Advocates for Dignity- Seeing what is already there

Life has a way of presenting one with multiple opportunities to interact with people; Passing words uttered amongst beings stuck within an orbit of busy circling. Each one has their own full agenda and the to do list is the dictator. Faces in correspondence, but do they see the eyes of the one to whom they speak? Do they see the ache to be seen? To be known?

This is something I am learning to be better at- stop, see, engage, and give dignity to people. My sweet husband is very gifted in this area. He has a way of understanding the marginalized, a soft spot for the overlooked.

(photo credit to the husband~ Kenneth J. Watson, Thailand 2008)

The gas station is not just a place to refuel; it’s a place to meaningfully engage that man asking, “regular fill?” That veteran on the side of the road, cardboard in his hands, begging for work is not just homeless, he’s searching for belonging. Our window rolls down and my husband’s hand extends, reaching to give the veteran just what he’s looking for. No money to share, but “just saying hi is enough”, he says with hope in his eyes. The Mexican man pouring my coffee at our honeymoon breakfast is not just a resort employee; it’s a man who is working 12 hours a day to provide for wife and child. Our tip is not just extra, it’s indispensable. I watch the two, my new husband and this hard working man. Broken Spanish and smiles build a bridge between two cultures. Kindness is simple but profound and forges friendship.

I wonder how society would be shaped, how culture could shift if we paused and truly saw people; if we asked questions to know their stories. If we distributed kindness freely without consideration of what we would receive in return. It turns out that all it takes to break out of the dizzying orbit of egocentricity is to stop and see. Look into those eyes, even if just for a second. Look for that longing, that very human longing that you recognize because it’s what you see in yourself: the longing for dignity. Each interaction, however small, is an opportunity to give dignity. Not to assign dignity, for it was already assigned by the Creator, but to dust it off and call it out. Remind that soul that it’s there, you see it. It doesn’t need to be a long philosophical conversation. It starts with mindfulness and is carried out with a humble view of oneself in the sight of God. Aren’t we all just hearts hunting for worth? It’s His generous dispensation of acceptance that compels us to engage people. It starts with us. It starts with we who claim to study and know the way of Jesus. If not us, then who? I’d like to start a new way. To choose an eternal perspective, to purposefully interact in such a way that gives people the gift of dignity.

Want to join me?

Tips from a Recovering People Pleaser

Chances are, if you were drawn to read this because of the title, we are kindred spirits. 

Do you ever lay awake and replay a scenario on repeat, wondering what that person could think of you now after what you said? Do you worry (a lot) when someone is or could be upset with you? Have difficulty making decisions (even small ones) without consulting an entourage? Do you feel guilty when you say no? 

Me too. Or at least I did. But I'm finding that living to please people never did anything good for me. It has never made me a better friend, sister, daughter or servant of Christ. So it's time to remove the alias that people pleasing hides behind, name it, and start prying it's little controlling talons off of my identity. 

Are you with me?

There are so many possible origins of people pleasing- hurt from the past, family habit, insecurity or simply the desire to be liked. Sometimes it's helpful to look back and pinpoint where it all started. 
*Insert small, shameless plug for solid, Biblical, professional counseling. Seriously, we could all benefit from it at least one season of our lives. But that's a whole separate post that I won't go into today.*
Finding the "when" is a helpful piece to the mosaic of change. 

Now find the "why". Why is it that I shrivel up and withdraw when I sense that I don't have all of the approval I need? The desire to please people in itself is not wrong! In fact, people pleasers are often some of the most intuitive individuals who tend to be highly invested in their relationships. It's when this desire morphs into a larger beast, fed by good intentions and ignorance. My guess is that the "why" is that approval has suction cupped itself to identity. Significance is now only found in affirmation, and when the well of affirmation runs dry, significance dwindles. My friends, if you share the faith in Christ that I do you know your worth and value have been established once and for all for you, right? A worth that will never tarnish or fade away. And it has nothing to do with the work you did. So why are we striving so hard? 

Now to the"how". How is the undo'ing of people pleasing. I am still in the "how" and I invite you into my journey. What I have found is that approval addicts need fuel. And like all fuel, you get to choose which kind to fill up with. Fuel that's most readily available is the kind that also feeds insecurity, fear and worry. It's the kind that tells you to agree with popular opinion, to walk in the chains of indecision. Choose this fuel and the people pleaser in you will eat its fill and grow. The good fuel, the hearty kind that takes work, is the fuel of truth. 

Truth is the most powerful weapon in our fight for identity. 

The best place to find truth (not the 'whatever feels right' truth, but the ancient, transformative truth) can always be found in Scripture. Here are some truth to fuel our recovery:

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

You'll know that you are living to please others when you experience a lot of guilt, both self-induced and others-induced. Remember, God's kindness leads us to repentance. And Godly sorrow leads to repentance. NOT an overall heaviness whispering insignificance. Simply the presence of guilt does not always indicate the presence of sin. Ask yourself what it really is that you are feeling- what's the root? And the "why"- what sensitive part of my identity is this hitting and why is it affecting me this way? This may be a case of approval addiction.

So. Are you still with me? There's a lot here and the undo'ing is quite a bit of work. Is it worth the struggle? I 100% believe so. Yes. And here's why:
People pleasers forsake freedom. Freedom to make decisions, live with peace, and bask in the complete acceptance Christ offers. Recovering people pleasers start to unlock those chains. They say no and yes without apology. They make wise and confident decisions. They understand the the difference between needing to apologize and needing to let go. They identify unhealthy self-expectations and embrace their unique, God-given personality. They open up and say yes to peace. Most importantly, they loosen the grip people pleasing once had on identity. They are freed to give, receive, and love the way they were designed to. 

I want this. And I'm pretty certain you do too. Let's keep recovering together. 

When your heart feels at home

This post deserves a disclaimer.

For those who don't value the sentimental, this is not for you.

For those cynical of things of the heart, this is not for you.

These words don't come from a don't-you-wish-you-have-this-too place.

These words come from a place of gratitude and honesty.

For those who long, for those who wait, for those who question love, this is for you. Read and be encouraged.

And with that being said, here come my sentimental musings.

I once asked my aunt how she knew she was going to marry my uncle. My searching eyes and probing question revealed a young, questioning heart. This seemed to me to be THE question with a mysterious, perhaps unknowable, answer.

"Well," she spoke with a smile in her eyes, "You'll know because your heart feels at home."

 

All these years, those words bounched around in my analytical mind. I had no idea how her words would help me decipher love's code.

Now, as a 20 something engaged, reflective girl, my heart has found itself at home. As I nestle into this new homey place, I think I know what my aunt meant. It is only my own limited experience that I can share, but I believe that it is worth sharing.

 When your heart feels at home, you don't fall. You simply discover that you've been living out love, and risk admitting it's there by uttering it with words. It enters not with a bang but rather with a growing clarity, like the sun's gradual ascension bringing light to everything below. It's the heart's awakening at just the right time. A few mountain peaks and a few valleys, but it's the everyday plateaus, the ordinary things of life that weave together to create real love.

When your heart feels at home, you find that it's nothing like you expected. It's full and rich and deep and unknown and terrifying and genuine. It does not always adhere to reason. It's redemptive and risky. It's an everyday choosing of death to self  in a way that defies culture and natural instinct. However, you know that you're choosing a well-traveled road, a road ordained and sacred. A road leading to something eternal.

 

When your heart feels at home, you've never felt so comfortable in workout pants, a messy bun and yesterday's makeup. It's the silliness of late nights with your high school best friend and the deep desire shared with someone whose soul you've let so close to your own. The settledness inside knowing you'll always have at least one always in your corner.

When your heart feels at home, you recognize that in itself, love will never fully fill you up. That the aching need inside is only momentarily appeased by another. Even at its best, love shared falls short of the Creator's design, pressing you forward to the Source of the purest love, Love Himself. Maturity teaches that you do not need another to complete you. You simply choose that you don't want to become sancitified alongside another. You do not love out of skill or habit, but as the Giver of love teaches. As the Giver graciously, continuously pours love into imperfect hearts, it overflows and spills over to be generously shared.

 

In this temporary place,  my handbreadth of a life, my heart has found a home.

 

Have I not commanded you?

I love God's straight forward yet empowering message to Joshua in chapter 1. After the death of Moses, Joshua was set apart as the new leader of the Israelites. He had VERY large shoes to fill, and there's no doubt that he felt unequipped, unqualified, and terrified. God reminded Him of His promise to Abraham and then to Moses of blessing, land, and a great nation. He promised him success in battle against their enemies, conquest of any land they stepped foot on, and best of all, the Lord's presence with them. Why would Joshua even have reason to fear? And yet, God says in verse 9, "Have I not commanded you?" This is NOT the first time God told Joshua these truths. This is a repeated message, most likely because Joshua was afraid. Even a God-ordained leader, with guaranteed success and God's presence is shaking in his boots! This illustrates to me the very human-like qualities of Joshua.

I can empathize with him. Too many instances of my life have been plagued by fear and what-if's. I have been led to a specific ministry, yet I've laid awake at night wondering if I'd had enough of what I needed to do what God had called me to do. I've been paralyzed by possibilities of disaster and failure. Yet I hear the Lord challenge,

 "Have I not commanded you??"

Photo Credit to Ken Watson

"Be strong and very courageous! Don't be afraid, don't be discouraged. The Lord YOUR God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9).

Fear is the antithesis of faith, and God is calling us to live a life of faith. I've had the privilege of journeying with the Corban community and engaging difficult topics like sexual identity. Topics like these can be scary and it’s tempting at times to just stick our heads in the sand rather than “go to battle” as Christ followers in a post-Christian society. Friends, will you link arms with me in this good fight? Will you courageously enter into dialogue and learn to ask the hard questions? Will you learn with me how to embrace both truth and compassion?

Using this lesson of Joshua, I pray that I continue to help create a culture of courage and of great faith, for the Lord our God offers us His presence.

How to be a Pleasing Aroma

As I read through Genesis, I am struck by a common theme. A theme that represents a habit of grateful respect. A theme that is modeled by our forefathers for us to practice today.

I'd like to focus on the example of 2 men in Genesis: Noah & Abraham. 

In Genesis 8, Noah and his family had just endured months of waiting for the flood waters to recede, allowing them to be back on solid ground. Following the end of the flood, the freedom of his family, and the release of the animals, Noah built an altar to the Lord and sacrificed clean animals as burnt offerings. Scripture says "the Lord smelled the pleasing aroma" and promised never to curse the ground again, despite the future evilness of man. (vs. 21-22).

photo credit to Ken Watson

In chapter 12, Abram had just encountered the majesty and faithfulness of His God after receiving a promise and blessing for he and his offspring. In awe, Abram pitched a tent in the hills and "built an altar to the Lord and called on the name of the Lord" (8-9). 

There are 2 important parts to this habit of worship. First of all, the Lord is pleased with sacrifice. This is evident from the Old Covenant laws and the rich significance of blood throughout the Old Testament. I believe this is one of the main reasons that atonement for mankind was only accomplished through the sacrifice of the spotless Lamb of God. An atonement that was made once for all. Second, the Lord is pleased when we remember. How often do we ask for God's help, or absent-mindedly receive God's blessings yet forget to return with gratefulness? Another way Israelites remembered God's faithfulness was by setting up stones of remembrance or "Ebenezers". When God's people pause to remember His greatness, future obstacles are less ominous and the heart of God is pleased. 

As children of God let's make a habit of being a pleasing aroma. Sacrifice and remember. 

All this talk about presents is getting me contemplative about why we give them. Sunday school told me that the giver is one who gets the blessing. Or was it the receiver? All this rushing, spending, stressing. Wracking your brain- what did you give last year? Then madly attempting to outdo yourself. To what end? To attain that coveted item only to have it sit, neglected on the counter or collecting dust in a box under the bed.

 What has communicated the most meaning to me? Many things. Except what comes to my mind is not a list of items, but rather experiences with others. Not to be unwrapped, but to be savored over a period of time. The offer to share a meal for a birthday gift. The ridealong companion that happily joins me as I drive around all day attacking a long to do list. The caring soul who enters into my messy apartment and asks to sit with me while I process and cry, warm tears seeping into the shoulder of her sweater. The hospital visit I make while sitting at the bed of a sick friend, offering nothing but a warm hand to hold as she hobbles down the hall, a closed mouth, and open ear. I see encouragement in her eyes.

There is a common characteristic among these occurences; a thread weaving them into something lasting and rich: the gift of presence. Never has someone given me something more worthwhile. The glow of posessions loses its lustre. The closeness of another's warmth lasts long after their departure, for it spreads to the most inner place of me, the place that matters, inspiring me to offer the same warmth.

 

It is for this reason that I believe that God did more than offer a Savior when He sent His only Jesus son to this earth. He knew it too. Because it wouldn't have been enough to send even the greatest, newest, shiniest present to His people. Even if they begged Him for it. He gave, freely and wholeheartedly, what the human soul needed but didn't know:

His presence.

The presence of an average, ordinary-looking, dusty-footed, hard-working man. Deity sharing our skin, facing temptation, feeling defeat. He spoke the tongue of the ones He wanted to woo, shoulder to shoulder walking, obeying the purpose assigned to Him by His Father. He was that companion, not mighty conqueror. He was attentive, not absent. He was that warm hand extended to the marginalized, not a political hero. And though he was asked for many things that would fix or solve, He saw deeper into the heart. His gaze penetrated through even the purest intentions to offer something so life-altering and misunderstood. A meal, a walk, a touch. A gift that would transform. A gift that would be passed down by story-telling and changed lives. A gift that He offers to me today, though in different packaging, as I traverse the bumpy roads of this small, imperfect life. My discouragement, joy, triumph, and work load is shared. The warmth of His presence changes me.

Emmanuel is our God with us. Open up and receive the gift of presence.

Audacious Simplicity of Freedom

One of the great mysteries that amuses me most about life is that lessons learned can be re-learned. Most of the time they should be re-learned because maybe they were not learned fully to begin with. This re-learning is what makes living so fulfilling.

Just recently I got to re-learn. Each Sunday, Kenny and I get to teach a lively group of little ones about Jesus. They have smaller bodies than the college students I work with daily, but the similarities between the two people types are startling. But that's besides the point.

We start each gathering with songs and a story. The kids were ushered into a large room and instructed to sit inside of a large square marked with blue painters tape. Since our numbers were smaller, they were allowed to sit WHEREVER they wanted...as long as it was within the blue tape boundary. I watched, fascinated as a blonde six-year-old wandered around inside the blue tape, an overwhelmingly confused look on her little face. Wherever she wanted? Not in the first grade row like normal? Other kids followed suit. Their agitated expressions gave away their thoughts. The simplicity of freedom was so great, they were paralyzed.

And then I recalled all the ways in which I've lived this way.

When my aunt took me on a ten-year-old excursion to the newest girls' clothing store and told me that I could pick out whatever I wanted. Her offer was so generous that I didn't know how to say yes. And once I said yes, where did I even start?

When God offered me complete forgiveness and favor in exchange for the self-inflicted guilt I quietly struggled with for years. Not just wiped clean, but an co-heiress of Christ, a delight to God? When I look forward into the future and have the realization that I absolutely have the freedom to make decisions (confidently!) within the larger boundaries of His written Word. I do not need to live in fear that I might make a wrong choice and fall off the map of His favor. He pursues me, I respond in obedience to His grace, and his gift to me is freedom.

Can it be that the great truths, the glorious simplicities, are God's most generous gifts to His people, yet they will not be received? How deeply that must hurt him to generously offer gifts yet have the objects of His great affection shake their heads and push them away.

 I want to have the audacity to receive freely with both hands and a thankful heart the  outrageous freedom my Father gives. It blesses the Giver and overjoys the receiver. I want to stop apologetically coming to Him with my neediness in exchange for grace. I want to say yes to expectant faith with wide eyes of anticipation and excitment. I don't want to tiptoe inside the boundaries, paralyzed by the ability to choose. I want to skip around inside the wide open space of grace. I want to say yes to the audacious simplicity of freedom.