We/I don't like it because it's different. It means the future is unknown and what's ahead feels out of our control.
Change can be even more awkward when you're not the one going through it. How does one be a good friend of someone going through significant life change?
This is a subject that sits real close to my heart these days. It touches on something familiar. I am that person in transition. Our life is changing pretty dramatically as I am taking on a new role in a new place, which means leaving Corban- the place I know so well- the place I've learned to be a grownup and a professional and a shepherd. It means letting go of the hand of security and grasping at a new, less-familiar hand, hoping the comfort of security will eventually find me there. I am so excited! I am also so nervous and sad to leave what I know so well.
And so my husband and I find ourself in a swirling vortex of incessant grownup questions: When to move? Where to move? Budget. Sell things. Save. What in the world is mortgage insurance? Change, change, change. We are learning so much in this season.
The most surprising part of this season is how some friends have responded. I'm not sure if I've had unreasonable expectations or if change really is just that awkward for a spectator. I've walked away from social interactions feeling disappointed, overlooked and just a little confused as to why it was so hard for someone else to talk about MY change. All I really wanted was to be asked some good questions and have the space to share how I really feel. So I've given some thought about what one needs to know in order to walk a friend through significant change.
1. Ask a good, open-ended question like "how are you feeling about this transition?" and then LISTEN. Most people that are walking out of one season and into another just want to be asked about it. And then really listened to. Be curious! But also be ready to hear their response. Ask if you really care and then make sure you are actively showing good listening skills.
2. Don't make it about you. It's so surprising to me how many times I've heard people say, "I hear you're leaving your job!" Thinking it's an invitation to share about this decision, I start speaking but it quickly turns to "I left my job too" or worse, "I just applied for your job!" or some rabbit trail into a not-so-relevant story about a time in their life they had to move to something new. Although sharing a personal story could be an earnest attempt to relate, it can actually completely de-rail a conversation. That's not what good friends do. Make sure you're not making it about you.
3. Be prepared for feelings. Even ones that don't make sense. Each day that I talk about this job change, I open up a different bag of feelings. Even though most of what I feel is peaceful, sometimes I feel nervous, inadequate, sad, jittery, or crazy excited. It's part of my process. Be prepared that when you're helping a friend navigate change, you're also going to be in the crosshairs of an interesting smorgasbord of emotions. It's just part of the process. Don't worry, it's temporary. Be gracious.
4. Acknowledge that with significant change comes a sense of loss. One of the sweetest things someone has said to me was, "wow, what a big change. Even though you're moving into something so perfect for you, I bet you're feeling sad to leave your role behind. You will be missed." One of the greatest gifts you can give your friend is the permission to admit a sense of loss. Change means saying goodbye to what was and embracing what is next. Goodbyes are hard! Name the grief and learn to sit in it for a while. Don't skip this part.
5. Name the ways you see God at work. Direct your transitioning friend to reflection and praise. After you've admitted that change is hard, listened well, asked questions and allowed your friend some space to process, it's time to direct them to the hopeful anticipation of following God's plan. Make observations of ways you've seen the Lord's hand in this journey. Remind them of His goodness. A true friend knows when to share burdens and when to celebrate.
Take it from me, a girl in the midst of significant change.
