Day 29: Bold enough to enter the throne room.

Remember when you were a small child and you needed something? Or remember when you even just wanted something badly? What would you do?

Ask. Okay, sometimes beg unbecomingly. But your request was clear, right? 

Maybe that request was heard, but not always granted. Or sometimes it was. Sometimes it was granted with gladness, bringing happiness to your heart. 

But somewhere along the way it became embarrassing to ask. Something crept up into the grownup psyche, something masked as polite. Pride? Self-consciousness? Probably because you were told not to beg. Begging is bad behavior. But what about asking? 

I believe this has completely messed with our prayer life. We come, tiptoe'ing, eyes closed for fear of the response. We open our shaking lips to whisper a prayer that is mostly composed of unclear mumblings, a fearful attempt at humbleness. We say amen, realizing that what we just said didn't even make sense. We were so afraid of over-asking, of begging like a child that we forgot to even ask at all. When did asking become something to be embarrassed by? When did this open relationship became hindered by such unclear words and shakiness? 

For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

{ Hebrews 4:15-16 }

The One who delivers- the perfect high priest who strives on our behalf so that we may have relationship with God offers Himself freely. The doors of the throne room are open wide, a warm invitation is extended from the One who lived this life, suffered this life. He gets it. He pleads for us to enter, assuring us that there is nothing too shocking or too messy for Him. He bids us to come in, asks to take our coat, His warm presence encouraging us to ask. To ask with confidence! He has the means to offer grace and meet those deepest needs. Why not ask? Asking does 2 things:

1. It builds trust. Asking opens the lines of communication. Whether or not the request is granted right now, later or not at all, asking states a need and learns the heart of the One on the throne. 

2. It builds faith. Faith is bold and risky. It doesn't come with a safety guarantee, it may lead to disappointment. But faith is the language of man to God, the language that points to deep and wholehearted belief in Jesus. Life lived in faith doesn't mean easy, it means fulfilling. Nothing moves the heart of God more than a wholehearted statement of belief that He is who He says He is and rewards those who seek Him. In fact, you cannot please Him without this kind of faith (Hebrews 11). 

This kind of asking may mean that we need to face some insecurity, some fear that we will be too needy. What is a loving relationship without honest dialogue? Without courageous asking? There is nothing to lose. Perhaps we are afraid of His answer? Friend, there is no guarantee of the answer you desire. 

But what happens when you enter into this throne room, you find a Father brimming with grace and goodness. You may even find that what you came to ask for wasn't what you really should be asking for. Once you open your eyes to see Him, really see him, you see that maybe you were settling. It's time to ask bigger, for now you know that He is able. May you be wide-eyed and expectant as you enter the throne room of grace. May you fight the fear that keeps you from asking and truly see the heart of your King this season. 

Day 28: Two words that indicate bold letting go.

There are 2 words, 2 very difficult words that indicate bold letting go. 

They are powerful words. Words that can untangle some of the messiest, wildest tangled up knots. Words that can release one from the captivity of guilt and be the catalyst of healing. Words that are some of the hardest syllabus to utter. Fear doesn't like these words. 

{ I'm sorry. }

And here's why fear doesn't like them. 

1. It's vulnerable. It's open. It's risky. Fear says to keep yourself safe and protected and walled up so you won't get hurt. Fear says to let someone else take the first step. 

2. These words admit fault. Saying them indicates that you claim responsibility. Fear says to pretend you know what you're doing- to pass blame on another when something goes awry. 

3. Not everyone will appreciate the bravery of these words. They are not guaranteed to be followed with forgiveness. They may be perceived as weak. 

4. They must be said with sincerity. Fear doesn't value genuine or heartfelt. Fear keeps things light, on the surface. 

Saying "I'm sorry" is truly powerful when it's offered with a sincere and repentant heart. It's transformative because of how it takes initiative without assurance of how the other person will receive it. It's easier to be stubborn. It feels better to be stubborn. These are some of the least offered words because they are just plain hard. Saying "I'm sorry" means swallowing the urge to explain or defend oneself. It's simple, it's raw, it's honest. It lets go of the need to see immediate justice because it waits hopefully on the One who will one day make all things right. 

These 2 words diffuse anger. They take the 1st step to start a trajectory toward restoration. They indicate a bold letting go of the need to prove and defend self. They indicate bold maturity. Bold contentedness with self and bold leaning on the One who ultimately restores. 

When was the last time you exhibited this kind of bold? 

Day 27: When you aren't sure which way is brave.

There comes a time when you know you need to do the brave thing. You want to do the brave thing. But you aren't quite sure which way is more brave. 

Typically this occurs at a crossroads, a point of decision. 

I don't know about you but I sure don't like decision making. Especially when it touches the things I value, the things that are close to my heart. I'm learning not to let decisions paralyze me but it is a daily, arduous process. 

A few years ago I was at a crossroads. I had 2 very good job options presented to me. Both good dream jobs. Both very unique and had the potential to take me down very opposite paths.

Decisions are hard. Decisions with 2 very good options are even harder. I looked long and hard at both options, my analytical brain buzzing and worrying about the what it's. Both were good, maybe even great options. I prayed and heard nothing. I waited but felt indifferent. I was terrified of choosing wrongly. I was terrified of missing the best. 

I shared my predicament with a close friend. Knowing my heart and my habit of fear, she chose wise words. 

Which one takes more faith??

There wasn't an easy answer. To uncover it required a time of stillness, listening and reflecting. 

I then reached a point where a decision needed to be made. I did not have a Divine epiphany or magical moment where I just knew. I just picked the one that required the most faith. And you know what? That same day I received a phone call informing me that the job I was most interested in was no longer available. I was shocked, I was confused, but I had an answer. I just got to it in a way that made it irrefutable. I took the other job with complete confirmation and peace. It was absolutely the right decision for me, as it opened the door for me to shepherd the students I share life with now. 

Sometimes answers come as a response to a step taken in faith, before you know. Brave doesn't have the luxury of waiting until clarity comes. Brave looks for the direction requiring more faith because it knows that there's no other way to live. The brave way, the way of faith is what pleases the Father. The brave way, the way of faith yields a life well-lived. An eternally significant life. When you aren't sure which way is brave, choose the way that takes more faith. 

Day 26: Choosing different. Fighting the fear of generational sin.

Life seems to happen in cycles. 

Sin seems to happen in cycles. 

That's precisely what scares me. 

The further into my adult life I go and the more I hear peoples' stories I find that every family has its broken pieces. Every family has its skeletons in the closet. We tend to look at the outside layer of families, the neat and tidy layer that seems to look even prettier on Facebook, and compare it to everything we know about our own. We get sad. Discontent. Comparison saps us of our perspective. It saps us of our joy. 

But dig down deeper, beyond the Facebook exterior. Spend a week in that household, maybe even just a day and you'll find something in that family that closely resembles your own. That secret sin, that shameful addiction, that unresolved hurt from years ago. We all do our best to slap on a happy, loving face and live in spite of it, though the aftershock of sin comes in waves and each family member feels it in his or her own way. Some families fight, each carefully protecting themselves as they shoot fiery arrows with words aimed at each other. Then isolation, silence, estrangement. Some families avoid, terrified of naming the hurt. Consequences and distrust follow along with a fake smile and tight grip on comfort. 

There's this idea out there that is paralyzing. This idea that sin will come back to bite you and your future family. That your children will be destined to follow the path of sin their forefathers lived. That if you were a victim you are destined to victimize. It's the what-goes-around-comes-around mentality. 

I get the idea of consequences. It's biblical, it's reasonable. Sins ripples go wider and further than just the one who committed the sin.

But where do restoration and redemption fit?? 

Each person comes from a broken family. Even church going families with a mom and a dad can be broken. Even families that love each other. It's the response to brokenness that determines healing and holiness. 

When unresolved, unhealed, and shamefully hidden,these broken pieces fester and grow. They grow, infected and swollen and painful. And these broken pieces become the weapon with which to harm others. Unfortunately this is the most common response we see to brokenness. This is the kind of brokenness that is used to fuel the fear of generational sin.

What if we took those broken pieces and submitted them over to the hands of our Father? What if we admitted our brokenness, walked into the wound rather than away from it, and asked for healing? The Almighty Creator is the only One who can make ugly beautiful again. He is the only One who can re-create. What is placed in His hands is never wasted. This is the response- the beautiful, repentant response that blesses God's heart. This is the response He longs for. 

I am choosing different. I am a daughter/sister/granddaughter of a loving (yet broken) family. Aren't we all? I don't believe in the destiny of generational sin because I know the living, active, loving Healer. I give him my broken pieces and in exchange I find restoration. Sometimes it's painful. Yet with Him, scars are transformed to evidences of grace. Aches are becoming stories of redemption. 

For myself and my family, I am choosing different. 

Day 25: It takes bravery to stand against church consumerism.

Oh, what good consumers we are. 

We research, weigh the pros and cons, check reviews, try before we buy and analyze, analyze, analyze.

How does this suit MY needs?? 

If the potential purchase is a precious gem or a plasma television or a home, this makes sense. It's even wise. 

BUT. It saddens me that this same consumeristic mindset is used by believers when choosing a church. 

Is the pastor funny? Does he preach exegetically? From the ESV? Will it meet me where I'm at spiritually? Is the music professional quality? Is the sound not too loud, not too soft? Are there enough hymns? No hymns? Is this church relevant? Will it have everything to meet mine and my family's needs? Does the youth pastor wear hip designer jeans? Do we receive a friendly smile and greeting from everyone on the first day we visit? Gee, I sure hope they aren't one of those "seeker friendly" churches. 

The desire to get a good buy, to get the most of your money is not a bad thing. But we cannot bring this same process into our journey of finding a body of believers to grow with. Though finding a church is a big decision, it is not AT ALL the same as purchasing your first home or your dream TV. 

There are a few things to remember when deciding on a church home. Or deciding whether or not to stick with yours. 

1. Church is an earthly representation of a perfect union. Therefore, your church will be imperfect. It is a gathering of spirit-filled believers who bear the stains and scars of sin. The people next to you in the pew will disappoint and hurt you sometimes. Even the pastor (gasp!) will offend you occasionally. Why? Because the church was never meant to meet all of your deepest relational needs. We are all on this bumpy journey to becoming Christ-like. We are both already and not yet like Christ. This journey takes forgiveness. It takes grace. Lower your unhealthy expectations that you project onto the leadership and people of the church. 

2. If you are willing, restoration can be found. Like most meaningful (and eternal) relationships, brokenness happens. We know this, but it always seems to catch us off guard for some reason. The easy response is to walk away, disillusioned and burnt out. But it takes bravery to stay put, ask questions to gain understanding, then shut up and listen. You can choose to stick with what you committed to, even though it has let you down, and restoration is possible. BUT, it will be hard. Expect it. Roll up your sleeves, pray hard and fight for restoration. It's worth it. Do the brave thing. 

3. Know what the essentials are. There are absolutes in God's Word. Absolutes that define the pillars of our faith. Absolutes that have never and will never change about God's character and His design for us. However, there are things that have not been implicitly stated that we have grafted into our church code of conduct. Sometimes no one is sure how it got there. Maybe tradition, maybe just bad exegesis. These are what I'm going to call the non-essentials. These are the non salvation-oriented things that the church is really good at wounding people with. Also, these are the things that many leave churches for. These need to be moved from the "must have" category to the "luxury" category. The imperfect, God-designed beauty of the church is that it is comprised of different types of Christians. All different shapes, sizes, colors and opinions on these non-essentials. We need them all. Remove the diversity and we become a cult. Make sure if you are considering a church or considering leaving a church, you've prayerfully sorted out if you're caught up on an essential or a non-essential. 

"In the essentials unity, in the nonessentials liberty". 

Augustine

4. The church does not exist to meet your needs. Yes, come hungry. You will be fed. Yes, come weary and you will find strength. However, these are both things found in your relationship with a living God. They are offered to you daily, hourly. A church gathering is not the only place to be filled. It is an extension of your personal daily worship, just paired with fellowship and public expression. True growth happens in AND outside of church walls.  The church represents a perfect union between Christ and His bride to a dying world. How can we represent such a union when we are busy turning up our noses and getting our panties in a bunch over things that don't suit our fancy? 

5. Be the change you want to see. Want more of something in your church? See a need for change? Have you ever considered that you might be the solution? Don't get irritated about a lack, sit and wait for change or leave because of it. Talk to your pastors, ask questions to understand why, then ask yourself how you can be a part of the change. 

There is no exact prescription for finding the perfect church fit. There are also exceptions. The point is, church consumerism is an unhealthy pattern. The funny thing about patterns is- they repeat. No matter the church. 

Pick a church in your community. Know the essentials. Plant your roots. Commit to growing and sharing life alongside imperfect people. Commit to being Jesus in your community. It might hurt, it might be hard. But why does it matter? It's not/never been about you. Let's drop the consumeristic mentality. 

Day 24: what the Hunger Games teaches me about fear.

The Hunger Games series has me totally inspired. Talk about a story with fear in it. This story is basically founded on fear. Today I saw Mockingjay, the 3rd of 4. Now I won't give a spoiler and I don't claim to be a movie critic. I am very intrigued, however, at the subtle and overt messages the Hunger Games teaches me about fear. 

Fear and manipulation are very closely linked. Not every type of fear, but the fear I've addressed in previous posts. The kind of fear that suffocates. The kind of fear that thrives in the uncertain, the irrational. The capitol built a system on the very basis of this type of fear- a rat race for power and privilege. By using this kind of fear, they shove people into rigid categories with specific regulations about work and conduct. For years, these categories of people operate inside of a paradigm that many have accepted as normal, unquestioningly. What keeps them there? Manipulation. The assumed belief that as lesser people they cannot amount to more. What's the tool used to accomplish that manipulation? Fear. Tactics that inject panic and brainwash. Fear is powerful and merges effectively with manipulation. 

Fear is the hardest habit to unlearn. Fear runs deep. It goes beyond a feeling or response. It becomes innate and engrained. It can commandeer identity, altering the very fabric of the human character. Once locked behind its iron gates, it becomes hard to imagine life outside. It is destructive. It is the hardest habit to unlearn. Unlearning it takes time, sweat, roll-up-your-sleeves work. Unlearning it takes healing. 

Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. Surprisingly enough the villain is the one who offers these words. Though fear is the hardest to unlearn, it is not impossible. It can only be conquered by a source larger than self, larger than factors that trigger it. People long for a symbol of hope, a symbol pointing to a coming redemption. Those under the oppression of the capitol are inspired to rise up and fight when the Mockingjay is in their midst. It's not the symbol itself or Katniss's story that inspires, but what that symbol represents. A symbol of hope compels people to fight and to fight to the death for a cause that is bigger than themselves. Fear rules when there is no greater cause. Hope, tethered to a symbol of the good that is to come is the only way to unlock the tyranny of fear. Not surprisingly, it seems that every good story points to this symbol of hope. This longing for a coming redemption seems to be woven into the tapestry of the human DNA. This longing is the one breathed into us and fulfilled by the symbol of hope we receive in Christ, the once-for-all hero of all sin.  

Day 23: bold enough to face insecurity.

Pssssst.... I have a secret. 

It feels really raw to put it into words. 

I am designed to be an encourager and minister. I am a people person. In this season, I am called to work with college people. I love this vulnerable, hard, deep and meaningful time in a person's life. I get the privilege of coming alongside to enter into the messy questions and insecurity. I also get the privilege of having a front row seat to growth as roots move deeper and fruit is in abundance. 

But here's the raw part. Some days I feel very helpful and wise. Other days I feel more insecure than ever. With trepidation, I tuned into the dialogue in my head. 

Not good enough. 
Not organized enough. 
Not as good as (so-and-so).
Not smart enough.
Just mediocre. 
Disappointing. 

And I wilt. And withdraw. 

Today was one of those days where I had to purposefully strain to hear above the droning on of that familiar dialogue. I squinted to read the lips of those who'd speak to me, fighting the monotone noise in my head. And on I trudged throughout this Monday, feeling like the victim. 

Along came a not-so-coincidental wise man, a coworker of mine. His engaging smile told me that he was interested in having a philosophical chat...not exactly what I was looking for. In the midst of that conversation, my ears received words and my heart beat fast. You know that feeling when you know that the Lord's pressing something important into your soul? He said,

Be careful of the voices you hear about yourself. Which one of them is Jesus? His is very rarely one of judgment and distaste.

I don't even remember the context. I just knew those words were predestined for my heart. Insecurity is a smorgasbord of half truths. Insecurity's intent is to paralyze and make you small. Bravery cuts through that reminding you that you are not a victim. Face that insecurity. Listen for the familiar old tunes that are stuck on repeat. Arm yourself with truth, grab a wise friend and face that insecurity. Then ask yourself who's voice you're listening to. Make sure it's the right one.