Becoming a really good Wait-er.

If being a follower of Jesus has taught me anything, it's how to be a really good wait-er. But OH MAN I still really don't like waiting. 

A few months ago we were on the tiring, time-consuming, ultimate consumer journey of house hunting. We'd drive out in the middle of the day to go look at a house, evaluate if it was "the one", give ourselves a day to decide if we were going to put our names in the hat, then we'd sit and wait. Oftentimes we'd find out that we were outbid, too late, too broke, and the house we were crushing on was taken. So back into the cycle we'd go. This cycle took about 5 months. 

Now to you, 5 months probably sounds like nothing. To us it was exhausting. We felt every day, every hour of the cycle and our emotions grew raw from wanting something so badly but walking away yet again...wanting.

There's a happy ending to this story! Eventually God provided. Totally in a different way than we thought He would. It's been exactly what our hearts desired. The waiting paid off. 

But not every story ends this way. I've heard some of your stories. Many of you are in a holding pattern that feels like an endless cycle of waiting. From what you can see there seems to be no end in sight and you've grown weary and raw. I feel that with you, my friend. Waiting is so so hard. 

But if being a follower of Jesus has taught me anything it's how to be a really good wait-er. 

We are always, always waiting for something to come. For some longing to be fulfilled. Perhaps it is one of God's most loving lessons. Maybe it is one of His kindest disciplines. Maybe waiting is worship. 

We are not the only ones waiting. Even Creation aches for restoration. 

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. (Rom. 8:22) 

If you were born and live on this earth in a human body, you are waiting. You will always be waiting until our Creator comes back. We've always been yearning for His nearness. For our restoration. 

What if my waiting, my aching and longing, points me to an eternal reality? 

What if waiting is one of my greatest acts of joyful worship? What if waiting reminds me that everything here is all temporary- that everything is not as it should be. BUT soon it will be. 

Then let's get really good at it. Let's do it with joy and a sense of "it is well" in our souls. Here's a couple tips for becoming a really good wait-er. 

1. Celebrate the triumphs of others. Waiting is emotionally draining. It can be hard to be excited for friends whose waiting seasons have ended. I've seen this play out with many of my mama friends and it makes my heart hurt. I've watched hurting women battling infertility avoid baby showers and ban their pregnant friends from talking about their pregnancies around them. I understand the hurt and the personal boundaries but why can't others celebrate their season of life? In your waiting beware of bitterness- it is the most toxic kind of poison. Learn to celebrate in the midst of your waiting pains. 

2. It's okay to vent. Just don't stay there. Historically, christians haven't been great with real, raw  (difficult) emotion. In an attempt to trust God at times we've rushed past grief in an attempt to be joyful and positive. There is a time for all of these emotions. Allow yourself to acknowledge your grief, hurt and frustration with waiting. Name it, and invite a trustworthy friend or two to sit and feel it with you. Process. Cry. Vent. Then make a conscious decision to get up and keep moving forward. 

3. Back up. Breathe.  One of the greatest gifts our waiting season gave us was the gift of stillness. Not getting what we wanted right away made us slow down, pray, and evaluate. Sure it was annoying. I was anxious. But it allowed us to take our eyes off of the microscope through which we were viewing our life and take a look at the fuller picture around us. If I'm honest, I think the Lord preserved us from the houses we thought we liked so much. Sometimes one of His kindest moves is to protect us from our desires that may be close, but not quite right. He has full perspective and He is a good Father who gives good gifts. 

4. Look for the eternal value of this waiting time. If all creation joins us in waiting, then our Creator must see fit to allow us to experience a season (or two or three) of this important discipline. There must be something sacred in the process of waiting. 

...but hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he can already see? (Romans 8:25)

Maybe this is where we uncover hope. Maybe this is where we uncover contentment. The kind of settledness in our hearts that assures us that we are all waiting. Even if I do not get what I long for, I know that all will be well. 

So when you're another year older and still single. 
When everyone else seems to have found their calling or career and you feel lost. 
When you have yet another negative pregnancy test. 
When you can't seem to catch a break. 

His heart is kind, His purposes are good, His mind is all-knowing, and His eyes are all-seeing. He is coming! You are not forgotten. He can be fully trusted. 

So if you're waiting. I feel ya. Let's get really good at it together. 

Wisdom: What the World Needs from Christians {pt 2}

Let's review. In part 1 of this wisdom series, we discussed the value of Christians being compassionate listeners when facing brokenness. It's not an accident that I listed listening first. Listening should always be number 1. 

We've covered how we should receive information (input) but what about how we engage people (output)? 

We are so good at output. 

In an age of #nofilter and #letsbehonest, output typically comes in the form of a trigger-friendly "share" button. Pair a shared article from a not-so-reputable source with a powerfully worded description and voila! You've changed the world by changing everyone's minds. 

Come on, now. We all know that's not possible. Yet why do we behave that way on social media? Words fly freely, emotions run high. Would these types of interactions even happen if we were to sit down and try to have them face to face? 

Why are we all trying to pick fights? Don't we know we can't change the world simply by yelling over each other on Facebook? For the love. 

Which brings me to my second point. 

Part 2. The World needs Responders NOT Reactors.

Don't think there's a difference? 

A reactor:

•               Acts on emotion

•               Is usually defensive

•               Responds quickly- almost like a knee-jerk reaction to a situation 

•               Doesn't wait to get all the information

A Responder:

•               Delays their reply

•               Uses reasoning skills 

•               Takes a more thorough approach that balances logic and emotion

•               Tries to take back for a more well-rounded perspective

I'm willing to bet that over 90% of people use the reactor approach. We get uncomfortable with someone's viewpoint, we make a judgment about what their words mean, then we take a defensive position. The result is sad and very familiar. It adds up to a bunch of people running around defending themselves and spewing emotionally-charged opinions at each other. There is no listening, there is no compromising, there is no peace. 

You know what the world needs from Christians? Steady, wise responders. People who wait to get all the information before jumping on a bandwagon. People who are willing to let go of their "right" to be heard first. People who can step back, count to 10, then prayerfully respond. People who are okay with not sharing their opinion at all, in some cases. We must learn that we don't always need to "win" ethical/political battles. Our aim is to "win" hearts for the Kingdom. 

How do we learn how to become wise responders? 

It all begins and ends with dependence on the Holy Spirit. He is the one who guides, advises and brings truth. Take cues from Him. Start learning to listen to His direction, then trust it. 

Also, may I suggest a face-to-face conversation about hard topics? About broken things? It's much easier to read people and see the person across from you as a human (just like you!) rather than the enemy. Also, it's much harder to be a reactor when you have to think things through and speak real live words from your mouth instead of shooting poison arrows through the keys of your keyboard. Just a thought. 

This is another thing the world needs from Christians. Can you feel the hope? The health? That's wisdom calling. Let's respond together. 

Wisdom: What the World Needs from Christians. {pt 1}

I am completely shocked and discouraged by the pure evil happening in our world today. I know that the world has always had pure evil moments, but maybe this is the first time in my adult life that I feel SO deeply troubled and affected by it. Evil seems to be squeezing in on all sides- internationally and within our own borders. Hate seems to be running rampant and fear is tagging along behind it leaving destruction in its wake. I keep wondering what I can do about it. It's difficult not to lose hope. 

In our home, we've determined to just be still. Get the facts. Be prayerful. Have long conversations around the table. We've received criticism for that approach. If we don't "take a stand" via social media, by sharing news articles and strongly-worded blogposts then we are apathetic and just as bad as the evil in the world. But can I just be honest? I cannot, I will not join in with the screaming match that I see happening everyday on the Internet. It's loud, it's divisive and I don't like to yell. Also, it feels like we are missing something in our approach to making a difference. There's more to the process of joining God in pursuing justice--what is it? 

Wisdom. Now I don't mean to oversimplify tangled, complicated, deeply challenging issues. I also don't claim to have any of the answers to solve the problem of evil. What I do have is a heart that desperately wants to know how in the world believers in Jesus are supposed to be acting in a world that's ripping itself apart. In my quest to avoid joining in the screaming match by NOT writing a blogpost....well, here I am. Writing a blogpost. Not just because I need to vent or because there's a shortage of things you could read about, but because I am compelled to speak. There is something pressing deeply on my heart that I just can't keep quiet about. It's shaping me and giving me insight into God's heart for His people. So here begins the part 1 of 3 in a series about navigating brokenness with wisdom. 

Part 1. The World Needs Compassionate Listeners. 

I've said this before and I'll say it again: good listeners are going extinct. You feel it too, right? That pressure you feel to get it all out of your mouth fast so you don't lose your train of thought. That feeling you get when you start opening up to share something but the conversation takes a sharp turn and the focus changes to them. You know what happens when people stop listening to each other? It just becomes a lot of noise. A lot of words without a lot of understanding. A lot of surface conversations. A lot of people walking around feeling unseen and unknown. I believe that this lost art contributes to much of the problem of loneliness in our culture. I believe it's a big reason for the me-against-the-world mentality. Everyone is fighting to be seen, appreciated and known. When these basic relational needs aren't met, we see drastic measures taken. 

Proverbs seems to have a lot to say about listening too. In fact, one day I noticed a theme: 

wise people are good listeners. 

Listening leads to understanding which leads to wisdom. Too many words is the mark of the fool.

"The tongue of the wise commends knowlege, but the mouths of fools pour out folly. (15:2)

"The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowlege, but the mouths of fools feed on folly." (15:14)

"The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pour out evil things." (15:27)

"A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion". (18:2)

"If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame." (18:13)

"An intelligent heart acquires knowlege, and the ear of the wise seeks knowlege." (18:15)

I experienced this firsthand the other day. While I was in our backyard, our next door neighbor peeked over the fence. As we started talking I realized I knew nothing about her. I asked her some easy questions- what did she do? How long had she lived here? I listened as she shared stories and watched her start to open up to me. I pressed deeper and took a risk- 

Do you go to church?

I saw her swallow a big gulp of air as if preparing for a word battle. She shared with me that she used to be connected to a church, but did not feel supported in her lifestyle since she "came out". There was an opportunity in front of me. She searched my eyes to try to anticipate how I'd respond. To be honest with you I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to say. So I felt the Lord prompt me to listen more. I asked more questions, felt her uneasiness fade and soon a bridge was built between the two of us. I knew that many well-meaning Christians had wounded her out of their desire to express their opinion. I'm sure they did not realize that they forgot something: that this woman is a human being endowed with the same God-given desire to be seen and valued. They had forgotten she had a soul that needed nourishing. A story that needed hearing. And it led her to isolation. 

So, friends, how does this apply to topics of social justice and evil and controversy and politics? As people whose souls have been seen, pursued, redeemed and deeply loved, we must put aside our need to express our opinion before we hear. We must sacrifice our need to be right. We must put aside our disdain for broken behavior coming from a broken world. We must sit down, leave what's comfortable and seek the unseen, the marginalized and the hurt. We must put aside our agenda, our preference and listen so we can understand. Watch our words and tune in intentionally. We must be compassionate listeners- people of wisdom. Through us, may they feel the immeasurable care of their Heavenly Father. This is what the world needs from Christians. 

The Dark Side of Instagram {you know what they say about assumptions...}

I had the privilege of sitting across the table from one of my dear friends. Our post-it notes and scribbled ideas were sprawled on floral journals and our conversation bounced around, non-stop for about 2 hours. 

We circled around work-related, results-oriented topics until her face sobered. We landed on a raw topic- one that sat so close to her heart that it made her wince just to put it into words. She paused thoughtfully, then with tears in her eyes she named her insecurities. She entrusted every syllable of this soft spot with me. A wound. An unkind word. A stuck place dodging arrows of not-good-enough and not-pretty-enough. I was shocked. Her stuck place sounded a lot like mine. How often had I envied her perfection and felt sorry for myself? I thought I was the only one who had those thoughts? If someone of her caliber, her beauty had hard days and insecurities, then surely no one can be exempt! 

You know what they say about assuming, right? I guess that's sort of true. But that day I learned something else about assuming....

When I assume things about others, I'm drawing permanent conclusions from things I actually don't know are true. Assuming just puts others on a pedestal, held up by self-comparison, self-pity and self-deprivation. It seems like humans are really good at walking around eyeing others' outward perfection, comparing it to the whole (good, bad and ugly) of ourselves. It's a game we will never win. We scroll through Instagram, perusing the lives of others and think...

They never question their significance. 
She must always feel skinny and beautiful. 
I bet that couple is always in love. They never have conflict. 
He is always funny and at ease, I bet he never worries what people think of him. 

While we keep playing this losing game of assuming, we also isolate ourselves by thinking that we are alone in insecurity. 

What if we chose another way? What if we invited each other to share those insecurities? What if we assumed that everyone has a soft spot, a wounded place, a pebble in their shoe? What if the seemingly perfect exterior motivated us to make others feel so safe, safe enough to really just be instead of walking around, assuming and comparing and defending? I think under those protected exteriors we'd find that everyone has

a soul that needs tending. 
a body that feels the burden of sin. 
an identity to nourish and affirm.  

I want this way. Let's start recognizing assumptions. Let's call out truth and fight against the comparison game. Because in the end we are all just souls, fearfully and wonderfully made, needing to be loved.
 

Take it from me {Tips for helping a friend navigate significant change}

People don't like change. I don't like change. 

We/I don't like it because it's different. It means the future is unknown and what's ahead feels out of our control. 

Change can be even more awkward when you're not the one going through it. How does one be a good friend of someone going through significant life change? 

This is a subject that sits real close to my heart these days. It touches on something familiar. I am that person in transition. Our life is changing pretty dramatically as I am taking on a new role in a new place, which means leaving Corban- the place I know so well- the place I've learned to be a grownup and a professional and a shepherd. It means letting go of the hand of security and grasping at a new, less-familiar hand, hoping the comfort of security will eventually find me there. I am so excited! I am also so nervous and sad to leave what I know so well. 

And so my husband and I find ourself in a swirling vortex of incessant grownup questions: When to move? Where to move? Budget. Sell things. Save. What in the world is mortgage insurance? Change, change, change. We are learning so much in this season. 

The most surprising part of this season is how some friends have responded. I'm not sure if I've had unreasonable expectations or if change really is just that awkward for a spectator. I've walked away from social interactions feeling disappointed, overlooked and just a little confused as to why it was so hard for someone else to talk about MY change. All I really wanted was to be asked some good questions and have the space to share how I really feel. So I've given some thought about what one needs to know in order to walk a friend through significant change.

1. Ask a good, open-ended question like "how are you feeling about this transition?" and then LISTEN. Most people that are walking out of one season and into another just want to be asked about it. And then really listened to. Be curious! But also be ready to hear their response. Ask if you really care and then make sure you are actively showing good listening skills.  

2. Don't make it about you. It's so surprising to me how many times I've heard people say, "I hear you're leaving your job!" Thinking it's an invitation to share about this decision, I start speaking but it quickly turns to "I left my job too" or worse, "I just applied for your job!" or some rabbit trail into a not-so-relevant story about a time in their life they had to move to something new. Although sharing a personal story could be an earnest attempt to relate, it can actually completely de-rail a conversation. That's not what good friends do. Make sure you're not making it about you. 

3. Be prepared for feelings. Even ones that don't make sense. Each day that I talk about this job change, I open up a different bag of feelings. Even though most of what I feel is peaceful, sometimes I feel nervous, inadequate, sad, jittery, or crazy excited. It's part of my process. Be prepared that when you're helping a friend navigate change, you're also going to be in the crosshairs of an interesting smorgasbord of emotions. It's just part of the process. Don't worry, it's temporary. Be gracious. 

4. Acknowledge that with significant change comes a sense of loss. One of the sweetest things someone has said to me was, "wow, what a big change. Even though you're moving into something so perfect for you, I bet you're feeling sad to leave your role behind. You will be missed." One of the greatest gifts you can give your friend is the permission to admit a sense of loss. Change means saying goodbye to what was and embracing what is next. Goodbyes are hard! Name the grief and learn to sit in it for a while. Don't skip this part. 

5. Name the ways you see God at work. Direct your transitioning friend to reflection and praise. After you've admitted that change is hard, listened well, asked questions and allowed your friend some space to process, it's time to direct them to the hopeful anticipation of following God's plan. Make observations of ways you've seen the Lord's hand in this journey. Remind them of His goodness.  A true friend knows when to share burdens and when to celebrate. 

Take it from me, a girl in the midst of significant change. 

Tight pants and scrambled eggs: what body image teaches me about faith.

Today I put on a pair of pants that had sat ignored in my drawer for close to 8 months. 

I held my breath as I pulled them up, sucked in and buttoned the top...and good gracious, they buttoned. Barely. I stared at myself in the full length mirror, scrutinizing every curve. The stretchy material hugged the parts of me I wished I could hide in sweat pants. And then it began: that familiar script going over what I ate yesterday, how I wish I exercised more, how I want a longer torso, and why I want Kate Hudson's legs. Those thoughts, so very unforgiving and ungracious - I would totally not let a friend get away with this kind of narrative! Yet I seem to just accept it for myself. And with a penance-like vigilance, I make myself a very green and very flavorless salad that I choke down, feeling virtuous but still very hungry. The day I started noticing my body and caring about clothes was the day I become my body's worst critic. Oh, how good I've become at heaping shame and failure on my body when I look at the mirror. 

Can you relate? 

There's balance here. We tend to like extremes. On one end, I could cut out all food that doesn't come from the produce aisle, only eat smoothies and kale and celery, and essentially take on a part time job by living at the gym 20 hours a week. On the other end, I could just forget about self care completely. I could learn to "love myself", just eat what sounds good, and do whatever sounds fun. Neither sound like a good fit for me. Where is the balance?

Like I said, we tend to like extremes. 

There seems to be a connection between body image and my faith. I'm finding that the unforgiving and ungracious narrative playing in my head regarding my body is a very similar tune to the one that plays in relation to my relationship with the Lord. Sometimes discipline and grace are in abundance. I am loving, gracious, and gentle. Other times things feel a little pudgy-in-the-middle and I am self-conscious, apathetic, and dry. So the way I treat my body is the way I treat my soul - deprive it, discipline it, modify it. Where is the grace in that? 

I think balance means eating that delicious slice of apple pie, savoring every bite, then walking away content without another. Balance means sometimes choosing grilled chicken over pizza because wise choices mean more wise choices. Balance means taking the stairs, riding a bike, but also isn't afraid to stay at home for the night to snuggle and watch Netflix rather than hit the gym. Balance embraces the beauty of fluctuating weight, Zumba, and the oh-so-forgiving material of a favorite pair of pj's. 

Here are some things that are guiding me as I seek balance in body image and faith: 

• Food is fuel. It's not just that, food is also a good gift to be received with gratefulness. It sustains, it delights. Be thankful, partake, do not become its slave, but don't sweat small mistakes. Grace, grace, grace. 
• Seek physical exercise as a spiritual discipline, not an idol. As holistic beings, what's happening in the body can either enhance or distract from the Spiritual. Choose exercise because it can enhance connection with the Lord, not because you don't know who you are without it. 
• Each day is a new start - make breakfast count! Lately I'm either choosing a smoothie with fresh berries, spinach, protein powder and almond milk, or scrambled eggs with spinach, roasted veggies and salsa (let's be honest, I have this for dinner sometimes too). Both are protein packed but make me feel like I'm already hitting it out of the park by 9am. Start strong! 
• Ditch the scale. Jumping on that thing, waiting with dread or hopeful anticipation is just a silly game to me. I'd rather assess my health based on how I feel, how much water I'm drinking and how much energy I have. I've never really liked numbers anyway.
• Know when enough is enough. If I'm starting to feel self conscious about my body, maybe that means it's time to start living in moderation and self-discipline. If I'm already doing those things and still feel self-conscious, maybe that's telling me something about the condition of my heart. Know when you're doing your best, learn to embrace your shape, then steward it with gratefulness. May stewardship and confidence be the new beautiful. 
• Behavior modification doesn't make me more pleasing to God. When I make mistakes, act unbecomingly and live out of my fleshly urges, I buy into the lie that God is going to make me pay. So I punish myself. But the God I've learned to know and trust is a loving, gracious Father who is slow to anger and abounding in love (Psalm 145:8). Rather than look for ways to slap my own hand, why not accept responsibility then look for ways to pursue holiness and tune myself back into His channel of grace? 

So I'm celebrating that these pants fit. So they're a little tight. Maybe my body's changed a little. But I'm seeking balance. Perhaps without the pressure of perfection I'll free myself up to gratefully receive the me that I'm created to be.