I held my breath as I pulled them up, sucked in and buttoned the top...and good gracious, they buttoned. Barely. I stared at myself in the full length mirror, scrutinizing every curve. The stretchy material hugged the parts of me I wished I could hide in sweat pants. And then it began: that familiar script going over what I ate yesterday, how I wish I exercised more, how I want a longer torso, and why I want Kate Hudson's legs. Those thoughts, so very unforgiving and ungracious - I would totally not let a friend get away with this kind of narrative! Yet I seem to just accept it for myself. And with a penance-like vigilance, I make myself a very green and very flavorless salad that I choke down, feeling virtuous but still very hungry. The day I started noticing my body and caring about clothes was the day I become my body's worst critic. Oh, how good I've become at heaping shame and failure on my body when I look at the mirror.
Can you relate?
There's balance here. We tend to like extremes. On one end, I could cut out all food that doesn't come from the produce aisle, only eat smoothies and kale and celery, and essentially take on a part time job by living at the gym 20 hours a week. On the other end, I could just forget about self care completely. I could learn to "love myself", just eat what sounds good, and do whatever sounds fun. Neither sound like a good fit for me. Where is the balance?
Like I said, we tend to like extremes.
There seems to be a connection between body image and my faith. I'm finding that the unforgiving and ungracious narrative playing in my head regarding my body is a very similar tune to the one that plays in relation to my relationship with the Lord. Sometimes discipline and grace are in abundance. I am loving, gracious, and gentle. Other times things feel a little pudgy-in-the-middle and I am self-conscious, apathetic, and dry. So the way I treat my body is the way I treat my soul - deprive it, discipline it, modify it. Where is the grace in that?
I think balance means eating that delicious slice of apple pie, savoring every bite, then walking away content without another. Balance means sometimes choosing grilled chicken over pizza because wise choices mean more wise choices. Balance means taking the stairs, riding a bike, but also isn't afraid to stay at home for the night to snuggle and watch Netflix rather than hit the gym. Balance embraces the beauty of fluctuating weight, Zumba, and the oh-so-forgiving material of a favorite pair of pj's.
Here are some things that are guiding me as I seek balance in body image and faith:
Can you relate?
There's balance here. We tend to like extremes. On one end, I could cut out all food that doesn't come from the produce aisle, only eat smoothies and kale and celery, and essentially take on a part time job by living at the gym 20 hours a week. On the other end, I could just forget about self care completely. I could learn to "love myself", just eat what sounds good, and do whatever sounds fun. Neither sound like a good fit for me. Where is the balance?
Like I said, we tend to like extremes.
There seems to be a connection between body image and my faith. I'm finding that the unforgiving and ungracious narrative playing in my head regarding my body is a very similar tune to the one that plays in relation to my relationship with the Lord. Sometimes discipline and grace are in abundance. I am loving, gracious, and gentle. Other times things feel a little pudgy-in-the-middle and I am self-conscious, apathetic, and dry. So the way I treat my body is the way I treat my soul - deprive it, discipline it, modify it. Where is the grace in that?
I think balance means eating that delicious slice of apple pie, savoring every bite, then walking away content without another. Balance means sometimes choosing grilled chicken over pizza because wise choices mean more wise choices. Balance means taking the stairs, riding a bike, but also isn't afraid to stay at home for the night to snuggle and watch Netflix rather than hit the gym. Balance embraces the beauty of fluctuating weight, Zumba, and the oh-so-forgiving material of a favorite pair of pj's.
Here are some things that are guiding me as I seek balance in body image and faith:
- Food is fuel. It's not just that, food is also a good gift to be received with gratefulness. It sustains, it delights. Be thankful, partake, do not become its slave, but don't sweat small mistakes. Grace, grace, grace.
- Seek physical exercise as a spiritual discipline, not an idol. As holistic beings, what's happening in the body can either enhance or distract from the Spiritual. Choose exercise because it can enhance connection with the Lord, not because you don't know who you are without it.
- Each day is a new start - make breakfast count! Lately I'm either choosing a smoothie with fresh berries, spinach, protein powder and almond milk, or scrambled eggs with spinach, roasted veggies and salsa (let's be honest, I have this for dinner sometimes too). Both are protein packed but make me feel like I'm already hitting it out of the park by 9am. Start strong!
- Ditch the scale. Jumping on that thing, waiting with dread or hopeful anticipation is just a silly game to me. I'd rather assess my health based on how I feel, how much water I'm drinking and how much energy I have. I've never really liked numbers anyway.
- Know when enough is enough. If I'm starting to feel self conscious about my body, maybe that means it's time to start living in moderation and self-discipline. If I'm already doing those things and still feel self-conscious, maybe that's telling me something about the condition of my heart. Know when you're doing your best, learn to embrace your shape, then steward it with gratefulness. May stewardship and confidence be the new beautiful.
- Behavior modification doesn't make me more pleasing to God. When I make mistakes, act unbecomingly and live out of my fleshly urges, I buy into the lie that God is going to make me pay. So I punish myself. But the God I've learned to know and trust is a loving, gracious Father who is slow to anger and abounding in love (Psalm 145:8). Rather than look for ways to slap my own hand, why not accept responsibility then look for ways to pursue holiness and tune myself back into His channel of grace?
So I'm celebrating that these pants fit. So they're a little tight. Maybe my body's changed a little. But I'm seeking balance. Perhaps without the pressure of perfection I'll free myself up to gratefully receive the me that I'm created to be.
