Life after Forgiveness: What it looks like a few years later.

We sat in the car in nervous silence. Rather, I sat in nervous silence, squeezing my husband's hand. 

We were on our way to a party at which I would see them: those people who hurt me way back when. It had been a few years since I battled pain, was tempted by bitterness, and came to peace with forgiving them. But now it was later and I was about to stare betrayal right in the face.  I hadn't thought about that wound for so long and all of the sudden, today, I was reminded of the hurt. It made me feel nauseous. I wanted to turn around and go home. 

But grownups don't run away from people they don't like. 

Some grownups see them and fake nice. 

Some grownups ignore them. 

Some grownups play the upper hand, make sure they look real good and real happy, and look for vengeance. 

For some reason I knew that none of those methods were for me. 

With my brave husband's hand in mine and my eventual decision to do the hard/right thing, I talked with them. I looked them in the eyes and treated them with the respect I give all humans. It wasn't too bad. It taught me some truths about what forgiveness looks like a little further down the road: 

The wound may always be a wound. Asking for forgiveness isn't the same as being "over" the injustice. Sometimes the hurt was just too deep and what happened truly was wrong. That may never change. Like a physical wound, though it may be healed, the scar tissue will always be sensitive. Things may not feel like they did before. Forgiveness leaves space for that but puts justice into the hands of the ultimate Judge. Forgiveness chooses to let go of the need to be declared right. Forgiveness eliminates pity parties and pushes away the poison of bitterness in order to find the freedom of grace. 

Boundaries are still important. Being a friendly person, that nice girl that wants to be friends with everyone, I had this expectation that life after forgiveness meant becoming friends, liking each others' pictures on Facebook, and sharing family vacations someday. Forgiveness can (but most always does NOT) ensure a deep friendship. In my case, I found that close proximity did not encourage me closer to health and peace. It just bumped up against the wound and irritated it. In order to remain emotionally healthy and protect myself, I decided not to keep in touch, though I communicated my decision with grace and love. The funny thing about boundaries is that it usually builds respect. Healthy choices are contagious. 

Closure may never fully come...the way you expect. Those years ago after I chose to forgive, I pictured a letter coming to me in the mail years later explaining (in graphic detail) their feelings of remorse. Along with their feelings would come a very poetic apology through which my heart would at last find its liberty. Finally then, all things would be made right. In reality, I don't really know if they realize how much they hurt me. I don't really know if they realize how incredibly hard it was to get on my knees again and again to let go. Though I may never get the closure I thought I needed from them, there's something healing about settling it with the God who sees me. Peace is the reward when you choose to be faithful. 

Forgiving is hard but it gets easier. Sometimes you need to forgive someone multiple times. Saying the words aloud doesn't mean instant freedom. In my case, I needed to revisit the hurt and pry my fingers off of the desire to be right. But through having the same conversation with the Lord dozens of times, He gave me quiet steadfastness. Seeing them face-to-face years later wasn't easy. But it didn't ruin my week either. It turns out that forgiveness is an art that can be practiced and be made into something imperfectly beautiful. 

Here's to grace, healing, and embracing life after forgiveness. 

When peace is hard to find.

I woke up out-of-sorts in a bad way today. 

The kind of out-of-sorts that feels almost impossible to kick. I am feeling the ache of brokenness, the ripple effects of sin and the agony of waiting for restoration. 

Lord Jesus, when? 

Politics and social (in)justice and people teaming up with each other to use opinions as jagged edged weapons...

It's exhausting and makes me want to run away. It makes me want to weep. 

It makes me wonder how to respond, how to feel, how to believe. My heart longs the way the earth longs for its redemption. 

Lord Jesus, when? 

Maybe you're with me today and peace is hard to find. My weary eyes found words that poured refreshment into my emotionally haggard heart: 

"The LORD sits enthroned over the flood. The LORD is enthroned as King forever. The LORD gives strength to His people, the Lord blesses His people with peace."  

{ Psalm 29 }

And the Lord spoke these truths, as an anchor, slowing my tumultuous feelings: 

He is on His throne. 

He gives me strength. 

He is and will always be King. 

I must be ruled by His peace. 

He has the victory.

May these words bless your heart (wherever it's at today) as they have blessed mine. 

It's all just noise: Why I am completely un-freaked out by controversy and hot topics.

Facebook newsfeed grosses me out. There are so many very strong opinions, so many heated and passive aggressive discussions. So much tearing each other down with hateful comments over social media, all in the name of "having an opinion". 

So-and-so changed their body and re-labeled their sexuality. 

He messed up and his scandalous story is now exposed. 

They weren't accepting of her lifestyle, so they got sued for infringement of her rights. 

And the noise of controversy stirs and builds. Those who are looking to argue are quickly satisfied. 

I am completely un-freaked out and unimpressed. 

No, it's not because I don't have an opinion. No, it's not because I approve of what is broken. I am just over it. I refuse to add to the noise. 

I realize some may call me passive. Some may accuse me for not caring enough about what I believe in. But you see, I stand my ground for exactly that reason. It's what I believe in that keeps me absolutely unruffled. 

For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

1 John 2:16-17

It's not that I'm not grieved by brokenness. Sin knocks cracks in my heart and in my desire to see goodness in humanity. Things are not as they should be, thanks to the disobedience, curse, and illness that every person is born into. It's sad. I ache for restoration. I feel the world writing in birth pains, anticipating impending deliverance. Deliverance is coming! Very soon. In the meantime I'm just NOT shocked by the way the broken world lives. It is, after all, broken. Why should I expect any different? The world, the ones who do not have the mind of the Spirit will not be living according to the Spirit. I will not hold a standard of holy living for those who do not believe in the God of eternity. Therefore, I cannot be disappointed when brokenness makes the front page. 

There is, however, something that does disappoint me. I am disappointed by those believers who throw their loud voice into the frenzied whirlpool of noise. Their world turns upside down when the world, yet again, is being broken. Whatever happened to Jesus' words telling us this would come- "In this world you WILL have trouble" followed by the promise that should be the anchor,"but take heart! I have overcome the world!" Whatever happened to words "full of grace, seasoned with salt"? My heart aches when I see believers running around in chaos. How it must ache the heart of our Maker.

Don't they remember that this temporary place is not as it should be? Have they forgotten who is still seated in His throne, victorious and coming back to make all things right?

I'm not suggesting that we need to be doormats. I'm also not suggesting that we forget to stand up for what is true. But friends, aren't you tired of trying to yell louder than all the many confused and lost opinions out there? 

What would happen if Christ followers stopped trying to argue with those who do not even speak the same heart language? What if we jumped out of the spinning madness to just be still, confident and at peace? 

Our God is not chaotic. He is not shocked at the life of the broken. His rhythm is steady and His driving desire is to woo the world with the intensity of His grace. Let's follow suit. 

Love. It's Contagious.

Humans love to go first. We fight to throw our name in the hat, shouting "me, me!" with our arms up in the air like kindergarteners. We fight to be seen...Except for when it comes to initiating love to people that have wronged you. Nothing scares the inner 5-year-old to the back of the line faster.
 
When it comes to conflict, it seems that everyone is walking around wounded, waiting for the world to approach them first. Always a victim, we sulk and let our shoulders sink with sour dejection. If only my mother/father/cousin/best friend/wife/brother would realize that they owe me. Then all relational angst would be nonexistant. We wait. We brood. And conflict sits and festers, warm and rotting in that selfish, entitled place in our souls. Most humans stay right here, festering, our wounds our most cherished posession. We stay there so long we start to believe that life is really supposed to be that bitter. Those wounds warp the heart, placing indelible labels on our identity.

Oh, WHY do we believe the lie that resolution comes when the other person changes??

There's another way. A way so counterintuitive that it seems foolish. But the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom (1 Cor. 1:25). He says to go first. Face that person that makes you so mad and do what freaks you out. Do what doesn't make sense. Love them deeply. Go first. It's risky. There is no "satisfaction or your money back" guarantee. There is no promise that person will see and acknowlege your selflessness. Love never comes with such guarantees. It's so countercultural that it won't be recongized for what it is. Expect confusion. Expect the sound of crumbling walls of opposition. The thing about love is that it's hard. It doesn't always feel like fun.

{To be clear, love isn't handing your trust back to an untrustworthy individual on a silver platter. Love is wiser than that. It's about forgiveness and free distribution of the mercy of which you've partaken. That's all we're required to do.}

When you quit waiting for others to change and extend that hand of peace, something rearranges inside yourself. The strong sense of being wronged starts to fade as grace floods in.

Another thing about love is that it makes waves. Love is contagious and disarming. When my priority shifts from how I can change them to how I can love them, the change I want to see starts taking place in front of me. Wow, just like everything else in life, it's not in my control! Do you hear the urgency of God's rhythm of freedom? Let go. Let me. Love first.

Let's start shifting our priorities. Let's spread the love.

Crazy, scary fun. What happens when you start to follow your calling.

The cool/terrifying thing about following Jesus and saying yes to the dreams He planted is that He will give you fun opportunities! 

He gave me a big gift last week. I got to speak ("preach"? argues my husband) at Corban University chapel. It was the last message in a series of 6 on the life and ministry of Peter. 

If you have approximately 33 minutes, I'd love for you to have a listen. 
(Please ignore the less than wonderful picture of me with this link. Don't let it take away from your listening experience. Bleh. Okay, I'm done.) 

Third Time's the Charm: the Pain & Power of Redemption

Some things I learned from John 21 and this crazy, scary fun experience:

• Peter and I would've been friends. If Peter was chosen as the rock of the Church, a prominent leader with authority in Jesus' name, there's hope for me too. There's also hope for you. 
• I'm much more long-winded than I thought. 
• Redemption hurts. Pain comes before deep healing. 
• When you're scared, wear bright-colored pants. You'll feel like you can take on the world. 
• Mistakes don't disqualify God-given calling! 
• Jesus is always about pursuing and healing and empowering His people into Kingdom work. 
• Saying YES to opportunities that align with your calling is scary and fun. The result: Feeling so very alive. Knowing His delight. Living His purpose for me. 

What you need to know about your ENFP {life-of-the-party} friends.

There are some things you may not know about your ENFP friends. 

You know the type: outgoing, warm, playful, spontaneous, go-with-the-flow, like to make you laugh. You know, the ones who seem like nothing gets them down. 

That is me. Maybe it's you. If so, maybe you'll resonate with some of my new thoughts along my journey of self discovery. 

ENFP stands for Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving. Those who are ENFP tend to quickly recognize and gravitate toward other ENFP's. You know them when you see them. We are our own breed of extraversion and enthusiasm. We are story tellers and influencers. Some of these characteristics may be broad generalizations but they seem to be consistent among my circle of fellow ENFP'ers. These are not meant to put anyone in a box, but rather to put words to some common traits, giving license to ENFPs to be uniquely who they are created to be. May you feel understood, not labeled! 

If you work with one, are raising one, are married to one or are one, here are some tips to understanding us/yourself better. 

1. Conflict is scary. It can feel like a relationship is in jeopardy (I will expound on why this is a big deal with number 5). It's not that we always run from conflict, but before we confront, we need to feel confident that it's really going to be worth it- that it'll lead to deeper connection, not burned bridges. It may take us longer to process conflict and we'd like to feel prepared to communicate our feelings well. If you are confronted by an ENFP friend, be comforted that there was much thought and prayer before that conversation. You will most likely come away shocked that something was even wrong in the first place. If all goes well, we hope you'll walk away reminded that you are cared for deeply. 

2. We seem chill, but inside our heads there's a lot going on! We care. Really. Our default is to laugh, but it doesn't mean we don't take things seriously. One of the worst fears of an ENFP is that we will be perceived as unintelligent...as if laughter and intellect cannot coexist. In reality, we can be some of the most creative, abstract thinkers but can easily be discouraged if a louder, more dominant personality seems to have a better idea. We have opinions! We care deeply! We also like to laugh. Don't assume we do not have the capacity to  do both in a balanced way. In order to maximize us, ask for our opinion and let us know you value what we bring to the table. 

3. We are sensitive souls. We laugh, but we may be hurt. We seem confident but we can be self conscious. Since conflict is not our knee-jerk reaction, it is often difficult for people to read our frustration. We often analyze our conversations after they happen, making sure that we did not say anything that could've caused any hurt. Because we love laughter, ENFP's can often be the focus of jokes. Sometimes these jokes are funny and make us feel known. Sometimes these jokes go too far and hurt even though we laugh with you. If you want to make sure you are not doing the latter, just ask us. We'll tell you. 

4. It's hard to turn intuition off. We get tired. Every gift has a dark side. Deep feelers can face some emotional pitfalls. A great strength of the ENFP is the ability to read people and social interactions. This greatly aids us in our relationships, workplaces and marriages. However this can lead to stress in group settings where there is perceived tension that is not evident to others. It's very difficult (maybe impossible?) to turn that intuition off. Many ENFPs will face psychological distress in these settings such as anxiety and depression. We are extraverted, but need our down time too; we need a space where we don't have to be "on". 

5. Relationships will always come first, sometimes at the expense of other important things. We are people people. We are motivated by connectedness. This relational gift can make our friends feel like they're the only person in the entire world. This can also appear to our more task-oriented friends that we are irresponsible with tasks. We do want to do things well, but our priority is relationships. For better or for worse! ENFP's can often run late if engrossed in a deep, meaningful conversation with someone they care about beforehand. We know we are weak in this area- so be patient with us! One thing is for sure: we know how to make people feel valued. Just ask our close friends.

6. WOO. We like to make people happy. This can either motivate (drive us to do something extra well) or hinder (turn us into a people-pleaser) depending on how we use this gift. At best, we are sensitive to the thoughts and opinions of others, ensuring that everyone has a voice. At worst we can get stuck if we feel we do not have approval from others. StrengthsQuest calls this quality "woo" (Win Others Over), which is a strength many ENFP's have. One fun part of being a woo is that we tend to make new friends quickly, giving us a wide variety of companions. 

If you ARE an ENFP, know that you are uniquely designed and bring life to your community! It's important that you lean into your strengths, avoiding comparison to other personalities. Be you. Love people. The world wouldn't be the same without you. 

If you know an ENFP, these thoughts may not be new but may they be used as you learn how to better love and relate to us. 

Creating Home { pt 2 } Repurposed & Rediscovered.

Some of my favorite words start with RE.

RElax

REfresh

REflect

REbalance

RE is a beautiful thing. Add this simple prefix to just any word and you get something new and beautiful. 

Today we're going to talk about 

Repurposing and Rediscovering 

in nesting. 

I am a firm believer that pieces of furniture are like little gems, waiting to be discovered and REinvented (See? Another one!) Maybe it's something you inherited from your grandmother. Maybe it's an olllllld wedding gift that now feels outdated. Maybe it's a little something tucked away at that second hand store. Does it call to you? With just a little attention, a trendy paint color, some new knobs, or a unique texture it could become a masterpiece. It doesn't have to be new to be nesting. 

Here's some practical (though not professional) repurposing tips from your friendly nester: 

1. Look for a solid, real wood furniture piece that has an attractive shape. Don't get too stuck on what color it is or what the knobs look like. The cosmetic stuff is easy to change. Try to imagine its new identity. You could make it pop! Just make sure it's a solid piece that could last your family a few years without falling apart. 

Project in progress: Look at this little beauty! I spotted this gem at a local Value Village. Never mind the missing knob, this side table was meant for me. The plan is to smooth away some of those blemishes with some sanding and add cute knobs. For now it sits next to my side of the bed, perfect and imperfect at the same. OH! And I only spent $7 on it. #WIN. 

2. Some pieces just need to be enhanced. 

I found this armoire at a pay-by-the-pound Goodwill for $30. I was drawn to its simple, rustic feel. The original plan was to paint it, but when I got it home and waited, the knottiness of the wood was simply too pretty to cover up with paint. What I didn't like was the layer of orangey varnish on it. So with a few hours of hand sanding, the orange was gone. The armoire was stunning and organic. I added cream to the knobs and this piece now sits majestically in our movie room. 

Paint is not always the answer! Sometimes your furniture just needs to be enhanced. The natural look is often the best. 

3. Choose your paint wisely. There are 2 things to consider when you want to repurpose: 

Is this the right color? 

Is this the right quality? 

I will always sing the praises of a glorious product that is called Annie Sloan Chalk Paint. For a raving imperfectionist like me, this stuff is perfect. NO prep, NO sanding, NO chemical smell, trendy and diverse color options, and it covers beautifully! My mom and I discovered it while visiting The big white goose store and knew it would change our creative methods forever. Let me tell you- it has. My favorite colors so far: Old Ochre and Duck Egg Blue. 

For more information about Chalk Paint, visit Annie's website. 

3. Sometimes it's NOT love at first sight. That was my experience with this 70's thrift store hutch. Put off by the color and glass, I almost walked away from it. Thankfully my mom has an eye for potential treasure. We stood there, staring and deliberating for about 30 minutes...

Hesitant, but trusting my mom's crafty gut, it came home with us. 

2 Coats of Duck Egg Blue chalk paint, lots of elbow grease, a little chicken wire AND...

Love grows. I am IN LOVE with this piece that was the pie safe in our wedding. It now serves as a place to display our fancy dishes, a faux display mantle, and a focal point in our home. 

4. Be innovative. Create new purposes for old things. When it comes to repurposing, there are no rules. This lovely antique door? Soon to be our headboard. Pictures to come...

Remember: Beauty is NOT when your home matches Pinterest or Martha Stewart magazine. Beautiful nesting happens when your creativity tells the story of your family.    

Happy thrifting!

Happy nesting! 

Just make sure it's truly an expression of YOU.