A prayer for when I lack. { John 15 }

Oh Lord, my Provider
today I lack. 

So I recall your promise to me. 

You are trustworthy. You have always kept your promise. 

Remain in Me. Abide in my love. 

 Remain, stay, continue, live, set up camp under the protection of your love.

Do this and fruit will abound. 

Apart from me you can do nothing. 

My efforts 

My striving
My best intentions devoid of you are flat and useless. 


I have told you this so that you can 
have JOY- real and complete. 
Where is the joy when I strive and struggle? 
Take me back to that spacious place
That vast expanse under the covering of your love. 


Remain in Me. Abide in my love. 
Help me to put down roots, 
set up my makeshift tent, this temporary dwelling under your wings.
Teach me to be still and soak in the melody of your truth
that in that vast expanse I may discover my belovedness 
And yield fruit that they will know I am yours. 

{ John 15 }

The joy of duty: when you don't feel like it.

Sometimes the pace of life is sluggish and you just don't feel like it. 

Can you relate? 

In these times I guilt trip myself. As a a big feeler (like capital F in the ENFP), someone who confidently wears my feelings on my sleeve and feels relatively in touch with the day-to-day emotions a woman typically experiences, these times scare me. Apathy is not a regular thing. Yet as I get older, apathy pays me a visit more regularly and I have to choose what to do with it. 

Here's what I'm learning to do when I just don't feel like it. 

First, I examine. Apathy is usually a secondary emotion, a symptom of a greater issue that needs treating. What's happening in my heart, between me and the Lord, between me and my husband, between me and my other relationships? What's the state of my soul? Sometimes there is a festering wound, growing in dark solitude, untended to and in need of healing. Sometimes it's just an attitude adjustment. Do I need to seek resolution with someone? Confess sin? Maybe even just have a frank, truth-filled, kick-in-the-butt pep talk to get back on my feet? 

Next, I choose the joy that accompanies duty . Not feeling like it can manipulate you into believing that you are at the mercy of your emotions. Not true. You have more of an influence than you think. Sometimes apathy is present because a decision needs to be made in your heart. The decision to just be faithful with what's in front of you. 

Duty gets a bad rap. Our entitled culture communicates that we have the right to only do what we want when we feel like it. This is all well and good, some of my best work is done when I am passionately engulfed in what's in front of me. But sometimes I'm just not. It's time to dust off duty, reexamine its usefulness and employ it. Not because it's good to be fake, but because it's good to be committed. It's good to be faithful. Duty brings an uncommon joy- something different, rich and meaningful. It does something in my spirit. What's funny about duty is that when I choose it and the feelings aren't there, oftentimes the feelings come...later. But they do come. And my heart, the little entitled girl inside, starts to grow up. I am no longer dragged around by feelings, they start to yield to my decision to just be faithful. 

Don't give up on duty. Don't put too much stock in feelings. Life's a dance of juggling both. And next time you just don't feel like it, it's okay. You're not alone. Choose faithful and those feelings may follow. 

Pilgrimage: Don't get too comfortable.

I realized something for perhaps the first time today. 

Can I be really honest? I've been really disappointed in humanity lately. The bandwagons people jump on about things they know very little about. Poor choices without little or no remorse- choices with consequences that wound community. TRUE injustices and world crises that are ignored by media. Friends I once shared life with are spiritually apathetic, completely unfazed. Mediocrity, relativity, passivity. 

It's worried me that I've been so disappointed. Am I just cynical? Am I judgmental? 

This is what I've realized: my disappointment comes from a deep sadness. Sadness that we have forgotten our pilgrimage. We have simply accepted what is, this temporary tent of a home, this shadow of what is to come. We've accepted it and stopped longing for more. We've let go of the promise of eternity handed down to us from our forefathers, shrugging it off because it's something reason doesn't readily keep in our short-sighted view. So we keep our heads down, trudging onward with heavy baggage, fickle feelings as the captain. And this temporary land that will pass away keeps shocking us. But why? 

Maybe we're tired of waiting for fulfillment of that promise of eternity? Maybe it just seems too far-fetched? Maybe this earthly tent is just too comfortable? 

It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased. ~C.S. Lewis

What if we embraced life as a holy pilgrimage, a journey with a destination of glory? What if we accepted that 

1. The journey will be hard, we will ache as we wait and anticipate.  

2. We are promised the presence of our Savior. He will provide joy, sustenance, and peace along the way. 

3. This journey will be misunderstood. To blend into our surroundings would be to discredit the Almighty One, like insisting on making mud pies when offered a holiday at the sea. 

4. Instant gratification feels good now but neglects the soul. A pilgrim knows that longings are not met instantly. His eyes are fixed on the permanent, heavenly dwelling ahead and waits in quiet trust. 

As a pilgrim I have something that others don't. 

I have hope of what is to come. Hope that doesn't come from the president we vote into office, the laws legislators pass, or the state of our nation. Hope that's an anchor for my soul (Hebrews 6:19)

I have an unconventional, misunderstood life. It's going to look different. As easy as it would be to build my life around the cultural norms and opinions of others, I align my decisions with a different standard. The standard set by the Creator who transforms my mind and heart (Romans 12:2)

I have a guarantee. There's little in this life that you can bank on, but I bank on this truth. While I live in a makeshift tent, longing and groaning for my Lord's return, I never have to question His promise. The Spirit, His gift to me, instructs my heart to wait in full confidence. 

(2 Corinthians 5) 

May we remember our pilgrimage, linking arms with our fellow travelers. May our eyes be fixed on future glory. May we long deeply for more than this world can offer and remember that it will at last be met in Jesus Christ. 

Day 30: The fear I will never apologize for.

Day 30! It's here! 

Now, originally this series was intended to be a consecutive 30 days. However, mine did not turn out that way. I'm not going to use the excuse that my life was busy because everyone is busy in their own way (even though it's sort of true *wink*). But I realized that in order to make each day quality writing, words that were worth reading, I needed to slow down, take a deep breath and write when I could contribute something meaningful. The result? Hopefully words worth reading. Not just a task crossed off my daily to do list. And at last (70+ days after I started day 1), I've reached the end. 

Honestly, I'm just grateful I finished. This has been a new & challenging journey for me. It's one I'm so glad I said yes to. I pray that these words have challenged, inspired, encouraged or pushed you nearer to the presence of our Lord Jesus. Thanks for being on this journey with me, friends. 

Day 29: Bold enough to enter the throne room.

Remember when you were a small child and you needed something? Or remember when you even just wanted something badly? What would you do?

Ask. Okay, sometimes beg unbecomingly. But your request was clear, right? 

Maybe that request was heard, but not always granted. Or sometimes it was. Sometimes it was granted with gladness, bringing happiness to your heart. 

But somewhere along the way it became embarrassing to ask. Something crept up into the grownup psyche, something masked as polite. Pride? Self-consciousness? Probably because you were told not to beg. Begging is bad behavior. But what about asking? 

I believe this has completely messed with our prayer life. We come, tiptoe'ing, eyes closed for fear of the response. We open our shaking lips to whisper a prayer that is mostly composed of unclear mumblings, a fearful attempt at humbleness. We say amen, realizing that what we just said didn't even make sense. We were so afraid of over-asking, of begging like a child that we forgot to even ask at all. When did asking become something to be embarrassed by? When did this open relationship became hindered by such unclear words and shakiness? 

For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

{ Hebrews 4:15-16 }

The One who delivers- the perfect high priest who strives on our behalf so that we may have relationship with God offers Himself freely. The doors of the throne room are open wide, a warm invitation is extended from the One who lived this life, suffered this life. He gets it. He pleads for us to enter, assuring us that there is nothing too shocking or too messy for Him. He bids us to come in, asks to take our coat, His warm presence encouraging us to ask. To ask with confidence! He has the means to offer grace and meet those deepest needs. Why not ask? Asking does 2 things:

1. It builds trust. Asking opens the lines of communication. Whether or not the request is granted right now, later or not at all, asking states a need and learns the heart of the One on the throne. 

2. It builds faith. Faith is bold and risky. It doesn't come with a safety guarantee, it may lead to disappointment. But faith is the language of man to God, the language that points to deep and wholehearted belief in Jesus. Life lived in faith doesn't mean easy, it means fulfilling. Nothing moves the heart of God more than a wholehearted statement of belief that He is who He says He is and rewards those who seek Him. In fact, you cannot please Him without this kind of faith (Hebrews 11). 

This kind of asking may mean that we need to face some insecurity, some fear that we will be too needy. What is a loving relationship without honest dialogue? Without courageous asking? There is nothing to lose. Perhaps we are afraid of His answer? Friend, there is no guarantee of the answer you desire. 

But what happens when you enter into this throne room, you find a Father brimming with grace and goodness. You may even find that what you came to ask for wasn't what you really should be asking for. Once you open your eyes to see Him, really see him, you see that maybe you were settling. It's time to ask bigger, for now you know that He is able. May you be wide-eyed and expectant as you enter the throne room of grace. May you fight the fear that keeps you from asking and truly see the heart of your King this season. 

Day 28: Two words that indicate bold letting go.

There are 2 words, 2 very difficult words that indicate bold letting go. 

They are powerful words. Words that can untangle some of the messiest, wildest tangled up knots. Words that can release one from the captivity of guilt and be the catalyst of healing. Words that are some of the hardest syllabus to utter. Fear doesn't like these words. 

{ I'm sorry. }

And here's why fear doesn't like them. 

1. It's vulnerable. It's open. It's risky. Fear says to keep yourself safe and protected and walled up so you won't get hurt. Fear says to let someone else take the first step. 

2. These words admit fault. Saying them indicates that you claim responsibility. Fear says to pretend you know what you're doing- to pass blame on another when something goes awry. 

3. Not everyone will appreciate the bravery of these words. They are not guaranteed to be followed with forgiveness. They may be perceived as weak. 

4. They must be said with sincerity. Fear doesn't value genuine or heartfelt. Fear keeps things light, on the surface. 

Saying "I'm sorry" is truly powerful when it's offered with a sincere and repentant heart. It's transformative because of how it takes initiative without assurance of how the other person will receive it. It's easier to be stubborn. It feels better to be stubborn. These are some of the least offered words because they are just plain hard. Saying "I'm sorry" means swallowing the urge to explain or defend oneself. It's simple, it's raw, it's honest. It lets go of the need to see immediate justice because it waits hopefully on the One who will one day make all things right. 

These 2 words diffuse anger. They take the 1st step to start a trajectory toward restoration. They indicate a bold letting go of the need to prove and defend self. They indicate bold maturity. Bold contentedness with self and bold leaning on the One who ultimately restores. 

When was the last time you exhibited this kind of bold? 

Day 27: When you aren't sure which way is brave.

There comes a time when you know you need to do the brave thing. You want to do the brave thing. But you aren't quite sure which way is more brave. 

Typically this occurs at a crossroads, a point of decision. 

I don't know about you but I sure don't like decision making. Especially when it touches the things I value, the things that are close to my heart. I'm learning not to let decisions paralyze me but it is a daily, arduous process. 

A few years ago I was at a crossroads. I had 2 very good job options presented to me. Both good dream jobs. Both very unique and had the potential to take me down very opposite paths.

Decisions are hard. Decisions with 2 very good options are even harder. I looked long and hard at both options, my analytical brain buzzing and worrying about the what it's. Both were good, maybe even great options. I prayed and heard nothing. I waited but felt indifferent. I was terrified of choosing wrongly. I was terrified of missing the best. 

I shared my predicament with a close friend. Knowing my heart and my habit of fear, she chose wise words. 

Which one takes more faith??

There wasn't an easy answer. To uncover it required a time of stillness, listening and reflecting. 

I then reached a point where a decision needed to be made. I did not have a Divine epiphany or magical moment where I just knew. I just picked the one that required the most faith. And you know what? That same day I received a phone call informing me that the job I was most interested in was no longer available. I was shocked, I was confused, but I had an answer. I just got to it in a way that made it irrefutable. I took the other job with complete confirmation and peace. It was absolutely the right decision for me, as it opened the door for me to shepherd the students I share life with now. 

Sometimes answers come as a response to a step taken in faith, before you know. Brave doesn't have the luxury of waiting until clarity comes. Brave looks for the direction requiring more faith because it knows that there's no other way to live. The brave way, the way of faith is what pleases the Father. The brave way, the way of faith yields a life well-lived. An eternally significant life. When you aren't sure which way is brave, choose the way that takes more faith.