know the rich grace and healing available to you in Jesus.}

I used to think that life would be so much better, so much easier after I got married. I used to think that fear would not assault me nearly as much with a strong husband by my side. 

What I've found is that fear has taken another tune. It plays in and out of my head and it shakes my security. 

The world doesn't believe in marriage. Sadly, a lot of Christians don't believe in it either. I've heard so many stories of the destruction of this relationship. I watch movies where divorce "just happens" to find its way into the lives of two people who were once so very in love. I've heard plenty of the ole "ball 'n chain" jokes from those who call themselves wiser. My head gets bombarded with the message from Hollywood saying that marriage is misguided  and naive. You can leave when you fall more in love with someone else that's more attractive or a better fit for you. Married people lose what they once had. As if there's some kind of curse on those who have said their vows. 

It makes me sad. I cried tears on my husband's flanneled shoulder last night as I shared these thoughts. 

But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. The way of truth is costly, isn't it? Misunderstood, frowned upon, attacked. 

And I guess I can understand. If I didn't have a faith in a God who modeled covenant faithfulness to me, why would I have gotten married? It's because of His example that I did. It's because of the beauty of sanctification; the messy, hard, difficult process of making each other more like Jesus that I did. It's because of the hope of eternity that I did. 

And I am ever so glad that I did. I am ever so glad that I DO everyday when I wake up. I am so glad that God shows up for those who model their lives after Him. He honors the covenant that we make in his sight, for His glory. 

It takes bravery to live the truth and power of marriage. Not because it is power in itself, but because of what it represents to our world. The world who scoffs at marriage and mars it with the silt of infidelity and sin. It takes bravery to recognize the value of a covenant relationship knowing that through it we are being made new and standing tall together, hand-in-hand showing the world the richness of what love is. It also takes bravery to speak highly of this relationship even in the face of those who say they share our beliefs yet look on marriage with disdain. 

Marriage takes bravery. As those who know why we're in it, it's time to be louder and braver with our message of truth. 

Day 20: Lies we believe. And a special guest.

FEAR is just a lie. 

Truly! If it sounds too simple it's probably because it is. So simple yet so deeply profound. This idea is the reason why I've subtitled this 30 day endeavor "Choosing faith, not fear". Faith: the antithesis of fear, the one truest most powerful weapon, the stuff our lives should be made up of. It compelled Peter to drop one leg out the side of that boat, it brought the thief on the cross next to Jesus straight to the doors of paradise when he awoke. Faith. This is no cheesy slogan knitted onto pillows, no warm-and-fuzzy Christiany feeling. Faith is powerful and real. It is active. It is something we fight for. 

I saw this video circulating around on social media and found it to be so simple and so challenging. Rather than fill up this post with my words trying to recreate something that's already been said, I'll let Mike share it. Got 3 minutes? It's worth a watch! Enjoy. 

Fear is Just a Lie {Mike Donehey}